'I barely told anyone when I fell pregnant again after nine months. Not for the reason you think.'

It took us nearly two years to have our first baby, Leo. Now Leo is 14-months-old and I'm half-way into pregnancy number two. 

During my first pregnancy, I downloaded the apps, tracked what 'fruit size' Leo was and I made sure I read up on every symptom possible. I planned a baby shower, prioritised the gym, did at-home Pilates, got weekly massages, had regular acupuncture and anything else I could think of. 

This pregnancy has been the absolute opposite. I've been reflecting on why. The guilt. I've been riddled with the guilt of falling pregnant so easily and it's hampered me from celebrating.

Watch: A physiotherapist on exercising and pregnancy. Post continues below.

I was shocked to fall pregnant again so quickly and the worry of people's opinions literally stopped me in my tracks. I've barely taken any pictures of my bump. I haven't documented it (even though I said I wanted to do more this time) and pregnancy number two has not been embraced at all, in comparison to number one. 

Leo had just turned nine months. It was a Saturday afternoon and I felt exhausted. I put it down to the end of the year, the work events we had on and, you know, the overall exhaustion of Leo's first year.

My husband, however, had an inkling and suggested I take a pregnancy test. Certain there was no way, I did the test. Three short minutes later I realised I was in fact pregnant!

In absolute disbelief, I started googling my symptoms. Could it be that I was in fact just exhausted and the two double lines were wrong? I tested again... Pregnant.  And again, still pregnant.

Those double lines, I know all too well, for a long two years I didn't see them at all, or sometimes I did and then we would miscarry.

We went into Christmas celebrations and told our nearest and dearest who celebrated the news. We hit each milestone: the 12-week scan, the 18-week scan, and we've now entered the 'crunch' phase where our due date creeps closer and closer. 

The guilt of 'falling pregnant' so quickly when I know so many people struggling (and having been that person before) has rattled me…

How can I be this lucky? How can I do this? Will this put pressure on mine and Michael's relationship? What will happen to my business? How will Leo cope with a sibling so soon? What if I haven't given Leo everything he needs before baby two arrives? Is this just all too soon? The questions and constant self-talk hasn't stopped.

I thought by the time I had number two, I would have all the answers and be celebrating a new chapter. 

The first 20 weeks, I tried to 'hide' my pregnancy, until it became evident I couldn't. The truth is, I was still processing where I was at. For two years we couldn't fall pregnant and this time around it just… happened. 

I uploaded about baby two's soon-to-be arrival and, whilst met with support, deep down, the same feelings consume me and the main question: Is it too soon, how will I do it all? The majority who have been here before me offer words of wisdom or just "good luck it's hell". 

But amidst the guilt, there's gratitude. Gratitude for the lessons learned during the first pregnancy. Gratitude for resilience built through sleepless nights, endless diaper changes and for other families going through it.

Gratitude for the opportunity to experience the miracle of life once more. Sure, I wish I documented it more. Sure, there are things I'd look back on and do differently, but this is parenthood, and, huge respect to mums and dads (and mums and dads-to-be) everywhere experiencing these emotions. We have all the feelings and emotions; and most of the time we don't have the answers. 

Pregnancy is indeed a wild ride — a blend of anticipation, anxiety, joy, and uncertainty. Each is unique. And this second one has taught me that it's okay for experiences to differ. It's okay to feel a rollercoaster of emotions. And it's okay to embrace the chaos, knowing that love will multiply, not divide.

Feature Image: Supplied.