I’m crying.
Let me explain.
This story begins with two rather fundamental misconceptions about women.
The first is that women's genital area - also known as the vulva - is actually just a mound, much like one you'd see on a Barbie doll.
The second is that the female population (ladies, if you will) are modest, tasteful and restrained.
A simple photo, shared by online clothing store Beginning Boutique, has shown both these assumptions to be entirely false.
You see, the online brand has been sharing photos of its swimwear on Facebook and Instagram, ostensibly in an attempt to sell it and make the monies, etc. But thousands of comments later, the photos have become known for something... else.
A post shared by Beginning Boutique (@beginningboutique) on
POOL SESH ???? @olivia.mathers looks UNREAL in the @9.0swim Cabana Bikini Bottoms Matte Nude $49.95!
A post shared by Beginning Boutique (@beginningboutique) on
Women have gone rogue, because a) their brains cannot comprehend how their vaginas/vulvas/pubic regions are meant to fit in these bikini bottoms, and b) women, in general, are far more vulgar than anyone has ever given them credit for.
On Facebook, the comments underneath an ad for Beginning Boutique's Haymen Bikini (must the name be so similar to hym... never mind) are as follows:
"I had a less intrusive smear test today."
"You’re going to need 2 of these love. One for the lefty and one for the righty."
"Hmm, nice clit hammock. Sell anything for women with vaginas?"
"I can't even sit like this in a normal bathing suit without my camel trying to stick its toe out and test the water."
"It's like Bird Box for your vagina."
"I feel like she has quickly shoved her vagina in and pulled them up like I have to with the towels to shut the laundry cupboard before it all quickly falls out."
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"If this woman has a small cameltoe wearing this I'd look like a panda sat on a tightrope."
"That looks like a Rolls Royce vagina, got anything to suit a Suzuki Swift?"
"Do you have any suitable for mums with vaginas that hang like the sleeve of a wizard?"
"Man my vagina would eat these up... if you're happy and you know it clap your flaps."
"Why in the honest f*ck are the tops covering so much when the bottoms barely cover her urethra?!"
"One fatal arse cheek move with a fart to follow would result in me blowing my flaps from either side and most likely wrapping them around that string in a cute bow tie."
"I remember an ex telling me that guys refer to girls with big labia as them “having a lot of cash hangin out the wallet”. I’m so fuckin rich compared this poor girl. SO. FUCKIN. WEALTHY."
You can see exactly what happened when I tried Beginning Boutique's bikini bottoms here:
"If I wore this it would be like a hedgehog trying to escape the floorboards."
"Ok so anyone know where I can buy a new vagina??? After seeing this I think mine might be broken."
Ladies, pls.
And then there's the memes. DEAR GOD THE MEMES.
It turns out Kath Day-Knight predicted this trend long ago.
And someone posted this gif which seems extreme. But also... necessary.
A number of Beginning Boutique's photos of their swimwear have gone viral, because the comments won't stop.
The women have spoken, and they have just two words for you about this new bikini trend:
Clit.
Hammock.
FIN.
For more from Clare Stephens, you can follow her on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.
