family

'My ex's second wife moved in with me after they separated. People always have the same reaction.'

I separated from my ex-husband 25 years ago, in the year 2000. Our children were three and six at the time.

We probably both had a couple of trial partners after that, but within 18 months he'd settled down with Rachel.

I'd always figured, since the kids were so young at the time, that it was in my best interest to make friends with the person who was going to be spending a lot of time with them.

So, as soon as Rachel started appearing in the car for drop-offs and pick-ups, I invited her in.

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Soon enough, instead of my ex-husband, it was Rachel doing most of the drop-offs and pick-ups.

Shortly after that, it was her and I that would do all the time and planning arrangements, since it seemed that my ex-husband and I (for a short period) couldn't really have a conversation without it ending in an argument.

On those occasions, when it did end in an argument, Rachel would call me the next day and apologise on his behalf. She'd tell me that she'd had a chat with him and got him to see both sides. She'd reassure me that she'd sort things out so that everyone was happy.

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As it turned out, Rachel had come from a broken family, so she understood the 'mum' perspective. And over time, we became very good friends, and both respected each other's position within the family dynamic.

Ever since our first Christmas as a separate family — when, according to our solicitor's documents, the kids were supposed to spend the day with me — I didn't think it was fair for my ex-husband, who is originally from overseas, to have Christmas on his own without any of his family, or his kids.

We'd been together for 13 years at that point, so my family were also his family.

That first Christmas, I invited him for a sleepover so that the kids could wake up with mum and dad in the house. They were so happy about it — so happy, I'm sure they could have done it without any presents.

A family photo.Louise Ridlen opens up about her blended family. Image: Supplied.

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Since then, it's become a tradition, and we would sleep over at either house every Christmas. We would also share Easter, birthdays, Mother's Day and Father's Day, all of us together.

It seems normal for us now. Any new partner I've had has quickly been introduced to the extended family, and it's a pre-requisite for a longer-term relationship that they fit in with everyone — the good ones always do!

Rachel and I are often surprised at people's reactions, mostly to the sleepovers.

I've always thought it was odd that everybody doesn't do it this way.

When I left my ex-husband, for reasons that were important for me, I always hoped he would find someone who was a better match for him than me. And, he most certainly did with Rachel, for almost 20 years.

Then, Rachel also found herself in a position where it was time to move on. By this point, my two kids had moved out of my family home, so I had some extra space.

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Initially, Rachel moved home to the country to be with her family, but then when she was ready to move back to the city, it made sense for her and her now 13-year-old daughter to move in with me and my current partner.

Listen: In this episode of Mamamia's Parenting Out Loud podcast, the hosts unpack the reality of co-parenting, blended families, and what it takes to make it work. Post continues below.

We've been sharing for six months now, and it's a good fit. Unsurprisingly, we've got similar personalities, so it works quite well. We're both hardworking, and like to just get on with things without too much fuss — so we do just that.

We do get lots of comments like: "it's just weird", "why would you two be friends", "I bet you just sit around and say horrible things about him".

But we're too busy living our lives, so we don't pay any attention to the naysayers. I honestly don't see why we should do anything different to this.

With so many people getting divorced, I don't know why everyone doesn't get on with their lives and all be friends.

I do think it's to do with people feeling guilt or shame about getting divorced, and needing to find a 'valid' reason for separating other than 'we just don't get along anymore'.

It makes people go crazy and blame each other for things that did or didn't happen, just so that they can feel vindicated that they weren't the one who did anything wrong.

Sometimes, they start bringing the kids into it for leverage and that just makes my blood boil.

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Louise and Rachel posing at a formal event with smiles."I honestly don't see why we should do anything different to this," writes Louise Ridlen. Image: Supplied.

We absolutely have issues with money and finances and child support — the same way that most divorced couples do, but it doesn't have to be the focus.

Children should always be the focus, and adult problems should be just that — dealt with separately without the children being involved.

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Having a blended family that works is the only way that children can grow up feeling safe and secure that everybody loves them.

Here are a couple of my favourite quotes from my kids when they were growing up, that show just how well our blended family has worked.

At my ex-husband and Rachel's wedding, my son Reggie, who was nine at the time, stood up and made a speech.

He said: "It's lucky that my dad divorced my mum, because if he didn't then we wouldn't have met Rachel.

"And I know that one day when she has her own kids, she will love them as much as she loves us."

When my daughter Brit was a teenager, she said to a friend: "It would be so much better if your mum and dad were divorced and hated each other – you could get away with so much more.

"My mum and dad talk to each other all the time, they're like an old married couple who just don't live together, and it's so annoying. They always know exactly what I'm doing."

Louise Ridlen is the CEO of Peppermint iT.

Want more real stories about co-parenting and blended families? Here are a few to keep reading:

Feature: Supplied.

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