The Twins recap The Bachelor: THE NATION IS IN SHOCK.

October 4, 2018

To keep up to date with The Honey Badger, AKA Nick Cummins, and all the best Bachelor 2018 news, cast and roses, check out our Bachelor hub. It’s a blast.

SHHHH.

HUSH NOW. It’s time.

Despite having this season spoiled for us multiple times a day for the last month, somehow we’ve found ourselves in a place where we actually have no f*cking idea what’s about to happen.

Clare and Jessie Stephens

October 4, 2018

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The Spill

Will Mr Badger choose no one, in turn disrespecting everyone's time but mostly ours? Will Osher cry into the ocean and yell that Nick wasted a) his roses b) his good hair gel and c) his well designed and impeccably executed games that might not have always made sense?

Will Cass also be on a holiday in New Caledonia by coincidence? Or shall she attempt to disguise herself as a local and do a bizarre dance to greet him?

Will intruder Brittney finally get the conga line she so desperately wanted to start?

Unlikely.

But one thing is certain: Honey Badger went on TV for the lols and now he’s in New Caledonia having to present a ring to a woman he doesn’t like that much. And there is no better man to help him do that than Osher who has gone full Getaway as he frolicks through the fields of New Caledonia in a bizarre new party shirt.

Obviously Mr Badger's family have flown to New Caledonia for one simple reason: To see their good friend Brooke.

Could they have just met up with the two finalists in Australia rather than fly to another country? Certainly. But Osher wanted a holiday and here we are.

Badger explains to the other Badgers that they will be meeting Brittany and Sophie and no. They don't understand. Neither of those names sound remotely like Brooke.

They want a Brooke and wtf is this.

Mr Badger says something about how Brooke needed to go home because she missed her family and sweetie, no. We knew you weren't listening.

He assures the fellow Badgers that the two girls he has with him are "tippy top" and honestly at this stage even they are over Mr Badger.

First, he brings out Brittany, and his family like that she has brown hair. It reminds them of their good friend, Brooke.

Nick's sister then takes Brittany aside and says: "Your ovaries are getting old, discuss." Brittany agrees and promises she will have children ASAP and not let them watch too much television which sounds horrible but okay.

When she returns to the family, Nick accidentally starts going on a tangent about how it's really difficult because he thought he'd know who he liked by now but he doesn't because they're both average lol.

Brittany is unimpressed and wishes he at least waited until she went to the toilet to bitch about her.

Next is Sophie - and as usual Mr Badger spends the first eight minutes of their interaction complimenting her on her face.

He introduces her to his family, but before long his brother Luke asks Sophie out on what appears to be a date which is embarrassing for everyone. She agrees, and they head out the back to have a chat.

Sophie cries for reasons that are unclear and then says she has to open up more which doesn't seem fair given the slab of concrete she's being forced to interact with.

bachelor — "Have you ever actually spoken to him tho?"

After she leaves, Luke sums up, "It's a toughie, you've got Britt... you've got Soph... you've got Broo..." and NO THERE IS NO BROOKE PLS.

But goodness.

Badger's sister drops a goddamn bomb and we like it very much.

"They're both right and wrong for him," she says. "I don't see that either one is the right package for him..."

GURL.

But now Nick has run off and rented a jet ski and FFS dude how many times have you been on a jet ski this season? Too many.

He picks up Sophie, and takes her around New Caledonia, yelling about how she brings out the youthful energy and joy in him. Mate, that's not Sophie. That's the rented jet ski.

Sophie then decides it's time to tell Mr Badger exactly how she feels which we swear she has done at least three times but okay. She says she wants to shout how much she likes him off the top of a mountain but with other girls here it's too hard etc. etc. She then opens up about her fear of rejection, and while she cries her eyes out, Mr Badger looks at her with a slight smile on his face.

You see, he's interpreted the clause in his contract that says, "Don't give away the winner" to mean "Be a psychopath" which is awkward for everyone.

"I'm falling in love with you," she says, and he REMAINS SILENT before shutting her up with a kiss.

Cool.

Now it's time for Nick's final date with Britt and he says he's as like "a dog with two tails," which honestly is just about the most self aware thing we've heard him say all season.

They go in a plane and see New Caledonia from the sky, before landing on a love heart which has been mowed into the grass and we swear to God if you guys destroyed New Caledonia even a little bit for your silly show we will never forgive you.

"He makes me feel whole again," Brittany says which we're pretty sure is an Atomic Kitten lyric from the early 00s but we'll allow it.

They begin to discuss their future over wine and cheese and Brittany says, "You just fell into my life.." like when 'fell into my life' means 'I signed up and auditioned for a reality television show and got through and then competed with 24 other women and now I'm here.'

Nick responds to all her emotions with "Oh maa Gawd..." before taking a deep breathe and muttering, "Mmmm, oh Britt."

Oh, FFS.

Don't do this again.

"I want all the same things you do," he says, "but I just don't know if the timelines match." ... Wut.

You can't sign up for The Bachelor and then criticise someone's timeline which includes a partner in the near future. YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

Mr Badger then starts getting a real tortured look in his eyes and says that the doubt is in him and for a split second we feel weirdly... sad.

HUSH IT'S TIME FOR DECISIONS PLS AND HOW IS NICK GOING TO FORMULATE AN ARTICULATE SPEECH FOR EACH OF THESE WOMEN?

As we know, whoever arrives first is the loser and once we see a foot it's clear it's Sophie.

But why do we feel like it's not that simple?

Osher greets her in French because he's really been getting into the holiday spirit which is sweet.

But finally, Sophie stands in front of Mr Badger, and he says, "I like you a lot Sophie," at which point she knows it's all over.

"I am not able, with all my conscience to whole-heartedly commit to you right now," he explains, but she doesn't leave yet so he adds, "our journey comes to an end..."

Well. That was the weirdest rejection in Bachelor history. Sophie mutters something about Brittany being the best before running away to cry alone.

But Sophie won't stop talking about Brittany and we think we're being baited.

"If it's not me," she says, "then I'd hope it was someone like Britt..." and WE DON'T THINK IT'S ANYONE EXCEPT MAYBE OSHER.

Goodness it's Brittany's turn and our hands are sweating. Osher looks even more nervous and we think he knows.

Omg, no, we're seriously sweating.

Brittany is in a wedding dress so if she's rejected it will be particularly awkward. Nick compliments her on her bridal gown and then gets into it.

The music is changing... we feel optimistic. He is being all nostalgic. "You're an amazing woman..." he says and THIS IS ALL GOING DOWN HILL.

"When I say those three words I want to really mean it.. I won't be entering into a relationship unless I can give all of me. I'm not looking for a girlfriend. I'm looking for a life partner. And I can't promise that right now," he says and excuse our French Osher but HOLY F*CKING SHIT THIS IS NEXT LEVEL.

"So... that's it?" Britt asks and yep we guess everyone just goes home now.

WHAT IS HAPPENING WE DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL.

When Britt leaves, Nick says, "thanks for sharing," and it's like FOR SHARING WHAT? Her soul? On the TV? For precisely no reason?

Wait. Why do we feel sad for Mr Badger? He is so confused and emotionally immature and he just doesn't know how to have thoughts and feelings and isn't this everything wrong with toxic masculinity goodness gracious.

BUT IT'S STILL GOING.

"So, he picked no one?" Brittany asks a producer. "What a gigantic waste of time that was," she reflects, along with the rest of the nation, before asking that she go see Sophie and check that she's okay.