'I lost my mum before I had kids. Here are the hard truths about becoming a mother without her.'

If there's one thing I've learned about grief over the years, it's this: it shapeshifts.

It follows you into new seasons of life and shows up in different ways as you navigate life without the person you miss.

So while I wasn't surprised that becoming a mother stirred up new emotions specific to not having my mum here, these are the moments and feelings that have stood out the most.

Image: Supplied.

1. You'll be asked about your mum more than you have been in a long time.

A new life chapter brings new people into your world. People who don't know 'your story'. Perhaps it's a friendly midwife making small talk, asking if your mum is excited to become a grandmother. Or maybe a new friend asking what family help you have.

There's a lovely freedom in these new connections not knowing all your history, but it means innocent questions sometimes catch me off guard. If, like me, it's been a while, you might feel rusty when it comes to explaining that your mum isn't here. And let's face it, nothing makes a light chat feel more awkward than mentioning death. I've learned to pick my moments — a complete stranger you'll never see again doesn't necessarily want or deserve your life story. Equally, though, there's a power in letting the right people in.

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2. You'll want to know things you never thought to ask.

Was I a colicky baby? Did I sleep well? Did I take to breastfeeding easily? When did I get my first tooth? When did I crawl?

Call it the selfishness of being in my early 20s when my mum died, but I never thought to ask her those types of questions. I watch my mother-in-law draw connections between my daughter's milestones and my husband's babyhood, but all those details for baby Nic went with my mum. Even more importantly though, now as a mother, I would love to know what those early days with me were like from her very unique perspective.

3. The grandparent gap is real.

This one isn't unique to motherless mothers. Estrangement, distance, age, work or even just inclination — there are plenty of reasons a grandparent might not be in the picture. But it's hard not to notice how different things look for those with solid, hands-on practical family support, most notably from the mother's mum. The haves and have-nots, if you will. And it's definitely hard not to compare. My mum had a beautiful maternal energy and I actually think 'grandmother' would have been her favourite role.

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4. The 'what-ifs' creep in.

This leads me to my next point. I'm edging closer towards having lived half my life without my mum, but it's this parenting season that has me thinking more than I have in a very long time about what it would be like if she was still here. The meals she would have dropped over. The cuddles she would have given my daughter while I showered. The cute outfits she would have knitted for her. The maternity leave café outings we would have enjoyed together. Indulge these thoughts for too long and they become painful. Block them out completely and I'm not being true to myself and the emotions that naturally arise. It's a delicate balance to strike.

Image: Supplied.

5. Your resilience muscles will get another workout.

A big personal loss changes you, in good ways and bad. I credit my mum's death with making me a far more resilient person than I ever would have been otherwise. It's a trait that has served me well over the years, but never more so on my journey to becoming a mother, and again once I became one. While there's no toxic positivity-ing your way out of not having your mum at the time when you need her most as an adult, there's a deep gratitude in the lessons she taught me even after her death that have helped me become the person — and mum — I am today.

Mothering without a mother isn't something many people talk about, but maybe it should be. If any of this resonates, I'm glad it found you. And if you're reading to understand the experience of others, thank you. There's a beautiful power in that too.

This article was originally published on Nic's Substack, The Mothering Project. Find more from Nic here and on Instagram at @themotheringproject_.

Feature Image: Supplied.

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