Strap yourselves in, guys.
An anonymous American bride has caught her fiance in bed with one of her bridesmaids on the night before their wedding.
Another bridesmaid (not the one in bed with said fiance) has given a blow by blow (sorry) account of what followed on Twitter, and honestly, it’s better than any daytime soap we’ve ever seen.
There’s a potluck, a spontaneous Las Vegas wedding, a paintball attack and some very odd Harry Potter references.
The bridesmaid, who goes by the Twitter name Starlight Witch, begins live tweeting the event by saying her friend wants to "keep the drama off Twitter".
Y'all. I have been having the most ridiculous 24 hours. Friend wants to keep the drama off twitter, but is okay with me saying this:
— Starlight Witch (@starlightgeek) June 17, 2017
Then she puts ALL the drama on Twitter.
She caught her fiance in bed with one of her bridesmaids last night. They were supposed to be getting married today.
— Starlight Witch (@starlightgeek) June 17, 2017
It was going to be a low-key backyard wedding. We're still doing the potluck & party. He's not welcome. Locks changed, etc.
— Starlight Witch (@starlightgeek) June 17, 2017
She's angry as hell. No tears yet. I was a bridesmaid and there was a third; 3rd and bride and I are plotting.
— Starlight Witch (@starlightgeek) June 17, 2017
Frankly, I wouldn't piss off two Slytherins and a Ravenclaw, especially if two of them have law degrees.
— Starlight Witch (@starlightgeek) June 17, 2017
Then she threatens to leave and take the drama away from us (you just can't do that Starlight Witch, we're already emotionally invested).
Anyway, I'll probably be MIA the rest of the day but figured y'all would appreciate knowing what was going on. It's been an adventure.
— Starlight Witch (@starlightgeek) June 17, 2017
But then she's back and everyone's shooting paintballs at the wedding dress and this feels like a plot from a Judd Apatow movie.
Quick update: potluck was fun, his crap is cleared out, and now we are dancing to a good DJ and shooting paintballs at her dress. A+
— Starlight Witch (@starlightgeek) June 18, 2017
update: Everyone is now calling them "painballs" and I just can't
— Starlight Witch (@starlightgeek) June 18, 2017
But then PLOT TWIST. The dirtbag groom and the (former) bridesmaid are getting hitched in Las Vegas. And she's apparently livestreaming the whole thing.
HOLY SHIT SHITTY BRIDESMAID/SECRET GIRLFRIEND AND THE EX ARE IN LAS VEGAS WHAT IS GOING ON
— Starlight Witch (@starlightgeek) June 18, 2017
SHE'S LIVESTREAMING THEM GETTING MARRIED WHAT EVEN IS GOING ON HOW IS THIS EVEN HAPPENING
— Starlight Witch (@starlightgeek) June 18, 2017
everyone here is screaming and gathered around an ipad
the bride is on the grass crying with laughter
— Starlight Witch (@starlightgeek) June 18, 2017
The bride then comes out with the best one liner ever: "“I didn’t dodge a bullet, I dodged a f**king atomic bomb", and she is our new feminist hero.
she managed to choke out "I didn't dodge a bullet; I dodged a fucking atomic bomb" oh my gods this is just
what is happening
— Starlight Witch (@starlightgeek) June 18, 2017
The shitty ex-fiance and the bridesmaid from hell then announce they're going on a REAL honeymoon and why is this all playing out on social media? (but also please don't stop).
Shitty Bridesmaid is boasting how they're going on a REAL honeymoon. We *were* taking bets on whether it would be a tacky resort in Mexico
— Starlight Witch (@starlightgeek) June 18, 2017
or a cliche trip to Paris, but the Bride announced that he's not leaving the country; she's got his passport ????????????
— Starlight Witch (@starlightgeek) June 18, 2017
We are now taking bets on whether she's going to livestream the wedding night.
— Starlight Witch (@starlightgeek) June 18, 2017
Vogue names the wedding trends that are over for 2017. Post continues...
And now the jilted bride is really, really peed off.
Oh btw Ex and Bride had a shared bank account for their honeymoon (they were planning on Scotland in late autumn). She drained & closed it
— Starlight Witch (@starlightgeek) June 18, 2017
while waiting for me to pick her up last night. She's changed the passwords on all her accounts (including her Netflix, ofc).
— Starlight Witch (@starlightgeek) June 18, 2017
Dude just angrily texted her b/c he's realized the money is gone
(she's left Cohort Bridesmaid in charge of her phone)
— Starlight Witch (@starlightgeek) June 18, 2017
Tomorrow we donate her mattress to a DV shelter. His clothes go to Goodwill. She owns his laptop. His mother is taking anything else.
— Starlight Witch (@starlightgeek) June 18, 2017
Low-key update: we've decided to take his things to *multiple* goodwill locations. Can't make it too easy for him to get it all back.
— Starlight Witch (@starlightgeek) June 18, 2017
Starlight Witch finishes up her livetweeting by saying they've given the dirtbag groom's passport and personal items to his mum, and now he'll have to deal with her wrath.
Just to clear up a few things before I go to sleep: she's not *keeping* his passport; he forgot it in his rush to flee his guilty conscience
— Starlight Witch (@starlightgeek) June 18, 2017
It's one of the items (along with photos and similar) that his mother will be taking. He can deal with *her* wrath.
— Starlight Witch (@starlightgeek) June 18, 2017
And we all know hell hath no fury like a mother of the groom scorned.
Let's hope she live tweets it.
