‘I tried letting go of being a “perfect parent” for a week. Here’s what happened.’

“I feel so guilty. I swear she’s watched five hours of TV today."

My sister was nearly a week into full-time toddler parenting and somehow pretending to have everything together at work, while my brother-in-law quarantined in their bedroom, spicy coughs emanating from behind the closed door. 

I mean, of course her two-and-a-half-year-old was watching TV! Do what you've gotta do to ease that mental load and just get through.

But while I was stunned by my sister’s denigration of what I consider to be superstar level parenting, it dawned on me that maybe she’s not the only one who has trouble cutting themselves some much needed slack. I am always wondering if I’m enough, always questioning my choices as a person and as a parent... and what exactly for? 

Enough’s enough.

I decided to go rogue and give up on my idea of parenting perfection for a week. Here’s exactly how it all went down.

Image: Supplied.

I said nope to social media perfection.

For starters, I set myself some gentle guidelines around my social media use. Why, you ask? Isn’t this week all about cutting yourself slack? I know it may sound counterintuitive, but bear with me.

Firstly, I said “gentle” because I’m not a total masochist and I, like most of us, don’t respond well to harsh ultimatums. Secondly, I suspect we all recognise that social media plays a pretty big part in reinforcing a subconscious belief that we must, at all times, be practically perfect parents.

Did you notice my Mary Poppins-esque alliteration just there? That’s exactly what I’m talking about! I sometimes find myself filtering a natural moment of joy with my child through a lens of potential Instagram captions (gross, right?). So rather than just enjoying a sweet moment in the beautiful mess of it all, I end up hoping my child will “do that again facing away from the window this time, because that light made the photo look... meh.” 

So my big theory here, and I might be way off, is that if I take away the pressure to “perform” perfect parenting on social media, I might just find it easier to actually embrace and enjoy the mess in real life; to shift my focus from capturing the moment, to feeling present in the moment instead.

For a whole week, I intercepted the impulse to reach for my phone when my little one did something hilarious, adorable, or milestone-y. 

Even when he once did all three at the same time (he took several steps, stopped to wave at my mum and promptly fell face first into my muffin). While I did feel a pang of “oh, I wish I’d caught that” I also felt free from the somewhat tawdry pleasure of anticipating likes and comments posted by strangers.

So how did I do? Honestly, I didn’t always stick to this one, but this week wasn’t about perfection, so really, in a weird way, by not sticking to it perfectly, I achieved my goal! (Yes, I can hear myself, I know, I’m a nutcracker, that’s why we’re talking about this in the first place.)

Image: Supplied.

I embraced the mess.

As the newly minted parent of a toddler this might sound absolutely ridiculous, but I just cannot stand a messy pram. 

My husband seems unperturbed when spilling coffee down the side of it, resting his dripping hot peanut butter toast on the canopy and doing the ol’ quick brush off before strapping our son into a smooshed banana/cracker/pancake on the pram seat. I, however, just cannot handle the mess. 

But now that I have a beautiful, grubby little 1-year-old, the time has well and truly come to embrace it.

This week I just let it all go and boy... was that pram a WRECK. 

Image: Supplied.

You know how I know I stuck to my word? My mum dropped the pram back after babysitting and said “I gave it a little cleanup, there was some mouldy raspberry jammed in beside the seat. ”

Nailed it.

Image: Supplied.

I said yes to offers of help.

This was the big one, and it’s the thing I struggle with most of all. I’ve actually been pretty unwell over the past few weeks. I suffer from two autoimmune diseases, and they’re having a right old flare up at the moment. In the past, in classic perfectionist form, I’ve refused to submit to my limitations and ended up worse off for it.

But not this week. This week was all about accepting what I can’t change and living in the chaos.

So, instead of forging ahead when my body screamed out for me to take a rest, I popped my little one in front of The Wiggles and collapsed on the couch. Can we all please take a moment to give thanks for the marvels of children’s television? 

I also said YES to everyone who offered to take him off my hands for a few hours, and I gladly welcomed the beautiful food deliveries from my mothers’ group angels.

You know what the best part is about accepting help from those who love you? They love it too. I heard the surprise in peoples’ voices when instead of saying “no no, don’t put yourself out, I’m fine” I said “thank you, that would be such a big help.”

My verdict? 

Well, I’m only a week in on my new zen-parenting life, but it’s been pretty clear that striving to be superhuman with a mental load that knows no limits isn’t very super. Or actually possible. I suspect, not a single one of us is. Even my sister. 

You can’t expect to parent a child perfectly, even if your world is perfect. But you certainly can’t do it all while the world falls apart around you. Or while your body fights you from the inside, or while you’re grieving, while you’re working full-time, while you have the spicy cough. Any of it! You just can’t. 

And the best news is, you don’t actually have to.

My little boy is just as beautiful, bright, and thriving this week as he was when I was in full-on perfect-mum-mode. In fact, I think he might even like messy mummy a little bit more.

Image: Supplied.

Feature Image: Supplied/Mamamia.