The 4 types of avoidance that kill relationships and how to fix them.

Avoidance is the silent relationship killer you've probably never heard of. Essentially, it is a sign of unresolved issues. In a recent survey of mental health professionals, "communication problems" were cited as the main reason for divorce.

At the end of the road, couples break up for a variety of reasons. They fall out of love, they argue over finances, the stress of the renovation pushes them over the edge, they drift apart or an infidelity occurs. However, at the beginning of the road, these major relationship killers usually start with avoidance, which compounds over time with devastating effect. 

So, why does avoidance occur in relationships and how can you break the cycle? 

Watch: Black Cat And Golden Retriever Theory In Relationships. Article continues after the video.

1. The conflict-avoider

Some partners avoid telling the truth about situations or desires because they fear their partner's reaction. They are uncomfortable with conflict and avoid it at all costs.

Often, they believe there is nothing wrong with their action but rather than dealing with perceived tensions they avoid informing their partner. When this dynamic ensues, partners end up in major discord. Trust is eroded due to the avoidance of the truth. One partner becomes suspicious of the other while the other partner constantly feels like they're being monitored or controlled.

Tip: Start by bringing awareness to, and naming, your conflict-avoiding. Ask yourself - why am I wanting to avoid? Remind yourself that it is better to deal with some tension now rather than a major conflict and erosion of trust. Your partner might be fine with the issue. But if not, it is a sign that it is something you both need to unpack to make the relationship authentic.

2. The self-sacrificing partner pleaser

The self-sacrificing partner pleaser works to avoid conflict or feelings of guilt that might arise if they were to take care of their own needs. Deep down they fear rejection, abandonment or simply believe they should put others before themselves.

Over time, this can lead to increasing feelings of resentment and unappreciation. It can also breed inauthenticity in the relationship if the other partner is not aware theirpartner is not expressing their needs.

Tip: Become aware of guilt versus 'unjustified guilt'. Both of these emotions feel the same. However, in the latter you have not done anything wrong, there is nothing to repair - that is how you know it is unjustified guilt. Then ask yourself, what are my needs or wants in this situation? Practice expressing and asking for your needs while sitting with any feelings of unjustified guilt.  

3. Relationship procrastination

In a busy world relationships often get pushed down the priority list. Relationship procrastination occurs when one or both partners avoid investing time and energy into their relationship with the idea that they will in the future. This form of avoidance can be dangerous as partners wrongly assume they will be able to pick up where they previously left off. Unchecked, partners can find that they have drifted apart, attraction has declined and they have less in common.

Tip: Have a conversation with your partner about how you each think your relationship is going. Are you having quality time together and checking in with each other's inner world? Is there fun and excitement in the relationship? Are you satisfied with your sex life? Now discuss a plan to carve out some time and push your relationship up the priority list. 

4. The relationship wall

The relationship wall occurs when you have feelings, needs or desires that you find difficult to express. This could occur for a variety of reasons. You fear your partner will not validate your emotions, you worry if you express yourself authentically you might hurt your partner or you might find it difficult to express your feelings generally.

When this form of avoidance occurs issues get swept under the carpet, conflict increases, tensions mount and partners often feel like adversaries.

Tip: Take some time out and write down your thoughts, feelings and curiosities about the issue and the reason you are afraid to express yourself. Then tell your partneryour wall is up and that you would like to talk about it. 

Partners who can express themselves feel secure, heard and valued by one another, creating a solid foundation for mutual growth and companionship. This is protectiveof your relationship. Agreeing to work on limiting avoidance involves a sense of vulnerability and trust. However, it's the gateway to fostering open and honest communication, empathy and support within the relationship. 

Shahn Baker Sorekli is a Clinical Psychologist and couples therapist, as well as the co- founder of the couples coaching app My Love Your Love. He is also the co-author ofThe 8 Love Links, a book designed to help individuals and couples develop deeper insights and strategies for stronger, more fulfilling relationships.

For more information visit www.8lovelinks.com.

Feature image: Getty.