9 life moments when you really need a self destruct button.

By BERN MORLEY

I’d like today, to talk about a situation we’ve all found ourselves in at one time or another. Probably more than once and if you are anything like me. I’m talking about the moment when you wish you had a self-destruct button. Or a smoke bomb that you could expertly drop to the ground and disappear into.

For example when you:

1. Wave at someone you think you know but you actually don’t.

I recently did this at my daughter’s school. I was dropping her off and thought I recognised one of her friends walking by in a group of girls so I slowed the car down, beeped the horn, manically waved and made a funny face that involved buck teeth and crossed eyes. Turns out these weren’t my daughter’s friends at all and now they were a) wondering who the crazy lady in the black Jazz was and b) possibly going to ostracise my daughter for the rest of her young adult life

2. Accidentally like a picture on Facebook.

There you are casually facestalking someone you have no business looking up,  checking out their pictures from 6 years ago and for some inexplicable reason your pointer finger spasms and you hit the ‘Like’ button. Oh fuck . Oh fuck.  Oh fuck.  Unlike, Unlike, Unlike. It’s all too late. They know you’ve been you checking them out. Delete your account or flee the city. You choose.

3. Expel rogue saliva. 

We’ve all been there. Having a perfectly friendly conversation with a work colleague/acquaintance/tram conductor and suddenly a tiny parcel of your own saliva becomes a heat seeking missile programmed to land directly upon your companion’s cheekbone. Of course neither he nor you acknowledge this. Which just makes it all the more awkward.

4. Answer someone who is talking on their Handsfree

When someone is looking directly at you as they walk towards you, smiling and then they appear to talk to you, of COURSE you answer them. Except they aren’t talking to you, they’re actually on their Bluetooth. Mortal embarrassment ensues. Actually, scratch that, these wankers are on a Bluetooth, they should be the ones that the earth swallows up.

5. Your card is declined

I have pretty much taken to self-service checkouts due to these swallow me whole incidences. There you are, five deep in the suburban shit of a mega mart, paying for your groceries and your card is declined. Suddenly you remember the car repayment is coming out today and you have approximately $2.34 left in your bank account. That’s when you abandon the trolley full of frozen goods, promise to return and never do.

6. You pull on a door that says Push or vice versa

The laws of the universe make it almost guaranteed that there is some smartarse behind you to witness this and make some comment about your inability to read. You of course just nod and grin like the fool you have been made to feel.

7. You ask someone in a store for a clothing item in a different size. Then realise they don’t actually work there

You walk around looking for someone, anyone to just help you and suddenly you spot them looking all funky an overexcited over by the accessories. That’s when you ask them if they’ve got some out the back in your size “Huh?I don’t work here”.  Kill. Me.

8. Text the wrong person

 9. Get pawned by Autocorrect

When have you found yourself in a situation when you wish the world would just open up and swallow you whole? Go on…. tell us.