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A vast majority of this episode can be summarised as follows:
We are inundated with flashbacks that we obviously don't need because we were there. We were never anywhere else.
But SHHHH it's time for Sophie's date and Mr Badger has curled his hair in preparation.
Nick picks up Sophie in a fancy car and drives significantly over the speed limit and we just know Osher is going to pull them over if he doesn't slow down.
Finally, they arrive at a skydiving... place, and we are reminded that it is not even remotely interesting to watch other people talk about how nervous they are to do a thing we have little to no investment in.
Once they get in the plane, Mr Badger says, "Sophie was absolutely boggin' herself," and Badger, pls, that's private.
Ultimately Osher, still cranky about the speeding incident, calls off the skydiving, and now Nick and Sophie are stuck in a skydiving plane, strapped to two skydiving instructors and strictly not allowed to go skydiving.
... Cool.
The instructors awkwardly blame it on the wind but everyone heard Osher's tantrum and it's all very embarrassing.
As they land an instructor angrily mutters, "Well that was a fkn waste of everyone's time..." and we know kind sir. We know.
Hours later, after spending the day sitting on the tarmac of the skydiving centre waiting for Osher to pick them up (he confiscated the car... obviously) Sophie and Nick are transported to a comfortable seat in an unspecified location.
First on the agenda is how horrendously disappointing their day was, but once that's out of the way, Sophie decides it's time to tell Nick how she really feels.
"I'm very quickly falling head over heels for you," she says and... we don't believe you but okay.
Next is Brittany's date and this time Nick has been given an ice cream truck given it cannot accelerate to more than 30 kilometres per hour.
At this point we'd like to pause and acknowledge that no amount of novelty trucks could possibly distract us from the pervasive rumours that apparently Mr Badger ends up with no one.
Britt orders an ice cream from the creepy man with the moustache and he says that she has to pay in "smooches" which we're pretty sure is an illegal form of currency. Nonetheless, Britt agrees and they sit on the grass eating sorbet which we can all agree is an appalling choice.
But... no.
Just as Nick's asking some question about what Britt's family thought of him, we notice something... unusual.
Just because you have a hood over you head doesn't mean you're invisible. We can literally all see you.
Nick then takes Brittany to a lawn outside a mansion, where a three-piece band arrive to perform - all of whom look like they want to die.
Mr Badger starts dancing like our Dad but worse because clearly he thinks that's what they're meant to do and dear God pls make it stop immediately.
He keeps stepping on Brittany's toes and the band couldn't be more horrified. This is not how any of them envisioned their music career mostly because this is hell.
We need to leave this situation so IT'S TIME FOR BROOKE'S DATE PLS.
Mr Badger is taking her to a park where they can paint each other's almost naked bodies and, yes, we feel weird about it.
But pause.
As much as this show is ridiculous, sexist, problematic, etc, etc, there is a moment when Nick is painting Brooke's boob yellow that we think: Nah, these two people are legit falling in love.
For reasons we shall never understand, their body painting ends up looking... good. Someone is an artist and it definitely isn't Nick.
Their date moves to a couch and this is where things get real and we're super f*cking confused.
Nick says he's struggling with his feelings for all three women and that's fine except that you're... not.
You love Brooke? We love Brooke? Everyone loves Brooke tho?
Brooke wants reassurance that Nick actually likes her and all of a sudden he goes completely silent. WHY. SIR. LITERALLY WEEKS AGO YOU WERE SAYING YOU COULD MARRY HER. WHY ARE YOU NOT SPEAKING. YOU JUST PAINTED EACH OTHER'S BODIES. YOU LIKED IT A LOT. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS.
Brooke starts crying and Nick does precisely nothing about it. WHY.
This is how it happens.
This is how Nick f*cks up his entire opportunity to find love in this hopeless place.
With absolutely no resolution, it's suddenly time for the rose ceremony and this is all happening so fast we didn't even have time to do our hair.
As the women are casually waiting for Nick to enter, Brooke abruptly leaves the room and we did not know you were technically allowed to do that.
On her way out, she runs into Osher and asks if she can speak to Nick. Osher isn't quite sure but given she wasn't complicit in the speeding incident, he says yes.
Crying, Brooke says that she has a lot of questions and she just "needs answers" and omg same.
She is ALL OF US after we've been seeing a guy for upwards of three months and we ask if they like us AT ALL EVEN A LITTLE BIT and they go silent because it's all too much.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU NICK. SAY SOMETHING. YOU CAN SAY GODDAMN "HOOROO, CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG - LIKE A GOOSE IN A DOONA FACTORY!" WHEN WE WISH YOU'D SHUT UP AND NOW YOU CANNOT FIND ONE SINGLE THING TO SAY.
Brooke literally cancelled her life to come on your stupid show and WHY ARE YOU NOT SPEAKING.
PLS.
"This is a tough place..." Nick says and no. We are furious.
You asked Osher to find you 24 women. YOU asked that.
Despite all odds, he somehow found a Brooke and you CBF replying to her.
"I just can't give her what she wants right now..." Nick says and ALL SHE WANTS is for you to say you DON'T HATE HER AND THAT SHE'S FINE and she will stay YOU IDIOT and you can give her an ugly ring in New Caledonia next week why do you not understand.
Brooke decides to walk out, and Nick decides to be a gentleman and walk her to the car.
HONEY, NO.
We don't mean to be rude but what the f*ck just happened.
"I know his heart is in the right place..." Brooke says and we... definitely don't know that.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT WHERE WE BELIEVE IN OUR SOULS THAT NICK CHOOSES NO ONE AND OSHER CRIES INTO THE OCEAN.
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Catch up on all the recaps right here:
Ep 1: The Twins recap The Bachelor: The awkward incident that has two women fuming.
Ep 2: The Twins recap The Bachelor: The most cringeworthy first kiss we've ever seen.
Ep 3: The Twins recap The Bachelor: The love letter that should’ve never, ever been read.
Ep 4: The Twins recap The Bachelor: One woman leans in for a kiss and Nick… doesn’t want it.
Ep 5: The Twins recap The Bachelor: We have one, very simple question for Cass.
Ep 6: The Twins recap The Bachelor: A request for a kiss ends in tears and we're done.
Ep 7: The Twins recap The Bachelor: Er… it actually just became too mean.
Ep 8: The Twins recap The Bachelor: The Mean Girls ending no one saw coming.
Ep 9: The Twins recap The Bachelor: So this whole thing about Brooke's secret is really messed up.
Ep 10: The Twins recap The Bachelor: “Let’s stop kidding ourselves.” One woman walks out.
Ep 11: The Twins recap The Bachelor: The silence that killed our dreams.
Ep 12: The Twins recap: Well… let’s be real about what led to that random AF eviction.
Ep 13: The Twins recap The Bachelor: An X-rated pool session makes us very uncomfortable.
Ep 14: The Twins recap The Bachelor: “This is really inappropriate, Britt.”
