The Twins recap Married at First Sight: A grown man just snapped on national television.

March 12, 2019

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We open back on the set of Basketball Diaries, where Cyrell’s brother Ivan has told Nic to “pack his bags,” before dribbling the ball (badly) to the ring and then horrifically missing an entirely undefended layup.

“That’ll show him…” Ivan probably says under his breath, before tripping over his own feet and grazing his knees.

Over at Heidi’s place, she’s decided she wants to see what Mike would be like as a father and so has kidnapped two unsuspecting children from a neighbour.

Mike decides to organise a treasure hunt. He begins with a poem but in the poem are clues regarding the whereabouts of the treasure and… Sir. Too much explaining not enough treasure.

Clare and Jessie Stephens

March 12, 2019

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"I don't get it," says the five-year-old and sweetie neither do we.

We then find ourselves on Susie's farm, where Susie thinks she's getting a "good idea of how to treat Billy," which is disturbing given this is what he's been doing all day.

billy mafs — "You're doing a shit job and I hate you darling!"

The moment Billy sits down there's a knock on the door and a sudden onset of horror music which seems unnecessary until we discover that, yes, Susie's father has flown in from Adelaide for the sole purpose of breaking Billy.

"I was definitely not scared," Billy says, which sound very much like the words of a scared person but okay.

Susie's dad decides to take Billy aside to discuss how lucky he is to be married to a demon who hates him.

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"Fighting is good," he tells Billy and DUDE SHE LITERALLY TOLD BILLY SHE HATED HIS FACE DO YOU UNDERSTAND.

"You're talking crap. I expected much more from you", he says, before calling Billy weak, and Mr. Susie's Dad with all due respect your daughter is a monster.

susie-dad — 'You have a point young chap.'

SHHHHH. Ivan is telling Cyrell about how he told Nic to leave and this is the saddest end to the worst love story of all time.

It's like Romeo and Juliet except Juliet tried to hit a woman and threatened a security guard.

"YOU SHOULDNT 'AVE DUN THAT 2 HIM IM ACTULLY UPSET" Cyrell yells before demanding access to Nic.

It turns out he's just outside. Like 10 metres away. In the gutter.

Cyrell begs Nic not to listen to Ivan, but it's too late.

Ivan won the basketball duel and the rules clearly state that Nic has to go back to Sydney. He packs his things and leaves.

brother-ivan — 'Yeah I'm pretty intimidating.'

Meanwhile, Jules has invited her parents over to her six million dollar apartment to drink Dom Pérignon and do other rich people shit.

Her mother in particular was very apprehensive when Jules announced she would be marrying a stranger on national television and that a man named John Aiken would be involved.

But now that she's seen Cam's face up close, and has been given an opportunity to touch it, she understands.

Ning and Mark have decided that after living together for six weeks they should probably "share a proper kiss" where Ning doesn't start yelling "GROSS" before rinsing her mouth out and then bitching to the camera for 15 minutes.

They lie next to each other in what we will rigorously argue is a single bed, and kiss while we all... watch. We feel weird that we're here but it's too late to leave so we just watch intensely.

We learn the next morning that a few moments later, Ning's phone rang so she a lil' bit answered it and had a lengthy conversation with a friend about life, what's on TV, how Angelina Jolie is coping after Brad etc. which according to Mark, she shouldn't have done.

ning mafs — "She reads a lot of New Idea. Like a lot."

Ning feels slightly guilty but ultimately has no regrets because she will always value gossip over sex and that's the way it should be.

Over at Jessika's inexplicably beautiful home in Perth, she's offered to make Mick a green smoothie in her NutriBullet and why is everyone on this show a low key millionaire.

But Mick isn't interested in the smoothie. He's become so depressed that he's now playing with his one and only friend - a rogue pot plant.

mick mafs — Sir stop touching the plant.

In an attempt to remedy Mick's hopelessness, Jessika decides to take him out for drinks.

"Jess has taken me to this strange place somewhere in Perth," Mick says and mate your enthusiasm is contagious.

She clearly feels bad about the time she cheated on her husband (now), so starts flirting with him and stroking his hand.

Jess asks Mick to give their relationship a chance, to which he responds, "f*ck are you feeling alright?" but also, "what is wrong with you?"

Cool.

Over in Melbourne, Tamara takes Dan to meet her family, and yes Aunty Cheryl has questions. But pause.

We zoomed in on her printed list and holy sh*t a producer has gone through and corrected it.

Dan's answers are frankly appalling, and Aunty Cheryl has a feeling he's not here for the 'right reasons,' which we'd argue is.. obvious.

Back at Susie's, Billy is trying to embrace toxic masculinity, as suggested by Susie's dad.

"I think it annoys you that me and your dad get along," Billy jokes and no. Susie. Doesn't. Like. That. Joke.

She calls Billy a smartarse, storms out of the room and cries, but don't worry, Mr. Man Billy knows how to deal with this now.

"I'm not taking that, that's ridiculous," he says and Billy sometimes we need to tread carefully when we're dealing with the devil.

Susie doesn't like this new Billy, in that he's like the old Billy but slightly... louder, so she storms out of the room.

"SUSIE YOU'RE MY WIFE!" Billy yells and not really but okay.

The following day, Susie and Billy decide to put their differences aside to go to drinks with Susie's friends.

He starts explaining the bullying, relentless abuse, etc. that he's suffered at the hands of Susie and she interrupts to say, "you don't have to keep going darling..."

Oh.

In a private conversation with two of Susie's friends, Billy confesses that he's having a "difficult time" and needs help immediately. Like can you guys call 1800 RESPECT.

They insist that Susie comes from a good place, and it's probably a little bit his fault because she's never treated any of her former partners like this.

Now. If you've ever wondered what it looks like when a 28-year-old barista/personal trainer snaps on national television, behold:

Back at Susie's place, Billy tries to tell her she's a) obnoxious, b) cruel, and c) a demon, so Susie condescendingly tells him he's going to have to leave now and stay somewhere else.

Billy packs his things, and deep down, he knows this is his moment: the opportunity for him to get the last word on this shitshow of a relationship.

Taking a deep breath, he mutters, "I'm trying to help you my dear... but you're a brat. Beauty's only skin deep. As well."

Mate. You need to work on your elocution.

Then the clanger: "Some day you're not as... going to look as good... as good as you look right now...my dear."

OH DEAR GOD BILLY YOUR EXECUTION IS PAINFUL.

Why do you keep saying 'my dear'.

He leaves but then COMES BACK, for what appears to be protein powder he left in the cupboard (??) but also yet another final word.

"I know your intentions for this whole thing were false as well so..." and Billy you need to stop stealing things from the pantry and evacuate the property.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

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Catch up on all our recaps, right here:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 26: One woman's family throws out a groom.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 25: Jessika. You need to go home.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 24: Two people just cheated and... hang on.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 23: The off-handed comment that ruined a relationship.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 22: Oh. We didn't know there was anyone crueler than Ines.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 21: The commitment ceremony breaks a man.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 20: Jessika. What the hell.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 19: The truth about Martha and Cyrell's fight.