The symptomatic sting of a breakup is truly horrific.
The heart-wrenching loss of that connection. Painstakingly running through what went wrong. The panic of bumping into them again. Scrolling through old messages sent to each other. Questioning if you were to blame. Fury over what they did. Detaching from the deeply ingrained habit of talking every day. Feeling unloved. Feeling lost. Feeling alone.
But these side-effects of a breakup don't just apply to romantic relationships. They're found in the weeds of a friendship fall out too. And are felt to a heart-cracking degree when that fallout happens with your best friend.
It's a trope we've seen played out on screen recently – with the central 'unromantic arc' of Everything I Know About Love surrounding two best friends, Maggie and Birdie, and the unravelling of their decade-long friendship.
There are flashback montages, heated fights in their kitchen and a post-breakup scene involving one side crying in the other's empty bedroom. The last audibly amped up by the heartbreaking vocals of Laura Marling. It was the friendship equivalent of that Emma Thompson necklace scene in Love Actually – and, frankly; it stung more.
Image: Stan.
Perhaps that's because there's a unique pain associated with the ending of a friendship.
It's arguably an equal (if not, greater) loss of a romantic love, but it's one that often isn't given the respect it deserves, nor the space and time to recover.
To find out the ramifications of a friendship breakup, we spoke to 22 women about their own experience with it – and asked them what they wish they could say to their ex-bestie now, if their paths were to cross again.
Here's what they had to say.
How long had you been friends before the breakup?
We've been best friends since we were in fourth grade – seven years in total. We were inseparable!
We would always get matching outfits, accessories, everything we can think of. We know each other's deepest and darkest secrets – we even took showers together. She's the only friend my mum trusted and vice versa. Whenever I feel like everything's about to fall apart, I would always call her and she'd be coming right up with a pint of ice cream for us to share. Even our goals were matching! She wanted to be a pilot while I used to pursue being a flight attendant, we would plan our whole future together – including getting pregnant at the same time. She was my everything and my only friend and I really have no issues with having one brilliant friend. It was almost perfect.
Who ended things?
I did. Though she was so fun to be with and I felt seen by her, there's also a bad side of her in which she would always lie to save herself – even if I went down because of it. She lied to me many times, she stabbed me in back a lot too when we were in high school just for the sake of her own image. I would always forgive her but everything went down when she became a pathological liar. It sickened me because she put me at risk just for other people to like her. And that's when I ended it.
How did you feel about the breakup?
Relief. I felt like I was in a fake relationship for too long.
Have you spoken since?
We've spoken a lot of times after the breakup but it was no longer like before, there was already a space between us. She would still reach out to me but I no longer want to be involved with her. No hate though, I just don't care anymore.
What do you wish you could say to them now?
I wish you all the best! This may come off harsh but I feel like your endless lies and stabbing me in the back (and me being so forgiving) is a sign that we really shouldn't have been best friends in the first place.
How long had you been friends before the breakup?
We were a group of four and had been best friends from 12 to 16 (so short-lived, but when we ended, my whole world came crashing down). We were all basically inseparable for the first few years. We had the same humour, we bounced off of each other and our experiences with life were so different but we loved discussing all of it (for example, I was Islander while they were all a mix of Italian, Lebanese and Danish).
It was the perfect definition of a 'girl squad'. Everyone knew we were obsessed with each other.
Who ended things?
It was genuinely so sad. One of the friends in our group started missing a lot of school (she had a lot of personal things going on) and the other friends couldn't understand why she wouldn't speak to us about it. I made it clear it was none of our business, but eventually it all got back to the friend that her own best friends were speaking badly about her. She came to school the next day after coaxing from me and scream-cried at them. She was so heartbroken. They'd all been friends for even longer than me (about 10-12 years) and it ruined everything. Their families all cut each other off. My friend ended up dropping out of school. I stayed friends with the gossiping girls, but it was never the same and we quickly went our separate ways after high school ended. I was glad to be rid of them.
How did you feel about the breakup?
It was soul-destroying. When you're a kid, your friends are your lifeline. It feels so silly in retrospect but I refuse to make myself feel bad for loving my girlfriends so much. We were seriously bonded. It was all really tough.
Have you spoken since?
I have spoken and seen all of them since. I am best friends with the girl who dropped out still and just send random 'hope you're well' messages to the other two.
What do you wish you could say to them now?
I wish I was a bit braver and told the girls who hurt our friend that they were selfish and inconsiderate to make her feel so low. But I know for a fact they have never had mental health problems or understood them, so if I ever see them again, I will just do the 'smile and wave boys, smile and wave'.
How long had you been friends before the breakup?
We became friends in Year 7! We were friends all through high school but then we went to university together and did the same degree, so that's when our status moved from friends to BFFs.
Who ended things?
She ended things unintentionally. She met a boy who we talked about constantly and she spoke so poorly of him and how he made her feel, to the point where I questioned her commitment to him. She didn't like that so in the end, she chose him and dumped me.
How did you feel about the breakup?
Literally devastated. I cried for so long and felt so lonely and angry at her because she couldn't see what I could.
Have you spoken since?
We have. Just super relaxed "how are you goings", and absolutely nothing about our feelings.
What do you wish you could say to them now?
I wish I could tell her how hurtful it was to have somebody stomp all over my genuine care for them.
How long had you been friends before the breakup?
18 years of family friendship, but we became best friends in the last eight years of that.
Who ended things?
She did. I didn’t invite her sister to my wedding. She was invited to the ceremony – as were other family friends' siblings but not the reception because $$ and space. She was my maid of honour and told me she wouldn’t come to my hens (which she had helped plan), but would still be my maid of honour on the day. When I told her I wasn’t okay with that arrangement she said she was upset that I was ending our lifelong friendship.
How did you feel about the breakup?
I was devastated that it was ending over something so trivial. I was also upset with the way she went around it. It all happened over text while I was running a camp with limited reception – a fact she knew. It was also done at the time of my parents' turbulent marriage falling apart and three months before my own wedding.
Have you spoken since?
Not a word. I planned on reaching out and then decided that I had nothing to apologise for. I realised that her sister attending my wedding was more important to her than our lifelong friendship.
What do you wish you could say to them now?
Just that I am really sad we haven’t been able to celebrate life’s big, happy and sad moments together over something so small. And that I wish she thought through the impacts that her choice would have years down the track.
How long had you been friends before the breakup?
We were couple BFFs for seven years. Justine and Rob baptised our daughter, our husbands became very good friends, we planned to get pregnant together and go on family holidays. My children would call them Aunty and Uncle and vice versa. We spent literally every weekend together.
Who ended things?
Justine left her husband for a man she worked with. In hindsight, they'd been having an emotional affair for a long time.
How did you feel about the breakup?
I grieved the loss of this relationship more than I grieved the loss of my grandparents. Heartbroken doesn't even begin to cover it.
Have you spoken since?
We saw each other at a mutual friend's wedding; she ended up marrying and having children with the new guy.
What do you wish you could say to them now?
I think if we had just communicated more we'd still be really great friends. I wish I could go back in time with this newfound emotional maturity and self-awareness and do things differently. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel judged, I think it takes great courage to turn your life upside down in the pursuit of love.
How long had you been friends before the breakup?
Nine years – we met at work and became besties very quickly. We were both from the UK and she was 10 years younger than me, but we had the same sense of humour and I grew to love her as a sister. I was a bridesmaid at her wedding and my girls were her flower girls. Her mum was like a nana to my kids, we were very close and remained so even when she returned to the UK for a year or so.
Who ended things?
She returned to her abusive partner. I felt frustrated that she chose to go back to him as he was still abusive. I struggled to offer support while she was there and I believe he has made it difficult for her to reach out to me. We text every now and then, but it gets longer and longer between texts and plans to catch up are always cancelled by her last minute.
How did you feel about the breakup?
Devastated. My kids ask for her and I miss the laughs, the Facebook tags and the little daily check-ins.
Have you spoken since?
Very sparingly… it’s probably been four months now since our last text and I feel it’s just gone too far now. It’s awkward and sad.
What do you wish you could say to them now?
That I cherish all the memories we had and despite her choice of husband, I will always be here for her.
How long had you been friends before the breakup?
Over 25 years, since we were about four years old.
Who ended things?
I did, after someone sent me screenshots of her tweeting lies about me. I went to check, and she had blocked me on her Twitter but it was a public account so I could still see when I wasn't logged in. She had been pulling away, and I felt like I couldn’t ever say the right thing for a while, but this was so far past what I would accept from a friend. I ended things a couple of months before she was meant to be my bridesmaid.
How did you feel about the breakup?
Horrible at first, we were in contact every day for over a decade. But then, relief.
Have you spoken since?
No, she’s dead to me.
What do you wish you could say to them now?
Nothing, I’m much better off without her.
How long had you been friends before the breakup?
About 10 years. We were pregnant with our first and second babies together and had important roles in each other’s weddings. We were close.
Who ended things?
She did. I invited her to my second child’s baptism, and she never responded. I sent multiple messages with no response. I wanted to give her daughter her birthday present so was also trying to catch up but she wouldn’t even respond to that so I dropped the present at her front door. She finally sent a text after that ending the friendship. She’d tried to ghost me and it hurt a lot.
How did you feel about the breakup?
Devastated. Two years on and it still really hurts.
Have you spoken since?
No, we haven’t. The one time I saw her in person we were at a party but I’d just had my third baby and was feeling very vulnerable. I didn’t engage.
What do you wish you could say to them now?
You really hurt me and I don’t want to ever really see you again.
How long had you been friends before the breakup?
11 years. We did everything together. Spent every minute together. When I look back on it, it was very co-dependent.
Who ended things?
I would say she did, she would say I did.
How did you feel about the breakup?
Devastated. My heart ached more than any romantic breakup I’ve had. It was made worse by the fact that I watched her get closer to others as I vacated her best friend spot.
Have you spoken since?
We have. We even met up to talk about what happened but we couldn’t really figure out where it went wrong. Which was even more heartbreaking!
What do you wish you could say to them now?
I’m sorry.
How long had you been friends before the breakup?
10 years.
Who ended things?
My friend stopped replying to messages. She was dating a guy who didn’t like me. Also, she has a problem with alcohol and I refused to go drinking with her anymore… so she stopped wanting to hang out with me.
How did you feel about the breakup?
I was sad, but I kind of thought it was inevitable.
Have you spoken since?
We speak every few months. We are not as close, but when we catch up, it’s like no time has passed – which is a bit weird!
How long had you been friends before the breakup?
10 years. We were always closer when she was single and needed me, other times it was a more low maintenance friendship, as we wouldn't see each other very often.
Who ended things?
I was pregnant, and had booked in for a termination but had to wait (love a regional health system). I had a getaway booked with a large group of friends, and my ex was going to be there.
Our entire friendship I had always been her support, and I had never asked for the same back… because honestly I hadn’t needed it. Every up, every down, every 3am phone call – I was there.
No one else knew about my situation, so I asked my friend to come with me to the getaway to enjoy her time obviously, but also to hold my hand as I stood on shaky, unfamiliar ground – navigating the most challenging part of my life so far.
The minute we arrived she began flirting with my ex and completely ignored me. I felt unwell and asked if we could find a quiet place to talk. Ignored again. Maybe I'm overreacting, I told myself. I was very hormonal and feeling very sick, (hello morning sickness, and severe anxiety from a pregnancy I didn't want). That night, she chose to sleep in his bed, not mine... and I heard them flirting late into the night.
A few days later I told her she had hurt me. She was upset at me for assuming things about her and my ex. I felt I was at least owed an apology – but it was never given.
The one time I needed her, she wasn’t there.
Over the next few months, I made the gut-wrenching decision to cut off our friendship. She had just gone through another breakup and I was expected to pick up the pieces, but this time I put my foot down. I told her I couldn’t give to a friendship that only felt like she was taking from.
How did you feel about the breakup?
I felt guilty – like I was letting her down – but also relieved. Years later I still feel bad, but I know it was the right decision.
Have you spoken since?
We have run into each other at a bar, and have had the "we should get dinner sometime" chat. It created distance between me and our old group of friends, but I felt like she needed good people around her more than I did.
What do you wish you could say to them now?
I hope you're doing well and are as happy as you look from the outside. I hope you've found the person you longed for, and I hope you have a friend who is there for you the way that I could have been.
How long had you been friends before the breakup?
We’d been very best friends for 10 years.
Who ended things?
I had two best friends, and they became best friends, and started excluding me from things.
How did you feel about the breakup?
I was heartbroken.
Have you spoken since?
One of them reached out when my dad got sick (two years later), but I fobbed her off. When she reached out again after another 18 months (when my dad didn’t have much time left), I let her back into my life – but promised that I’d never let myself get as close to her again.
What do you wish you could say to them now?
I failed in my promise, and nine years later, she’s my absolute ride or die! We’ve both admitted how much we missed each other, and our friendship is stronger than ever. I’d be lost without her.
How long had you been friends before the breakup?
Two years. We met on Bumble BFF and instantly clicked. We spoke all the time and were the best of friends in every way.
Who ended things?
One day she text me saying that she needed a “break” and I never heard from her again.
How did you feel about the breakup?
Absolutely devastated.
Have you spoken since?
I tried texting her a few times over the next three months but was met with no reply. I could see she was still watching my stories on Instagram, so I blocked her on every social media platform.
What do you wish you could say to them now?
That you really hurt me. I have spent years wondering what I did wrong. I wish you were just honest with me.
How long had you been friends before the breakup?
We were friends since we were 17, introduced by our boyfriends at the time. We lasted longer than the men and then were diagnosed with the same medical condition in our twenties. We were passionate about health and travelled together to Europe. When our babies were born weeks apart I became godmother to her baby.
Who ended things?
Prior to COVID my friend became an anti-vaxxer and stopped taking her prescribed medication for her illness. I was worried, but I supported her until she wouldn’t hold my second child as a baby as she was worried that as he’d been vaccinated he would be shedding onto her. She also told me my breastmilk was the same as coconut water. It just seemed like I was losing my smart friend and I was so upset that she wouldn’t hold my new baby. Then when she stopped vaccinating her four-year-old I had to make the difficult decision not to do playdates anymore as I couldn’t risk the health consequences for my younger child who had not had all his vaccinations as yet (due to his young age).
How did you feel about the breakup?
It was devastating. We had gone through so much together, a serious health diagnosis, the breakups of our first relationships, we shared family and travel memories, but it was as if we were on different planets and I couldn’t connect with her lack of regard for science and evidence-based research. It wasn’t just about differing views, it impacted every lifestyle decision.
Have you spoken since?
We have sent each other the occasional message to say we miss each other, but friends have continued to update me on her views (published via social media) encouraging conspiracy theories about the COVID vaccine and I just can’t go there.
What do you wish you could say to them now?
We miss you, we love you, we hope you stay safe and keep your daughter safe from preventable diseases.
How long had you been friends before the breakup?
We were best friends for almost 20 years, by each other’s sides daily since the first hour of high school until one day it all changed. We holidayed with each other’s families, spent Christmas and Easter together, went for dinners every week, often even did boring chores like groceries and Bunnings trips together – you get the picture, inseparable.
Who ended things?
She ended things. She had a bad history with relationships, and the “latest” one had multiple red flags that other friends had pointed out too after only a week or two of them dating. Me, being the bestie, was the one who had to communicate our concerns. I tried to be as supportive as possible of him possibly being different from what we all thought we saw, but the moment I said anything veering from her narrative, she shut down. She ended up breaking up with me for being unsupportive and obstructive, and for trying to ruin her happiness when all I (we) wanted was to look out for her. For the record, she hasn’t spoken to any of her friends since.
How did you feel about the breakup?
Devastated. My friend, who was like a sister, chose a guy she had known for five minutes over everyone else. Friends care about their friends, but to her anyone’s interest in her well-being was construed as mistrust in her choice of partner. I miss being able to text her about stupid things that happen in the day. I miss having a shoulder to cry on. But mostly I’m sad she chose one person over many. I don’t even think she has any friends anymore – every one of her friends I know has been pushed out, even the acquaintances. She chose one person over the friendships of many.
Have you spoken since?
She texted me on my birthday last year. The text came across as if nothing had passed between us. The most saccharine and elaborate wishes, sending me nothing but love and happiness. From someone I hadn’t heard from in any capacity in almost a year, it felt jarring and disingenuous.
What do you wish you could say to them now?
What made you pick him over us? 20 years vs two weeks is significant. What could we have said or done differently to make you feel safe to still keep us in your life? Are you happy, or do you have any regrets? Would you choose the same path again? Would you want to reconnect outside of milestones such as birthdays? How could I trust you wouldn't pivot again? That’s just the start of the questions.
How long had you been friends before the breakup?
Seven years. School mums, camping and Bali holidays. Kids were best friends and had regular sleepovers, played sport in the same team. Coffee dates, dinners out with partners. Endless conversation about life, kids and to be honest, a bit of bitching about others.
Who ended things?
They did. I found out after they didn’t wish me a happy birthday and realised they unfriended me on Facebook. I messaged them asking what was going on and apologised for anything I had done and one girl replied “the friendship has run its course”. The other girl said nothing.
How did you feel about the breakup?
Devastated, worthless, unloved. What was wrong with me? Cried and cried, couldn’t function.
Have you spoken since?
No.
What do you wish you could say to them now?
What you did was spineless and cruel. You ruined me.
How long had you been friends before the breakup?
10 years.
Who ended things?
I ended things when I had a baby, and she was still single.
How did you feel about the breakup?
Sad.
Have you spoken since?
Yes, but we didn’t really talk about it and we've only seen each other once in the last decade.
What do you wish you could say to them now?
I’m sorry for deserting you. I was confused and scared and not equipped to be anything to you. I wish I could go back and not make that mistake. I wish you would let me back into your life.
How long had you been friends before the breakup?
We were best friends all throughout our high school years.
Who ended things?
It was a slow ghosting. She moved away, met new friends, and our relationship slowly deteriorated. She wanted this new fancy, “better than everyone” relationship with her fancy new friends and not for a second did she think about who she had left behind in her old hometown.
How did you feel about the breakup?
I have never replaced her with a new best friend. I have always felt like something has been missing. I still mourn our friendship but she was a serial people pleaser, and that makes me question how much she ever really valued our friendship after she so easily gave it away after high school. Was it all a show to fit this persona she had created in her mind?
Have you spoken since?
Very minimal other than a simple 'congratulations' to each other on both our engagement and marriages. We are both now married, and it was unusual to watch someone who you used to be so close with, celebrate a big day that you used to talk about at school without each other. But, of course, not one person was invited from high school.
What do you wish you could say to them now?
I would say that it’s sad how she wanted this new fancy life, that she could just so easily toss away everyone from high school. I think she lives a very superficial life always wanting to look really good and fancy from the outside.
How long had you been friends before the breakup?
For 15 years he would drop in or call every Saturday for a coffee with me. I wanted him to be my bridesmaid, and he was prepared to wear a dress, but we chickened out and he was a groomsman instead. He was protective, like a big brother that I never had. He was the first man that did not treat me like an object, he treated me like a person. He confided in me and spoke about his feelings.
Who ended things?
He ended it. Well, his wife did. She said I was the only female she trusted with him, but that wasn’t true.
She made me a few drinks one night but tripled my vodka dose without telling me. Obviously, that left me very drunk and apparently I said I loved him – but I know that I would have meant it as a friend. I remember telling them I was so happy the day that he met her because I could see he had found his person. I was sent home in a taxi barely able to talk and fell over in the driveway of my home. I had a massive bruise on my upper thigh.
The next week they came over and they asked to see my bruise so I showed them. Apparently, I was 'showing him my red undies', and it all fell apart from there. She tried to cancel me to all of my friends, even my sister, for weeks until I was told by my best friend the things she was saying. I confronted her very diplomatically, and she responded calling me a psycho sl*t who wanted her husband. He stuck by her and he still does 15 years later. He ignores me every time we are in the same room as we still have mutual friends.
How did you feel about the breakup?
I lost my brother, my best male friend. I still think about how I want to tell him things and how much he would love my new partner. I felt protected by him. I miss our chats. I wanted him in my kids' lives.
Have you spoken since?
I sent him happy birthday texts every year but then he introduced himself to my partner while turning his back to me at a party. It was humiliating. So I sent him a text telling him it was awful behaviour and if he refused to acknowledge me, then he doesn’t get to know my partner. I told him I have always loved him and probably always will, but all hope has now gone for any friendship of any kind in the future because he has hurt me too much. So I was letting it go. Then I said 'Goodbye'.
What do you wish you could say to them now?
I don’t think I can say much. He stuck by his wife and still does, and I love that he does that for her. He has no female friends anymore because of her jealousy and I feel sorry for her to live that way but despise her at the same time. I would probably just say I miss him and if he ever needs me, I will be here.
How long had you been friends before the breakup?
12 years of super close friendship. We had significant roles in each other’s weddings.
Who ended things?
She ended it when she pursued and slept with my husband.
How did you feel about the breakup?
Devastated. Not only did my marriage fall apart, but I didn’t have my best friend there to support me through that.
Have you spoken since?
Never spoken again. I see her around and I love seeing her cringe when she sees me.
What do you wish you could say to them now?
I hope you realise what a profound impact your actions had on my life. It changed the course of my life and my children's lives forever. I loved and trusted you, but it appears you were only ever interested in your own happiness and not mine. My husband and I worked through it and are so much stronger as a result. And you ended up with nothing. We had a third child after the affair and she is the greatest blessing ever. I am so grateful that through the healing process I now have the most precious little girl.
How long had you been friends before the breakup?
12 years. We were the type of friends who did everything together. We’d had a couple of big fights and always came through them stronger. We’d hang out at each other's houses watching Disney movies or Grey’s Anatomy, or read books together in bed, or have countless games of Rummy over a couple of bottles of wine. We would be sitting at home on a Friday or Saturday with no plans then suddenly be out having beers with no warning. She was the type of best friend that would do anything for you if she could, and she did for me so many times. Once, I got a cotton tip stick in my ear and I couldn’t get it out. It was about 9pm but still I called her, and then drove 30 minutes to her house just so she could get the tip out with tweezers.
Who ended things?
We both did.
She needed a friend after a hard evening shift. I’d just finished night shift and was wrecked and cancelled on her without knowing she needed a full meltdown-while-I-held-her, as I thought she was just asking for a casual hangout. Then she was cold for months.
Eventually, I was leaving town, so after a few pleasant-ish catch ups I told her and also updated her on my pregnancy termination that she wasn’t there for and a bunch of other things. She was mad at herself for not being there for me.
We parted ways okay, but things still felt really stiff and unnatural. I felt like she had moved on to be closer with other friends.
I announced my engagement on Facebook a month later, and that’s how she found out. She’d honestly done such a good job distancing herself from me, I didn’t even think to tell her first. She sent me a nasty message saying how mad she was at me and that she “didn’t even get to go to my abortion”. I was shell-shocked and couldn’t reply for six months. Then we had it out over text and a lot of miscommunication on her part came out as the reason for our breakdown. I told her I needed space, then after six months reached out again. She said she needed space but in a more final way.
How did you feel about the breakup?
It hurt more than any romantic breakup ever did. I was angry at her and myself. I spent months mourning our friendship. I think I still am, to a degree.
Have you spoken since?
I congratulated her on her wedding recently despite the fact that we haven’t spoken in 18 months. She saw the message and ignored it. I still check up on her social media to make sure she’s doing okay. I hope she’s happy in her life and she achieves everything she wants to.
What do you wish you could say to them now?
I miss you more than anything else in the world. My heart cracks any time I think of you even now. I wish I could go back to that night and suck up my exhaustion and be there for you so this never would have happened, and you’d still be my best friend.
Feature Image: Stan + Mamamia.
