The 7 lies everyone tells at the doctor.

I should start this by saying I am completely comfortable with my sexuality and talking about sex and sexual health.

My friends and I discuss our sex lives openly and my parents are aware I’m not a virgin.

I gave my young sister the ‘how babies were made‘ talk at the tender age of 11. So I may have been using barbie dolls to help illustrate my point and looking back it was probably more traumatic than beneficial for her, but still. She had to learn somehow.

So I’m not really sure what it is about going to my doctor that turns me from a confident, young woman in my 20s, to a pathological liar trying to desperately cover up any sexual escapades I’ve had in my lifetime. It’s like as soon as she fixes her piercing gaze on me (read: perfectly lovely face), I start blurting out things that would make Pinnochio proud.

On my very regular two-yearly check up (lie #1), I once again had a visit which turned into a desperate running race of my brain trying, struggling and failing to keep up with my mouth.

Lie #1:

Doctor: When was your last pap smear?

Me: Oh, two years ago.

Correct Answer: WRONG. I’ve put off a pap smear for three years. Nothing major, and I hardly think she was going to get super judgey doc on me, but for some reason I thought if I owned up to the fact I was a year late, I was going to be reported down in a secret little diary that Doctor keeps of all her useless patients.

Lie #2:

Doctor: Do you have a partner?

Me: Yes!

Doctor: How long have you guys been together for?

Me: Oh like. 6 months. 7 even. Time flies!

Correct Answer:

Well, I mean it’s been 7 months since we met, sooooooooo you know.  Also I’m pretty sure only my Grandma says shit like ‘time flies.’

Lie #3:

Doctor: And you are sexually active?

Me: HA, not lately, I just finished my period.

Correct Answer:

Way to jump from little while lies, to in-your-face, blatant truth. You absolute idiot. Answer yes and don’t make some weird, embarrassing joke out of it. You’re 23, not 13. (Still slightly better than the time I answered this question with a ‘Oh God no, what’s a penis again?’ after a 9 month dry-spell.)

Lie #4

Doctor: And otherwise your health is good?

Me: Absolutely! Healthy as!

Correct Answer:

I Google diagnosed myself the other day because I think I’m lactose intolerant but I’m sure it’ll pass without having to extend this visit and pay more money, because my bank account is really low right now. Also I’m a major insomnia sufferer and really should do something about that so I stop pacing the house at 3am like some creepy ghost bitch, but you know. Maybe I’ll just shut my computer off earlier in the future.

Lie #5

Doctor: And are you right for your pill prescription?

Me: Absolutely!

Correct Answer:

I’m not even on the pill, why did I just agree to that.

Lie #6

Doctor: What pill are you on?

Me: Oh. The one beginning with L. That you can get for $15 at the chemist?

Correct Answer:

In the 2 minutes that passed, still not on the pill, WHAT AM I DOING.

Lie #7

Doctor: So you don’t need your prescription renewed?

Me: All good! *gives slightly crazy laugh*

Correct Answer:

Seriously, get a grip. She wasn’t going to condemn you for not being on the pill and send you to some sort of sexual health pill convention. Calm down.

Needless to say after my 15 minutes of fun, I trudged home, contemplating if I completely lost the plot, or if doctors deal with awkward, pathologically lying patients frequently. I promised myself when going back the next week to get my test results, that if the doctor asked me anymore personal questions, I’d reply with 100% honesty.

Did it work? Well not exactly. Upon returning I decided it probably was time to get a pill prescription and while asking for it, blurted out ‘Actually, I will update my pill prescription, I left mine at my parents house when I was home last and didn’t realise HAHA isn’t that funny?!’

Oh shut up. 

Thank God pap smears only come around once every two years.

Do you ever get awkward or turn into a weird, pathological liar when you see your doctor?