From pants splitting, to doing “The Wiggle” every single time you get dressed.
1. You’ve split your pants. Many times over.
“This one time, at band camp…” is NOT applicable here. If you’re the owner of a big booty, pant-splitting isn’t a one off. Pant-splitting is a regular occurrence and something you live in constant fear of.
This may sound really funny. Like something out of Monty Python… Except when it is happening to you in public, at work or when you’ve just forked out hundreds for a fancy new skirt? The whole humour element disappears fast when you’re the one in the exposed undies.
2. Getting into your jeans each day involves a truly elaborate ‘wiggle’.
3. You arse slam people accidentally when you squeeze through the gaps between restaurant tables.
You suck in your stomach every time, like that would actually make a difference. But the truth is, it’s what you’re carrying in the back that is going to bump and spill those expensive glasses of wine all over white linen tablecloths.
Same goes for sitting next to someone on the bus, on a plane; they are for-sure about to get bum grazed. You might even get bruises on your hips and butts from mis-judging the space around you. The result? Strangers being in accidental contact with your booty is a total non-event.
4. You are expected to know how to shake it on the dance floor.
5. Wearing a bikini involves buying a bottom half, two sizes bigger than the top.
Size 16 bottoms and size 10 tops makes perfectly logical sense. And when your heart is set on the bikini swimsuit brand that doesn’t sell separates? You have no choice but to buy two identical suits in different sizes: Money. In. The. Fire.
6. Pants fit you on the thighs but not around the waist.
You have to buy a size up in pants but then they gape at your waist. Just like the gaping hole in your heart. Oh, and forget about the skinny leg fit, you’re never getting those things above your upper thigh.
7. You get more wedgies than the average bullied school kid.
Thought only people under the age of 10 get wedgies? NOPE. It’s a thing. Still.
8. Tights and leggings are nearly always see-through because of the extra stretch.
9. You feel that ‘I like big butts and I can not lie’ song is about you.
“I mean, her butt, is just so big. I can’t believe it’s just so round, it’s like, out there…” Granted, the Sir Mixalot tune is a classic. But it also hits a little too close to home.
