…No.
It’s September, which means a) the weather could turn hot at any time, and b) that might require me to wear a swimming costume.
It seems to have happened awfully quickly, and without warning. And this year, it's even more terrifying than usual.
Because according to Instagram, the biggest bikini trend for this summer looks like it was specifically designed by scientists who have a vested interest in ruining women's self esteem.
Which seems... rude.
The new trend is called the 'floss bikini,' and it's being worn by women I like to pretend aren't actually real people, like Kim Kardashian and Emily Ratajkowski. The bikini gets its name from its striking resemblance to dental floss, which, in case you haven't used it in a while, is a literal piece of string.
They hardly cover anything, including your genitalia, and are held together by strings so thin they look like they might spontaneously snap.
Luckily for the women who wear them, their bodies are so flawless they don't require much fabric to support them. They can wear tiny strips of material over the body parts they're legally obliged to keep private, and look like the most confident, comfortable person at the beach. But here's the problem:
This trend suits literally four people.
And this is why:
For most people (me... my sample size is me) the outer edge of the thigh, just below the hips, is one of those body parts that has its own rules. It doesn't know what it is, it doesn't really even have a name, and it can't decide if it's part of your butt or part of your thighs. Mine has a random dent, which refuses to go away despite my valiant attempts to do precisely nothing about it, and it most definitely does not want to be shown to the general public. Now it's very nervous about the prospect of being exposed and it has a personal beef with Kim Kardashian.
Then there's the complete and utter denial that pubic hair is/has ever been a thing.
Where are the stray pubes? The ingrown hairs? The weird post-wax rash or itchy bumps or STRAIGHT UP LABIA.
It doesn't exist in these bikinis, because women are apparently Barbies who have hairless, inoffensive mounds.
Speaking of Barbies, floss bikinis also seem to ignore the gravitational reality of breasts. When left to their own devices, my boobs protrude. Aggressively. The surface area they manage to take up is genuinely impressive. They're under my arms, they're up near my neck, they're drooping down and they're popping out.
As a general rule, wherever I want my boobs to be, they'll find a way to migrate... elsewhere.
So the suggestion that boobs will stay put with nothing but two tiny pieces of fabric to contain them is a lie.
For mere mortals, floss bikinis are the stuff of nightmares, because they fundamentally ignore the awkwardness of the human body.
And I've been here before.
It's the exact type of trend that will haunt me just enough to think, 'hey, you know, if it looks so good on people on Instagram, maybe it's worth trying one on,' only to go into a change room, put the bikini on, see my reflection, and... oh.
The floss bikini trend is a conspiracy, and I for one will not be fooled.
