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It’s the day of The Bachelor finale, and one thing seems certain: Honey Badger went on TV for the lols and now he’s in New Caledonia having to present a ring to a woman he doesn’t like that much.
We've all been there (literally none of us have been there).
You see, he's just not that... keen. Which would be fine. If we hadn't just spent SEVEN WEEKS becoming invested in the TRAINWRECK that is Nick Cummins' attempt at finding love on national television.
Out of the 24 women presented to him by an eager-to-please Osher, it was Brooke who stood out from the beginning. The 23-year-old from Perth was the only woman who appeared to have genuine chemistry with Cummins, who found himself on dates sitting in complete silence twice. Repeatedly, the 30-year-old rugby player said he could see a future with Brooke, and even mentioned that she might be the woman he marries.
But when Brooke asked for a hint of reassurance that Cummins actually liked her - a fact he had confirmed privately to the camera time and time again - he went silent. Instead, he mumbled something about struggling with his feelings for all the women (...why?), and failed to alleviate any anxieties Brooke had about where she stood with him.
Feeling slightly... rejected, Brooke decided to leave, and Mr Badger kindly offered to walk her to the car.
"This wasn't part of my plan," he said as he hugged her, and TOO LATE SIR. WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY THAT LITERALLY TEN MINUTES AGO.
Now, having a) accidentally fallen in love when he didn't mean to, and b) accidentally let the person he loves leave because he couldn't be bothered telling her how he felt, Cummins has to choose between Sophie and Brittany.
My theory is that for the first time in the history of The Bachelor, he chooses neither.
This is my evidence:
The promo for the finale of The Bachelor is Channel 10's opportunity to be as shamelessly click-baity as possible about who wins. Every season we're shown nervous contestants, an emotional bachelor, and crucially, a voice over of said bachelor saying something along the lines of: 'I'm so in love with you'/'I've been waiting to tell you'/'Osher wouldn't let me'/'Let's go back to the hotel and bang,' etc.
But the promos for tonight's episode are particularly cryptic.
“I came here for a real shot at love,” we hear Nick say in one. We don't believe you... but okay.
"I just want it now. I know I'm ready. Next time I say, "I love you", I want it to be for keeps," he says in another.
Then a voice over: "Here comes the most heart-stopping end to a series we’ve ever seen."
We're shown a flash of a ring, and a shot of Cummins hunched over before he makes his final decision.
It’s GRAND FINALE WEEK! Who will Nick choose? Get ready for the most heart-stopping end to a series you’ve ever seen ????❤#TheBachelorAU 7.30 Wednesday & Thursday on TEN pic.twitter.com/9NtZxjaoXM
— The Bachelor Aus ???? (@TheBachelorAU) October 2, 2018
This is not a finale hooked on romance. Could it be because Cummins dumps the winner shortly after choosing her? Or could it be because he never chooses anyone in the first place?
Or could it be because Cummins eats something funky and has chronic diarrhoea, hence the hunching over? I don't mind either way tbh.
No bachelor has ever said they're struggling to develop feelings for all of the remaining women. Probably because it would make them appear heartless and rude.
The fact that this particular piece of dialogue was aired seems significant.
A quick trip to New Caledonia with a camera crew, an Osher, and a family who want to know where the hell Brooke is will probably not be the right setting for these non-existent 'feelings' to grow.
Unless it's with Brooke. Who arrives via helicopter because she was summoned by Nick's family. Who know sometimes he gets distracted and can't speak. But are also across the fact he loves her. Pls.
Not since Blake Garvey's season of The Bachelor has the star of the show dodged media interviews in the wake of the finale.
But Nick shared an Instagram story on Tuesday sitting on a plane holding a copy of 'Kokoda' by Peter FitzSimons and it's been confirmed that he'll be out of the country until October 11, when he'll return to promote his new book, The Honey Badger Guide to Life.
SIR.
Surely, if he had chosen a winner at some point, he would stay in the country to do interviews because... respect? Or... integrity? But it makes perfect sense that if there is no winner, Nick is going to try to get as far away from a disappointed Osher as possible.
Let's be real - the rumours stopped making sense a long time ago.
If we believed them, we'd have to simultaneously hold the following facts to be true:
So I'm starting my own rumour, with just as much credibility as the rest, that Nick chooses no one, and this season of The Bachelor ends the way most of them do anyway: with a single suitor, and a bunch of Instagram-famous former contestants.
FIN.
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