The Twins recap The Bachelor episode 3: The dress no woman should be dumped in.

We begin with a reminder that this show has little to do with finding love and absolutely everything to do with Simone hating Leah.

Simone repeats “I don’t like her” about 12 times, and for a moment we are utterly convinced that we are watching an episode of Maury Povich titled: “The Intensely Caucasian Women Who Are Forced To Live In A Harem With Their Boyfriend’s 21 Other Girlfriends”.

When Osher enters the room we legit think he is Maury, until one of the girls whispers, "When Osher comes in I get so nervous."

Oh, that's right.

But something is up with Osher. He is unusually casual and apologises for being early with his envelope which he never does. Leah makes a 'joke' about why Matty J doesn't just call them instead of sending Osher.

.... What? 

What are you playing at?

Osher jokes and says, "Why would he pick up the phone when he's got me?"

But it's not a joke. Everyone knows Osher is sensitive to advances in technology and to even suggest a phone call would suffice is a) ridiculous b) absurd and c) dismissive of Osher's career as a card deliverer.

Jesus.

Anyway, clearly Leah doesn't get the single date card mostly because Osher is on a mission to get her eliminated. The clue is something to do with creativity, Laura wins, and Osher mumbles that she's only got 15 minutes to get ready because he's done with all their sh*t for today.

LISTEN: Michelle Andrews and Zara McDonald debrief on everything Bachelor, on the latest episode of Bach Chat. Post continues below. 

It's when Laura is waiting on a boat dock looking longingly into the distance that we realise this is literally the exact same date as last week. We feel like someone at Channel 10 owns a boat and they have to find a way to incorporate it into every date.

Matty reflects that he's had his eye on Laura since they first met which is now approximately seven days, so things are getting pretty serious.

They talk, bla bla and we still can't believe what Leah said to Osher.

But there's something else we need to acknowledge. It's... it's this.

Back at the house, a woman excitedly finds the group date card and we have actually never seen this person in our lives. Luckily, we are fairly certain that it won't matter.

It turns out pretty much everyone is going on the group date, even... her.

Cool.

Back on Laura's date, Matty J has decided that they will try and draw each other. While this sounds romantic, Matty draws a demon.

It's traumatic for everyone involved, particularly Laura who literally uses the word "offended" to describe her reaction.

After Laura calls a plastic surgeon and swiftly orders a new face, they go and have a picnic and talk about how what Matty just did constitutes emotional abuse. He appears sorry.

There's a lull in conversation and they end up kissing. We're both whispering at our screen, "Sweetie, what Matty just did to you isn't okay..."

The rest of the date looks a little something like this:

EXCUSE US PLS it's time for the group date and Jesus we've seen this before too.

Literally they have knights outfits left over from last year, so Osher draws a tenuous link at best about Matty once living in England and something about Medieval times being relevant to him.

Osher begins, "Welcome to England in the year 1509!" and it becomes clear he has always a little bit wanted to be a historical tour guide and that's okay.

The women go and get changed and it appears there is one objective for today's challenge: to humiliate precisely everyone.

Game number one involves GROWN WOMEN CHASING AND CAPTURING PIGLETS WHO SQUEAL WITH REGRET AND ALSO SHAME. There is something about these women on their hands and knees grabbing piglets around their ankles that feels... how do we put this?

Unnecessary. 

There has potentially never been a less attractive activity to watch a potential partner partake in, but each to their own.

Before long, a piglet has called the RSPCA and asked, "What the f*ck?"

There are two winners and we don't completely understand.

More entirely nonsensical games ensue, but the most noteworthy event is when Cobie (still under the influence of helium in our opinion) actually collapses with joy when she wins.

They run out of Medieval themed activities so four women just have to play soccer at the end, and one woman says of Elora (the one with pigment) "she's in the gym all the time and is pretty scary," which we're 90 per cent sure is also racist.

Six women win the honour of eating dinner accompanying Lord Matty for a banquet, and obviously it just turns into a competition of who can be the least respectful of other people's time. It's great to watch. Everyone interrupts each other, until Leah cries for no conceivable reason except maybe that Osher has been making her life hell since the "why doesn't he just call" comment.

She later explains that crying was a strategy to win, and JESUS THERE IS NO PRIZE MONEY CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL HER AND ALSO THIS IS NOT GAME OF THRONES IT IS NOT SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE TO ELIMINATE YOUR ENEMIES.

Then again...

Matty J reflects after Leah's tears, "To hear her struggling. I was pretty taken aback by that," and in the background you can hear Osher muttering, "Yeah... because it's bullshit."

OSHER PLS. Stop meddling.

STOP IT. It's the rose ceremony, and surely you cannot dump a woman on national television dressed like that. Surely... you must give her a chance to change.

Perhaps more importantly, you shan't be doing the dumping in that... get up.

Akoulina AKA the ribbon dancer is sent home, and we barely knew thee.

Oh sweetie, no woman should ever have to go home in a Medieval style costume dress. EVER.

Until tomorrow night...

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