This article was originally published on Clare Stephens' Substack and is re-published here with permission.
If it were possible to pursue a PhD in the lore around Brooklyn Beckham, I'm ashamed to say I would be a doctor.
I'm not sure why or when my obsession started. Probably with his 2017 photography book What I See, which featured such masterpieces as this:
Image: What I See
And also this:
Image: What I See
Image: What I See
As much as I enjoyed how abysmal the images were, and wondered why he'd choose to publish a photo of an elephant where absolutely none of its features were visible, something else tugged at me.
I had a soft spot for this man.
He was 18 at the time and, intentionally or otherwise, he was bringing joy and bamboozlement to the masses.
What followed was a career pivot to being a chef, where Brooklyn cooked a sausage and egg sandwich on breakfast television and did not toast nor butter the bread. He was mocked. His meals were turned into memes. (He put a literal cork in a pasta sauce, it was a weird time).
And all the while, I thought: yes, this is hilarious but I don't know… imagine being the eldest son of two of the most famous people on the planet? Both of whom achieved their success very, very young, and haven't known adult life without it. You're probably going to do some weird sh*t, and when you do it, people will be watching, unlike the majority of us who are allowed to pursue our terrible photography in private.
Image: Clare Stephens
Then, before we knew it, Brooklyn was in love. In April 2022, the 23-year-old married billionaire heiress Nicola Peltz in a three-day, 500-person, $3 million dollar wedding they both hated.
It was around the time of this wedding that we sensed, for the first time, that there was real tension between the newlyweds and the Beckham family. By 'sensed' I mean there were 7,3847 tabloid reports about it, claiming everything from 'Victoria stole the first dance' to 'Nicola was a spoiled brat' to 'Victoria was meant to design Nicola's dress but then pulled out at the last minute'.
I thought they were all lies, or at least slightly embellished gossip.
That was until January 20, when Brooklyn Beckham — seemingly out of nowhere — posted a six-slide statement to his Instagram stories, saying he was "standing up for myself for the first time in my life."
Listen: The Mamamia Out Loud hosts discuss the Brooklyn Beckham Instagram post. Post continues below.
The media immediately went wild. Everyone had urgent questions about Victoria Beckham's alleged "inappropriate" dancing. David Beckham quickly made a veiled reference to the "mistakes" your children make. And yes, we'll get to all that.
But first, I simply need to get a red pen and go through Brooklyn's Canva-designed posts slide-by-slide and work out what the f*ck is happening.
Image: Clare Stephens
Okay but why am I so shocked his parents have gone to the press, presumably to leak stories about him? Who. Plants. Stories. About. Their. Own. Child. In. The. Tabloids.
You just know Brooklyn and Nicola have been having dinner at Harry and Meghan's house and what I would do to be a fly on the wall during those conversations.
Unfortunately, it's immediately obvious that poor Brooklyn has made a fundamental mistake. He thinks if he simply "tells the truth" then everything will be cleared up and he and Nicola can resume living their (entirely abnormal) lives. But as is often the case with celebrity statements, it leaves us with more questions than answers, which means you've just whetted the appetite of precisely everyone with a smartphone.
From this slide alone I need to know:
With that said, you've got my attention, Sir. Well done. A bombshell first slide, 10/10.
Image: Clare Stephens
Brooklyn. We need details.
I'm starting to think this really should've been a Substack post. Unlimited characters. Space for receipts. Footnotes. Nicola could've commented, adding context. These slides are just too brief to capture the importance of what's being discussed.
HOW have your parents been trying to ruin your relationship, Brooklyn? I need examples.
Meanwhile, we finally have clarity on the wedding dress. Poor Nicola was forced to find a new wedding dress after Victoria Beckham bailed on her, and ended up having to wear a sh*tty custom Valentino Couture gown.
There's just one problem.
Watch: Why Brooklyn Beckham blocked his parents. Post continues below.
A previous interview, published in Vogue just after the wedding, completely contradicts this story. Nicola's stylist told the magazine that the bride had been in conversations with former Valentino creative director Pierpaolo Piccioli's team about the gown for over a year.
Now. Could this have been a white lie to cover up the family tensions at a time when Brooklyn and Nicola didn't want to make them public? Sure. But magazines and designers love a last-minute wedding dress story. It makes everything infinitely more exciting. It seems odd to share two conflicting accounts about the wedding and not acknowledge it, but again this is why Brooklyn needs a Substack.
His next claim is perhaps the vaguest of them all. Brooklyn says his parents "attempted to bribe me into signing away the rights to my name," which is a sentence that might make sense in celebrity circles, or in the context of a conversation with Prince Harry, but isn't exactly a… familiar… issue… for the average person.
(The surname 'Stephens' doesn't appear to hold any monetary value).
Did David and Victoria not want Brooklyn and Nicola to be able to call themselves the Beckhams?
He then says his "holdout" (??) affected "the payday" and WHOSE PAYDAY, BROOKLYN.
I also have feedback regarding the lack of paragraphs used in these slides, which leads me to believe he didn't run this past a professional of any kind. I think perhaps he drafted them and then Nicola helped him create the tiles in Canva.
Brooklyn goes straight from his vague "payday" claims to an unrelated complaint that his mother called him "evil" because of the seating arrangements at his wedding.
Do I believe this? Absolutely. Weddings cause people to become possessed and demonic. I do not know why, but it is an undeniable truth about humanity.
Image: Clare Stephens
HOW HAS NICOLA BEEN DISRESPECTED BY YOUR FAMILY? If this were a high school essay, the teacher would've left question marks all over it.
With that said, I appreciate the example of Victoria Beckham inviting Brooklyn's exes into their lives because, yes, that is quite disrespectful. However, I would like to know who these ladies are and how they've been… involved. In the family.
It is quite telling that — despite all the media coverage around Brooklyn not attending his dad's 50th — he actually did travel to London to see him. It's sad to think his father valued Brooklyn's presence at a public event above all else, and I can see why that would hurt. Although, Brooklyn is clearly beginning to see why public perception does matter. His desire to be liked and understood is strong enough for him to write this statement. Can he see that his dad probably wants the same things, too?
Interesting that Nicola wasn't invited when Brooklyn finally did get to see his dad. Verrrrry Harry and Meghan.
Image: Clare Stephens
Okay so your family clearly hate your wife and that really sucks. Genuinely not sure how you resolve that, and it must be very painful.
But SHUT THE F*CK UP because WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THE FIRST DANCE.
This story was leaked after the wedding to the tabloids, with details about how Nicola ran out of the room crying when what was meant to be her first dance turned into a dance between Brooklyn and his mother.
It's so weird. I'm obsessed.
But here, Brooklyn claims his mum danced "very inappropriately on me" (ON me, not WITH me), and "I've never felt more uncomfortable or humiliated in my entire life."
We. Need. That. Footage.
Immediately.
Again, this contradicts an earlier story that Nicola and Brooklyn's first dance was to South African singer Lloyiso's rendition of Elvis Presley's Can't Help Falling in Love. Later in the evening, according to their official Vogue article, Marc Antony sang his song I Need To Know for a mother-son dance. Were there two first dances?
Did Victoria gyrate? Did she twerk?
What did Nelson (Nicola's ~80-year-old father) think?
Brooklyn, this statement needs to be turned into a 10-part docuseries.
Image: Clare Stephens
This is where Brooklyn got tired.
He'd dropped too many bombshells, too fast, and was running out of steam. I get it.
The sweeping statements are sweeping, with a severe lack of specificity.
That is, until he remembers that one time Nicola asked for Victoria Beckham's support to save displaced dogs during a NATURAL DISASTER and Victoria said no.
Okay. Hmm. I mean, yes, ideally your mother-in-law would help in that situation. But there are too many questions. What kind of support was Nicola looking for? Did she want Victoria to adopt 36 dogs? Did she want her to post on Instagram about it? We don't know.
There is so much we don't know.
Image: Clare Stephens
Oh, Brooklyn. I'm glad your anxiety has disappeared. And I don't think your wife controls you — I think that's a misogynistic narrative we like to use to demonise women and pretend men aren't entitled to complex emotions.
But if you don't want a life shaped by image, press, or manipulation, this statement was probably a… terrible idea.
Already, David Beckham has spoken on CNBC's Squawk Box in an awkwardly timed interview about children and social media.
Without addressing his son's posts directly, he said:
"I've been able to use my platform and my following for UNICEF. And it has been the biggest tool to make people aware of what's going on around the world for children."
"And… I've tried to do the same with my children, to educate them," he added. "They make mistakes, but children are allowed to make mistakes. That is how they learn. That is what I try to teach my kids."
"You sometimes have to let them make those mistakes as well."
Almost immediately, Brooklyn Beckham's statement seems to be a Rorschach test that tells us far more about ourselves than the specific nature of this high-profile family feud. If you've ever found yourself estranged from a parent or an in-law, if you've felt powerless, if you've struggled to become independent from controlling family members, your empathy probably lies with Brooklyn.
On the other hand, if you're an imperfect parent (i.e. any parent), his statement probably represents your single greatest fear, which in turn makes you want to dismiss him as entitled and silly.
I do think it's important to acknowledge that material wealth doesn't protect you from emotional pain. It's easy to roll your eyes about a young man who has never really had to work a day in his life, who is miserable about his $3 million wedding day.
But at the core of it is just a person, wrangling with a question humans have had to confront since the beginning of time:
Why. Is. My. Family. Completely. Batsh*t. Crazy.
This article was originally published on Clare Stephens' Substack and is re-published here with permission.
Featured Image: Getty.
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