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We’re at Cass’ house, where her family have been frantically hiding all their Honey Badger memorabilia as not to come on too strong.
“I’ll bring it out after dessert,” Cass’ mum mutters to a producer. “It’s too much all at once…”
Meanwhile, Cass is distracting Nick by introducing him to her horses, named 'Nick', 'Honey', and 'Badger' and laughs it off as a silly coincidence.
She tells him he will be meeting her mum, dad, sister, and brother who he met at her birthday last year and WHAT THE ACTUAL F*CK CASS, NO.
First, it was the apparent family holiday to Queensland with Nick's brother.
Now, it's Cass' intimate birthday party which is a place you certainly do not invite a man you casually wave to at the gym sometimes.
She also drops in that her family know about 'their history', likely because Mr Badger was at their f*cking family Christmas with a present for grandma.
Listen to the latest episode of Bach Chat, right here.
When they arrive at Cass' house, one thing becomes immediately clear.
Mrs Cass loves Mr Badger and wants him to be... hers.
She takes Cass aside and says, "OH I REMEMBER, you were really into him... you always said that he was potentially the one," and... is Cass' mum trying to cock block her IDK.
Mrs Cass is everyone's mum when they're told to be on their best behaviour, revealing shit you didn't even know they knew, and bringing up secret diaries full of shame.
Over dinner, Cass' mum continues to share details Cass has explicitly asked her not to share - and Cass glares at the camera as if to say, "nah I never told you guys he was my soul mate you're getting... mixed up."
The problem of course is that she said that last week to a) Mr Badger and b) all of us so we know the gossip is accurate.
Nick doesn't really get grilled given he's inside the home of a family of fan girls who kind of just want to know if he'll sign their ball. As he leaves, Mrs Cass gives him a bag of cookies and no.
"A little bit of love, in all my cooking," she explains. "A bit of love for Nick... it comes back to Cass..." she trails off before making it clear with her eyes that there's a lot of marijuana in the cookies.
Hoping not to be drug tested, Mr Badger then boards a plane to Perth to hang out with Brooke.
He meets a friend, a brother figure and a father figure and no one is quite... sure. "FFS," he says to the camera. "Everyone at Cass' house were fans and now I gotta put up with this shit."
Badger, pls. Be nice.
Just as he's digging into a bowl of spaghetti bolognese Brooke's best friend asks for a chat and he is livid. No one separates Mr Badger from his mince.
It's the usual spiel about how he has three other girlfriends while Brooke doesn't have any other boyfriends and how is that fair. He's confused and says: "I, Honey. I make decision. Brooke look pretty in dress with lipstick."
Cool.
All of a sudden Nick's in Queensland with Sophie and honestly we're just impressed that he's not in Kuala Lumpur given Osher's organisational skills.
After a few minutes of blatantly objectifying her, Sophie takes Nick to meet her family and honestly this is all becoming so formulaic. Can't someone have a family where the dad refuses to put on pants for visitors and the mum is yelling about the blocked toilet and an unhinged cousin walks in half way through and asks for money? Pls?
Sophie's family is painfully normal, and after dinner her sisters ask for some help with dessert.
Except it's a trap.
Because they could bring the dessert themselves if they really wanted to. But they don't.
It takes Mr Badger the entirety of the conversation to realise this is not about dessert, at which point he puts down the spatula and stops icing the already iced cake.
They ask him if he likes Sophie more than the other three women and he's all like, "Contractually I'm not allowed to say, can we have cake now orrrr..." and they're satisfied.
Now we're in Port Macquarie, where camels roam freely on beaches and everyone's backyard has an ocean.
The camels are frankly unimpressed that a man of Mr Badger's... size... is planning on mounting them. It hurts their... humps.
After Mr Badger has given one camel arthritis for life, they head to Brittany's house and goodness.
It's... it's Sam Cochrane in 30 years.
Brittany's dad looks remarkably like former Bachelor in Paradise star Sam Cochrane but with (if we're being honest) better hair.
He takes Mr Badger aside, clears up the fact there's no relation, and says: "I don't have a great deal of respect for football players in terms of their relationships with women."
Holy, no. That's the wisest most perceptive but also intelligent thing anyone has ever said on this show and that's including the time Mr Badger said "Hooroo chitty chitty bang bang rabbits".
But Nick is shook by this revelation from Britt's dad.
"WHO, US?" he yells. "WE DO POO POO IN HALLWAY AND STIMULATE SEX WITH DOGS AND SEXT YOUNG WOMEN WHEN WE'RE MARRIED SOMETIMES BUT THAT'S ALL (THAT WE KNOW ABOUT FOR NOW)."
Mr Britt just keeps drinking out of his pint like a legend because he doesn't give a single f*ck.
He drops in that he would definitely do Britt's ex-boyfriend "physical harm if given the opportunity," and that's illegal but also doesn't matter because we have fallen deeply in love with the nameless man.
Oh.
But Britt's sister would like to speak to Nick while standing in a garden now, please.
Look. She's been doing a google. And apparently Nick and Cass were an item on the outside and she. wants. answers.
Nick doesn't have... many... but Britt's sister has done her research, and if she's learned one thing in her life it's that The Daily Mail never lies. ESPECIALLY when it comes to The Bachelor. (Actually tho their spoilers have been spot on and we honestly don't give them enough credit).
She then decides it's time to tell Britt about the allegations and honestly this woman whose name we didn't catch is the national hero we do not deserve.
Britt doesn't... like it. Cass full pretended like they just walked past each other once every two months, but now it appears there was MORE.
As she walks Mr Badger out of her home he says how much he loved her family and she replies, "Yeah, they're really cool people." No one has ever referred to their family as 'cool people' and we would prefer it stayed that way.
She then grills him about the whole "Are you secretly in a relationship with Cass and this is all a stitch up?" and Nick can't be certain but he is pretty sure that's not the case.
He says they caught up three times which sounds like a lie but okay, and they kissed and something about dinner food.
Interesting.
BUT NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE COCKTAIL PARTY AND CAN YOU CALL IT A PARTY WHEN THERE'S ONLY TWO PEOPLE OR IS IT MORE OF A MEET UP.
Demon music starts playing and Brittany emerges out of a bush to do a confront.
She explains she was 'mortified' and 'humiliated' when their past relationship was brought up at home visits, and Cass starts crying because she didn't mean to lie but she also compulsively did for an entire television season which got in the way of important gossip.
Cass admits they went on a few dates and, "we kissed and stuff... I don't know what to say... it's a really inappropriate situation," which reiterates what we already knew: they did a sex together at least two times.
But Britt wants to hear her say it and so do we.
"Were you staying with each other?" she says a little too quietly and SPEAK UP GURL WE'VE BEEN WAITING SIX WEEKS FOR THIS.
Cass responds, "This is really inappropriate Britt," which we suppose it is but that doesn't really matter at this point.
Cass then starts hyperventilating and crying and a producer is asking, "are you right Cass?" and no she's not right look at her the woman can't breathe.
IT'S ROSE CEREMONY TIME and Osher is pleased to see everyone's flights worked out.
Cass, who has said multiple times throughout the episode that she will not be at all okay if she doesn't end up with Nick, is sent home and we don't like it at all.
At one point she is audibly whimpering and we can feel the hurt from here. She's too... quiet... and... composed.
Our thoughts and prayers are with Cass and her family, but also her Honey Badger memorabilia.
UNTIL NEXT WEEK.
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Catch up on all the recaps right here:
Ep 1: The Twins recap The Bachelor: The awkward incident that has two women fuming.
Ep 2: The Twins recap The Bachelor: The most cringeworthy first kiss we've ever seen.
Ep 3: The Twins recap The Bachelor: The love letter that should’ve never, ever been read.
Ep 4: The Twins recap The Bachelor: One woman leans in for a kiss and Nick… doesn’t want it.
Ep 5: The Twins recap The Bachelor: We have one, very simple question for Cass.
Ep 6: The Twins recap The Bachelor: A request for a kiss ends in tears and we're done.
Ep 7: The Twins recap The Bachelor: Er… it actually just became too mean.
Ep 8: The Twins recap The Bachelor: The Mean Girls ending no one saw coming.
Ep 9: The Twins recap The Bachelor: So this whole thing about Brooke's secret is really messed up.
Ep 10: The Twins recap The Bachelor: “Let’s stop kidding ourselves.” One woman walks out.
Ep 11: The Twins recap The Bachelor: The silence that killed our dreams.
Ep 12: The Twins recap: Well… let’s be real about what led to that random AF eviction.
Ep 13: The Twins recap The Bachelor: An X-rated pool session makes us very uncomfortable.
