'Sorry to all booth lovers': An extremely controversial ranking of the best and worst places to sit at restaurants.

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I need to be honest with you. When I go out for dinner, the quality of the food is probably only my third most important consideration. First is the company, obviously. Second (and this is non-negotiable), is the seating arrangement.

Yes, I am that person. The one who walks into a restaurant, scans the room like Arnold in The Terminator, and immediately starts a silent but vicious internal monologue about where I'm being lead.

A bad seat can ruin a good meal. A good seat can make a mediocre meal feel like a Michelin-star experience. It's a science, and after years of extensive, deeply personal research (read: many awkward dinners), I've created the definitive, and yes, extremely controversial, ranking of restaurant seating.

Prepare to be outraged.

High stools away from the bar.

Alexa, play 'The Hunchback of Notre Dame' soundtrack. Image: Canva.

Let's start at the absolute bottom of the barrel with the seat that was invented by Satan itself. Honestly, I can't get on and when I get on I inevitably fall off. It's a whole ordeal. But even if, by some miracle, I channel my inner jockey and successfully mount the thing, a whole new crisis emerges: I also don't know what to do with my legs.

Do I like… swing them? Like I'm a child? Or do I awkwardly search for a height-appropriate ledge to place them on, while accidentally kicking people in the shin looking for it? The stress is simply not worth the salmon sashimi.

Oh and one more thing… don't even get me started on the stools with no back rest. My. Back. Is. In. Pain. I'm hunching over so badly that my tits are now resting on my plate like they're my steak's fearless protectors. I don't feel cute and I look even worse.

Standing at a cocktail table.

Alexa, play 'I'm Still Standing' by Elton John. Image: Canva.

Is this a joke? Am I being punished for something I did in a past life? If I wanted to stand while eating, I would have stayed home and hovered over my kitchen sink. If a restaurant offers me one of these, my only response is: give me a seat PLEASE. I promise you I don't need to digest my food THAT fast. It's a hard no.

Watch: Signs to use when you're out at drinks. Post continues below.

High stools at the bar.

Alexa, play 'Spinning Around' by Kylie Minogue. Image: Canva.

Okay, this is a slight improvement because there's something to look at. But that's where the benefits end. My first questions are always: where do I put my bag and my coat? Also… why am I suddenly spinning around? What the hell? Now I'm facing the rest of the restaurant like I'm about to give a performance. Let me be clear: my thigh muscles aren't strong enough to both keep a conversation going while also stopping my chair from spinning. It's too much pressure.

You know the people working the bar feel sorry for you and are trying to make conversation while also preparing a meal. To top it all off, I now see a friend from across the room and I wave to her… only to knock down my glass of wine which has landed on the stranger's lap to my left because there's literally two inches of real estate up here.

It's a social nightmare.

In a booth seat.

Alexa, play 'Chandelier' by Sia. Image: Canva.

This is where I might lose some of you. You think it's the best seat in the house. You only remember that it is in fact hell on earth when you realise that you've 1. been sitting awkwardly on your tailbone all night and 2. have to go to the bathroom. Suddenly, the cosy nook becomes a velvet prison.

The awfully awkward shuffle/slide thing you have to do while also looking elegant is not fun. Let alone if the booth seat is leather, and you have to rip your thighs away from it with a sound that shatters the beautiful chandeliers in the restaurant.

As a matter of fact, those chandeliers would've been a much better option than that booth seat you're slowly moulding into (someone call Sia).

On a lounge seat.

Alexa, play 'Thinking Out Loud' by Ed Sheeran. Image: Canva

This is a very good and rare option. It's a sign of a sophisticated establishment. Your food, however, will be on your lap. It's a universal truth. We haven't nailed the lounge-to-table ratio yet, but I believe we will get there if we work together as a nation.

There is one other side effect: you don't realise how old you're getting unless you pull yourself up from one of these and make a noise that you've never made before but definitely have heard, usually from your grandfather.

It's a humbling, bone-creaking experience.

A sturdy chair facing the booth.

Alexa, play 'We Are The Champions' by Queen. Image: Canva.

Yes. The very best and safest option. The pinnacle of dining comfort and practicality. You can come and go with ease, your feet touch the ground, and you have dominion over your own personal space.

But the greatest advantage of all? You have the opportunity to face the booth and make fun of your date by sliding in and out of the seat.

It's dinner and a show. The perfect experience.

What's your favourite seat at a restaurant? Tell us in the comments.

If you want more from Emily Vernem, you can follow her on Instagram @emilyvernem.

Image: Canva.