This week's Bachelor recap: Meeting the parents and some last-minute begging.

Oh my. This week we open on our Bachelor walking barefoot on some mossy beach rocks. But how will he do any serious thinking with that tight shirt covering his muscles? That’s way too many layers to be able to concentrate.

Hold on… Crisis averted people – he’s going topless to swim in the pool.

That was close, you guys.

Tim informs us (for what will no doubt be the first time of many this evening) that he needs to get along with FOUR sets of parents. That’s four. The number FOUR. He must meet four sets of parents. He seems confused. Why isn’t Osher here explaining the numbers? How many parents does four sets of parents equal? WHERE ARE YOU OSHER?

Too late. We’re already in Goulburn.

We know this because Anna is standing in a grass paddock and she keeps repeating the word ‘Goulburn’. In case we don’t understand that a tree in Goulburn is a Goulburn tree and a road in Goulburn is a Goulburn road, she tells us that we’re looking at a ‘Goulburn tree’ and a ‘Goulburn road’.

Goulburn.

Anna takes Tim back to her primary school because what school wouldn’t want their students to know that if you work hard enough you can end up on The Bachelor? They drink at the tiny bubblers and inspire kids everywhere.

So, who are we going to meet tonight? DRAMATIC MUSIC TENSE CLOSE-UPS DRAMATIC DRAMA…

Anna’s dad. He’s a lawyer, which apparently means SCARY. The couple drive to her place, and we get to see some of the very nifty call-features in the shiny new Ford. Product placement dates are so romantic.

Anna’s sisters surprise her at the house. They’ve taken time off from their overseas jobs to come home because The Bachelor is in the once in a lifetime important kind of category. Obviously.

Tim charms the ladies (because muscles) but now dad’s home, and we know things are about to get serious because there’s a close-up shot of the moon in a dark sky.

OMG. Anna’s dad is AWESOME. He’s asking all the questions that you should ask the dude who has culled your daughter from a group of 25 women. YES. He asks Tim about his stripper past, wants to know what’s in this whole thing for him, and then accuses him of keeping a bunch of women captive. OMFG. This guy is amazing.

Tim isn’t sure whether he should be petrified or confused by all the big words. Maybe ‘Stockholm Syndrome’ is a good thing? He makes a mental note to Google it later and says something about strong feelings and that’s pretty much it. Oh, except for that whole part where Anna’s dad threatens to come and find him if he breaks her heart. He’ll use Ali’s tracking system to find him if need be.

It’s a new day, and the camera pans quickly across the water, so we know we’re going to a different place. We’ve left Goulburn where Anna thinks everything is prefixed with the word Goulburn. And we’re in… Perth.

Rochelle takes her cue from Tim and does some beach walking/life thinking, before Tim arrives to meet her on the sand. He says in voice over that he finds Rochelle really intriguing, which is basically his code for “I don’t know her very well, but her body makes me feel like I want to know her more.”

Rochelle takes Tim on a date to mini-golf because apparently that’s the most romantic location Perth has to offer. After ‘letting him win’, they head out to the shiny Ford and helpfully display its easy-to-open boot. Wow. What a great looking car!

Okay, this is the best thing ever. Rochelle’s parents are adorable bogans. Did her mum actually just say ‘I’m just doing some lemonade for a shandy’? Yes. Yes she did. I’m in love. She’d also like to have lots of conversations with Tim ‘over a cappuccino’.

Can they pleeeeeease end the show with Tim running away with Rochelle’s mum to drink shandies in the sunset?

Hold up. There’s that ominous music again. It’s time for a serious conversation with family number two.

Tim tactfully brings up the fact he is struggling to choose between Rochelle and three other girls, then can’t understand why she goes quiet and emotional.

Geez, Rochelle, he’s a total stud with four girls to choose from! Why you gotta be such a buzzkill?

Rochelle privately tells her mum that she’s falling in love with Tim but she’s scared. Her mum nods but finds it hard to concentrate since she’s thinking about pouring a cold shandy all over Tim’s abs.

Next up is Dani. I don’t know why but I’m not surprised she’s from the Gold Coast. She takes Tim to some rockpool, which is a fabulous opportunity to park that magnificent Ford where it can glisten brilliantly in the sun.

Swimming swimming kissing kissing blah blah blah. Dani tells Tim that she feels ‘rejuva-rated’ enough to face going to dinner with her family. I can imagine spending half an hour in a rockpool is very ‘rejuva-rating’.

Oh twist! This time there’s a scary mum instead of a scary dad. Tim is annoyed that Dani hasn’t really given her mum any details about this whole ‘Bachelor’ business. Like, how dare she be embarrassed to tell her family she’s competing against 25 other women for one muscly man?

Oh baby, look at the way that Ford swings so smoothly into the driveway.

Is anyone else missing Shandy lady?

Tim tells us that Dani’s mum is nervous because she didn’t know he was coming over. She must have been really confused about all those cameramen in her house all day then. He tries to talk to her but she seems more interested in cooking dinner. Tim doesn’t understand this. It perplexes him. Where’s Ali when you need a woman to stare at you adoringly?

Luckily, Tim and Dani’s mum end up bonding over the herb garden. THANK GOD.

Tim and Dani’s hometown date ends with a riveting conversation in the garden. “Oh,” she says. “The birds.”

Yes. The birds.

YAAAAY. Now it’s Ali’s turn. Show us the lair where you keep all your love potions! Show us the shrine scattered with Tim’s pubic hair! SHOW US EVERYTHING.

Oh. We’re just in a field in Adelaide. The glistening Ford drives over the grass with ease and Ali and Tim travel in their classic yet modern ride to Hahndorf, which Ali tells us is“the oldest German town in the whole of Australia.” Um, I didn’t know we had so many German towns that one of them could be considered the ‘oldest’. But there you go.

They hit up an awesome looking German restaurant and order the world’s largest hotdog. Tim, bless him, tries to make an unscripted joke when Ali mentions that it’s the biggest sausage in Australia: WINK WINK like my penis WINK.

Driving with ease to Ali’s place in that great-looking Ford, Tim wonders how he’s going to face her parents when he’s dating three other women and he broke her leg. He decides the best solution is to mention within five minutes of meeting them that he’s dating three other women and he broke her leg.

Nailed it.

Wow. Ali is actually a Disney Princess. Her parents live in a neighbourhood filled with castle mansions. I’m surprised they haven’t just purchased Tim to keep in a giant cage in her bedroom.

Tim tells Ali’s dad that he likes her because she’s got everything: “Intelligent. Sporty. Fit. Athletic. She can sing.”

Yep. They definitely sound like all the qualities that matter.

Ali’s parents pull her aside and ask the question we all know the answer to: If he asked for your hand in marriage, what would you say?

“I think if it was right for him, it would be right for me.”

You can tell by the looks on their faces that they’re both trying to comprehend what kind of monster they’ve created.

They don’t let on though, and tell Tim that they think he’s a ‘perfect match’ for their daughter, thereby fulfilling their duties to Ali’s exact specifications.

And now, in a ridiculously disappointing turn of events, the night is over before we get to see any of Ali’s secret love basement.

But wait! Is she… She isn’t… SHE IS! Ali just dropped the L-Bomb on Tim. I actually can’t believe she’s waited this long to say it. Oh god. Tim looks petrified. How is he going to let down the Disney Princess with Bambi eyes, who may or may not have a revolver levelled at his special place?

“Um… It’s really… Special for me to hear that.”

Well played sir. Ali, of course, is not deterred: “Tim didn’t express in words that he loved me but… He said it all in chemistry.”

Definitely.

And we’re back at the mansion for the cocktail party – which tonight just consists of the girls sitting on opposite ends of the room looking sad.

GASP! Finally, for the first time tonight… It’s OSHER! Where have you been? I’m confused! Where are we? What’s happening? What show is this? Who is The Bachelor?

Osher explains everything. Tim is The Bachelor. He met FOUR sets of parents this week. They were the girls’ parents. Now one of you is going home. The one that Tim likes the least. That will leave three of you in the competition.

How did we make it this far through the episode without him?

Ali gets a rose. Anna gets a rose.

But now… LAST MINUTE ROSE CEREMONY DRAMAAA!

Tim can’t decide between Rochelle and Dani, so takes each of them away for a private chat to see who can beg the best.

Rochelle does. She cries and admits to being wrong about every single thing she’s ever done ever. She gets the rose. Dani gets booted.

Osher tells Dani that she got booted and that she must leave because she got booted. Thanks Osher.

Next week: ENGAGEMENT RINGS. WHAT WHAAAAAT?!? Oh, it’s going to be a doozy.

It’s so close Ali can taste it. Literally – she has a machine that converts Tim’s sweat into drinking water. She’s in it to win it.

Missed a recap? Here they are:

Week 10

Week 9

Week 8

Week 7

Week 6

Week 5

Week 4

Week 3

Week 2

Week 1

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