ASK MADISON: 'My partner's ex girlfriend told him he wasn't good in bed. What do I do?"

Warning: This post deals with sexual themes and is NSFW.

Whatever your burning sex or relationship question, sex worker and relationship counsellor, Madison Missina has the answer. This week, she discusses how to boost your partner’s confidence if they’ve been put down sexually in the past.

“My boyfriend and I have been together for about four months. Everything is great, but orgasms require a bit of work. We have a lot of sex, but only get to see each other a few times a fortnight due to work and distance.

“He seems to have issues from the past, he says he has a small penis, he doesn’t, it’s just a regular sized one. He also says that he can’t reach orgasm from oral sex.

“I think some of his issues are his baggage. He has had a previous woman tell him that they weren’t sexually compatible because he isn’t very good. 

“I have never had issues before, I can have multiple orgasms regularly, but I am struggling. I really like him and don’t want this to become our issue.

“How can I convince him to relax and just let things flow?”

It’s one of the beautiful parts of our feminine energy that we want to nurture and mother others, we see their pain, their baggage and we want to help them sort through it and leave it all behind. Do you see the problem here yet?

When we nurture and try to help our partners with their baggage we are mothering. Mothering is the act of someone superior helping the inferior one out through guiding and caring. That is beautiful and meaningful when it comes to child rearing, when it comes to training a new employee but in relationships we really should be seeking out an equal power balance.

The previous woman he was with who told him he wasn’t very good in bed emasculated him, the very notion that she felt she was entitled to put him down was the same unbalanced power play that goes on with mothering however it was done not out of care but out of harm.

So the first thing that you need to do is let go of your need to fix him. You need to see him as a capable man who in his own time will get to his baggage, that’s his business, not yours. And you need to focus on the woman in you who owns her pleasure and wants to share it with him.

Loving the work of @saxegaardphotography who captures my femininity so well.

A post shared by Madison Missina™ (@madisonmissina) on Apr 16, 2017 at 3:54pm PDT

So how does this look in bedroom?

You know how men often joke that women need to come with a manual? Well we do, it’s called our voices. Now as you have already discovered you are multiply orgasmic, share with him how you work. Tell him that all women are different but this how you work, then take control of your own pleasure, show him, direct him and be honest.

All women have different responses to pleasure so there is nothing bad when our new partners cant quite get us yet. In a way a great sex life with our partners is one we build through training our partners on what we like. But make sure you are also allowing him to play and explore in his own way too that is a great way to discover new parts to your sexuality.

The other thing is when we get too focused on doing sex right; it becomes more a performance thing rather than an intimacy thing. I see a lot of guys right now trying to be pornstars rather than lovers.

LISTEN: Madison Missini explains why asking someone what ‘their number is’ is problematic on the Prude and the Pornstar (post continues after audio…)

The key to being a great lover is being present in the moment and I find that the quickest way to get focused on what is happening rather than what you’re trying to achieve is through the mishaps. When things go wrong in sex it’s those moments that often lead both partners to drop the act and fully connect and that’s where the intimacy comes from.

When he gets nervous and you see his insecurities start to surface tell him how much he means to you and how much you desire him and how you love exploring sex with him. But don’t dwell here, his insecurities are his alone to fix.

Standing in your own power and reassuring him that he is the one you want is enough, the minute you feel the need to convince him of how you feel you are moving from equal partner to mother. You are also sending him the message that when he gets anxious you get then get anxious so you are trying to fix his state.

A good point to remember here is that anxiety/nervousness is the same physiological emotion as excitement – the only difference is whether you believe the outcome will be good or bad.

Take a look at rollercoasters; some people get excited to go on them because they value the thrill, others get nervous because they fear the thrill. Either way the thrill is the same. So hold the space for him that the outcome is going to be worthwhile and invite him to join you there but it’s his decision if does, either way the thrill will be same.

When it comes to his penis size I would just respond with: “Well I like the size of your penis.”

In fact smaller to average sized penises are the best for penetrative sex, between you and me, it’s the men with the larger sized penises who are really ripped off as they don’t get to enjoy all the many variations of sex plus smaller penises are better proportioned to stimulate our G spots, but that’s off topic.

When it comes to him saying he wont be able to climax from oral, that’s OK. His orgasms are his business just as yours are your business. Change the focus of your sexual activities from chasing orgasms to chasing pleasure; make it fun and less about the end goal. You both will climax when your bodies get there.

So in summary, don’t worry about him relaxing, you relax, enjoy your new man as he is right now, baggage and all. A little secret here - it's our idiosyncrasies our own unique collection of baggage, our imperfections are what makes us all unique.

If you are close enough to a person to see what’s in their baggage that’s one of the best parts of loving someone. You are getting a view into their existence that not many other people will ever get to see.

So love him for these little things he has right now, I bet he’s also getting to see into your inner world much the same way.

[askMadison]