I’m shook.
A bikini brand is trolling us again and my first two questions are simply: 1. How? and 2. No.
Fashion Nova has released a new swimsuit called the ‘Euphoria Bikini‘ and breasts everywhere are getting a stern talking to from their owners.
“38 years I’ve had you and you’ve never behaved like that,” some are saying between gritted teeth.
“You need thick straps, 45 clips, padding, duct tape, four slings and a fork lift for us to even leave the house and this lady needs, what? A strap that serves no function?” others are yelling at their awkward looking boobs, the left hanging slightly lower than the right for reasons they’ve never quite understood.
WATCH: Mamamia reviews a horrific bikini trend. Post continues.
You see, the bikini top in question covers about one third of the woman’s breasteses, leaving the bottom two thirds to do their own thing like it’s no big deal.
This would be fine except it’s not at all because it defies gravity which is not something Fashion Nova addresses.
If I stood up in that swimsuit, my breasts would fall like wet bags of sand, the top strap awkwardly wrapping around my neck like a bib. That a baby wears.
And then I would be arrested and taken to prison.
After looking at this bikini from all angles, I have precisely five questions.
After thorough analysis it doesn't appear to be providing any additional (and much needed) support. Is it for... aesthetic reasons?
OK. I get it. You get to the beach, and while you're in the car you put your underboob bikini on, lying horizontally on the backseat. It looks great. Boobs always look better lying down.
Then, you roll out of the backseat onto the gravel, and then onto the sand, picking up speed as you go.
So far, underboob still looking good.
Then you reach your spot on the beach, and still, having been horizontal the entire time, you've managed not to pop a single nip.
But what happens when you need to wee? Or you want to stand in knee deep water?
Inevitably shit is going to fall out. Which seems to defeat the entire purpose of a swimsuit.
You can be wearing a goddamn full length wetsuit and step out of the surf and somehow have two (cold) nipples showing.
So WHAT would HAPPEN in this SPANDEX number?
You would emerge from the water with one boob over your shoulder and the other just under your chin, with that ridiculous under strap between your legs and the top half covering your mouth.
They just...
They're so... round. And perky. And don't look like any boob I've ever seen out in the wild.
You wouldn't need to dry underneath them after a shower, or lift them up to place them into an ugly skin coloured bra.
What a life.
Not because it doesn't look great, just because it doesn't appear to quite fit around the bosom area specifically.
It looks like the underboob area could get, dare I say it, quite sunburnt, which would be uncomfortable but also make for bizarre tan lines.
Otherwise, you do you, lady who looks oddly like Ines from the latest season of Married at First Sight.
If I ever see you at the beach, gallivanting around in the waves, I will salute you.
