Hello.
Yes.
Here we are.
We’ve bloody made it.
We’ve sat through six weeks of Charlie pointin’ at the f*ckin’ door, Paddy saying “FIT”, Bill/David coming to terms with his transition from a white heterosexual male to a white heterosexual male, and Ivan being a shit Channing Tatum/not understanding the basic concept of an avocado. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
BUT WE BLOODY MADE IT.
We have no idea what's about to happen. Will Ali choose Taite because of his face... and also his body? Or will she choose Todd despite the fact he's not prepared to immediately become her full time sperm donor?
Will she chose them both and immediately lock them in her basement?
Will Ivan finally achieve his dance dreams?
Will Bill go back to being David?
Will Charlie try to sneak back through the f*ckin' door?
IDK IDK.
One thing is for sure - Ali will choose someone. She must. Osher has already been let down this year by a certain small member of the weasel family and he shan't be going through that again.
He's counted all the roses.
He's supplied all the helicopters.
He even made up all those silly games.
And now he needs his MOTHERFLIPPIN' HAPPY ENDING.
We open on approximately 52 minutes of flashbacks and WE SEEN'T IT.
WE WERE THERE. ESPECIALLY LAST NIGHT WHICH HAPPENED LESS THAN A DAY AGO.
WE'VE. SEEN. IT. ALL.
Anywho.
We're in the Northern Territory because Osher forked out heaps to fly a certain small member of the weasel family and his relatives to New Caledonia a few months ago and then he went and HONEY BADGERED it.
Osher will not do another overseas location, he can't and he shan't.
Ali's German dad is here and he's not wearing comically short shorts and carrying beer steins blindfolded and suddenly that whole challenge Osher devised seems... unnecessary. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Taite is the first one to meet German dad.
We unpack all the drama from Ali's last week as the Bachelorette on our Bach Chat podcast. Post continues after audio.
He seems immediately suspicious of Taite's face... and also his body. He's met many Taites before and it never ends well.
After asking Taite why he works in a bank/doesn't play football anymore/hasn't bought property, he asks him to go for a private chat.
He asks Taite why he hasn't told Ali how he feels and Taite explains he hasn't said anything because he doesn't... feel anything.
Cool.
German dad tries to warn Ali that Taite is possibly just here for the Instagram followers but Ali shan't be hearing it because of his face... and also his body.
Next, German dad meets Todd and Todd gets... lunch. It becomes immediately clear who the favourite is.
German dad takes Todd for a private chat and they do some maths. German dad says Todd is 26 and Ali is 32 and that's six years difference. Todd explains Ali wants to have children within the next 18 months but his timeline is more three years... and that's double.
After a fascinating lesson in maths, German dad tells Ali he's not quite sure who's going to give him grandchildren and she'll just have to follow her heart. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
PAUSE.
It's single date time and Ali is kissing a Todd.
They get into a helicopter because Osher is a man of routine and Todd says this is definitely in his top three dates. Which seems... inappropriate.
As punishment Ali makes him drink some green ant gin which seems like it would be bitey and also crawly.
They then swim in a spring and do a kiss under a waterfall and JESUS CHRIST OSHER, LET'S JUST WRAP THIS SHIT UP RIGHT NOW.
WE HAVE A GODDAMN WINNER.
THIS IS SOME NOTEBOOK LEVEL SHIT.
Todd says he only wants one thing and that's Ali and that he will always sacrifice for her. He says he sees her being the mother of his children.
ALI CALLS HIM HER KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR AND HE SAYS "THIS KNIGHT JUST WANTS TO GIVE YOU A FAIRYTALE ENDING" AND PLS THIS IS ALMOST TOO MUCH.
Sssssh.
It's Taite and his face... and also his body.
Ali and Taite get into a ridiculously tiny plane and then they get onto an airboat and there seems to be a lot of transportation in this episode.
Later they sit beside a pool and Taite finally decides to... speak.
He tells Ali he's scared of her timeline and that he can't commit to the concept of marriage and kids yet.
It's not that he doesn't want marriage and kids, but he can't give her 498595 kids by next Tuesday, which seems... reasonable.
He says he can't tell Ali he loves her because she wants so much more than that, but he wants her and he wants to be with her after this.
Ali does a cry because of his face... and also his body.
PAUSE.
It's time.
Ali is about to decide between two men who cannot give her 49595 babies by the first Thursday of next month.
WAIT... TODD HAS A RING.
HE. HAS. A. RING.
Osher has heard about the ring is he's very excited.
Ali tells Osher she's "so in love" and "it's a love that's going to be everlasting".
The first car pulls up.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
NO.
NO.
NO.
It's Todd.
He tells Osher he's head over heels in love and you can tell Osher wants to call the emergency helicopter to get him the f*ck out of there.
He walks down the path of rejection to meet Ali.
Ali tells him he's her knight in shining armor and her fairytale. But something's.... missing for her.
And THAT HER HEART IS SOMEWHERE ELSE.
Todd says he understands and that if she ever needs him HE WILL BE THERE.
Then he says it's not GOODBYE it's SEE YOU SOON.
Todd goes for a crying walk through the national park and says he wishes he could have given her that missing link and then does another cry.
It's like Jarrod all over again but this time we're in the outback and he could get eaten by a crocodile at any moment.
He says he's so broken but he's so happy for her and we just know his sister Keryn is going to be pissed.
Sssssh.
Taite is on the way.
Ali says she knows Taite is not going to say he loves her but that's OK because she can't wait to tell him how much she loves him and that's possible the saddest sentence that has ever been uttered.
Ali tells Taite love is about compromise and sacrifice and risking it all. She says she's willing to risk the hopes and dreams she came here with because she's so in love with him.
Taite says he came into this looking for love and he can honestly say he's found that with her.
NO.
He whips out a commitment ring.
They do a kiss.
Somewhere in the background, Todd is quietly sobbing in a field and WE ARE NOT OK.
UNTIL NEXT TIME.
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Catch up on the recaps here:
Episode 1: Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: A kiss leaves the men fuming.
Episode 2: Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: One man breaks the bro code.
Episode 3: Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: A tug-of-war sparks an epic feud between two men.
Episode 4: Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: One man brings up “the stairs” and is shown the door.
Episode 5: Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: Two men face off in a double date decider.
Episode 6: Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: We need to talk about Robert.
Episode 7: Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: A favourite is shown the f*ckin' door.
Episode 8: Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: "Cut it out". The physical fight that went too far.
Episode 9: Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: We need to talk about that date with Taite.
Episode 10: Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: One man is finally shown the f*ckin' door.
Episode 11: Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: One man is caught in a lie.
