'That's not minimalism, it's a cry for help.' What your bedside table says about you.

Let me start by saying that your bedside table is basically a window into your soul. Hear me out: it's like a tiny museum of your personality quirks, daily habits, and questionable life choices. And as someone who's made plenty of those myself (whoops), I feel uniquely qualified to break this down for you.

If you keep a book on your bedside table.

You're either an intellectual who actually reads before bed (wow, brag much?), or more likely — you're a hopeful intellectual who bought that book three months ago and has been using it as a coaster ever since (guilty).

The thickness of the dust layer on top is directly proportional to how much you're lying to yourself about "getting back into reading".

However, whoever enters your room will see your fancy book and think you're really, really smart, which, let's be honest, is the number one priority here.

Watch: Horoscopes in the bedroom. Post continues below.

If you keep a water bottle on your bedside table.

Congratulations, you're either incredibly well-adjusted or you've been traumatised by those TikToks about how drinking water first thing in the morning will change your life. I promise you… it doesn't. It just makes you run to the bathroom at 3am for the rest of your life.

Bonus points if it's one of those overpriced, cult brands (you know the ones). We get it — you're basic (but hydrated).

If you keep your phone on your bedside table.

You're just like the rest of us — completely dependent on doom-scrolling to fall asleep. You probably tell yourself you only use it as an alarm, but we both know you're watching "just one more" TikTok until 2am. No judgment here — there's a reason my eyes are completely bloodshot every Monday morning.

If you keep your vibrator on your bedside table.

You're either living alone or in a very secure relationship. Either way, you're my kind of person — confident and ready for whatever the night (or morning?) might bring.

Just maybe tuck it away when your mum comes over for tea. Trust me.

If you keep a framed photo on your bedside table.

You're either genuinely sweet and romantic, or you're into some kinky stuff. Hey, no judgement here! In fact, I applaud your free spirit to just put that out there into the world.

If it's a photo of your dog, you're the best kind of person and we should be friends (can you tell that I have a photo of my dog on my bedside table?… Because I do).

If you keep your jewellery/watch on your bedside table.

If your bedside table looks like a Pandora store vomited on it, you're either incredibly organised or completely chaotic, and there's no middle ground. Those who carefully place their watch and rings in a designated dish? Psychopaths. Those with a tangled mess of necklaces? Cool and fun.

If you keep fancy hand creams VS questionable hand creams on your bedside table.

This one's a real tell. If you've got fancy hand cream (looking at you, Aesop), you're trying to convince yourself that you're a proper adult who has their life together. If it's a questionable tube you got from the chemist three years ago? You're real, authentic, and probably should check the expiry date.

If you keep wallet junk (coins, receipts etc) on your bedside table.

You tell yourself you're keeping these receipts for tax purposes, but let's be real — you haven't done your taxes in years (don't worry, I won't tell). The fact that you think you might need proof of purchase for that $7 sandwich from three months ago is concerning, but it's also extremely endearing.

If you keep snacks on your bedside table.

You're either incredibly smart or incredibly lazy, and possibly both. Those 3am hunger pangs aren't going to satisfy themselves. Just maybe check for crumbs the next time you chow down on that "emergency" Tim Tam from six months ago.

If you keep empty Coke (no sugar) cans on your bedside table.

Girl… Are you okay? You're either pulling all-nighters for work/study, or you're just living your best chaotic life. No notes.

If you keep your skincare on your bedside table.

You either can't be bothered standing in front of your bathroom mirror for a second longer, or you're genuinely committed to your routine.

The number of half-used serums directly correlates with how many times you've convinced yourself you need a complete skincare overhaul. Let's be honest though — we both know you're too tired to do more than slather on moisturiser most nights.

So, how do you know if you should be ashamed of your bedside table? Well… what do you do when someone unexpected comes over? Do you have to do the quick bedside table sweep of shame? You do, don't you? We've all been there, and if you say you haven't, you're lying.

And, if your bedside table is completely empty… who hurt you? That's not minimalism; it's a cry for help.

This is all coming from someone whose bedside table currently houses three half-empty water bottles, a phone with 268 unopened messages, and a book I swear I'm going to start reading this weekend (maybe).

If you want more from Emily Vernem, you can follow her on Instagram @emilyvernem.