'Stop calling it "daddy issues". Here's why I'm really attracted to older men.'

I always thought I'd grow out of my thing for older men.

I thought that the more I understood about how the world romanticises ageing men — for their increasing emotional stability, ability to 'show up', to be curious and present, not to mention their silver hair and rugged, worn, sexy hands… while women are made to feel disposable — that I'd get over it.

Instead, I find myself in love with a man almost a decade older than me.

I've never been into guys my age. It's been that way ever since I was old enough to have a crush. My first crush was six years older than me, in fact.

He'd finished high school as I was just getting started, he'd read books I'd never heard of, had been to underground bars in Berlin and swirled wine in his glass before he drank it. I thought he was everything.

But it wasn't just him. It was the older male characters in books, films, TV shows, the cultured ones who knew about cocktails and classic texts, who had caring eyes and a more grown-up body.

I didn't want to date the boys from high school, the ones that made fun of the girls that had pimples, that didn't want to admit they liked you. 

Watch: The dating experience women keep having. Post continues after video.

When I was 15, a family friend tried to set me up with a boy my age, from a "good European family" like mine, likely in the hopes that we'd fall in love and decide there was no one else we'd ever rather eventually have sex with.

We'd get married, have kids and that would be it. I tried to like him (for my parents, mostly), I really did.

But he was immature. He thought farts were funny. He played slapstick pranks on his friends. I know he was just acting his age, being a kid; but I didn't want to kiss him.

And while, in my 30 years of life, I've definitely dabbled in relationships with a few fellow circa 1995 babes — even dated one for a few years — I've always just been far more interested in older men.

To tell you the truth, I'm a bit embarrassed by the cliché. A young woman liking older men feels very Lolita in a way that is not becoming or acceptably romanticised in 2025.

Nor is a forbidden romance with a sexy literature teacher, or your boss at the late-night cocktail bar you used to work at, all of which were — and still are! — very alluring to me.

To admit my escapades with older men feels like admitting to a fantasy that should have been left in the early-2000s era of problematic movies and Tumblr fan-fiction.

Pop culture has always romanticised the older man–younger woman pairing (see: Lost in Translation, Closer). The reverse — older woman, younger man — is almost always played out for comedy or scandal.

I see this, and I don't like it. I don't like that women feel pressure to stay looking 'young', while the physical assets of older men are celebrated. How misogynistic of a society do we have to be for women's values to decrease and men's values to expand with age?

Furthermore, I hugely dislike the fact that an older man who is of bachelor status is still considered highly dateable, while a single woman of any age is seen as a failure, or worse — spinster. 

When I admit to being attracted to older men, I feel like I'm confirming the very narrative I want to dismantle. Like my love of older men is anti-feminist. I don't want to buy into the narrative we're fed, but maybe I can't help it. Is it culture, psychology, or just me?

It sure doesn't do me any favours. The general perception of a woman who likes older men pretty consistently is that she has "daddy issues." And although I definitely sought out my strict Italian father's approval rather heavily in my teen and early adult years, I've never wanted a daddy in the bedroom.

Once, I tried to utter the word mid-act (because a man practically begged me to), but the ginormous cringe-factor wouldn't allow it out of my mouth. 

Although having "daddy issues" isn't a clinical diagnosis, it's commonly known as pop-culture shorthand for a young woman who struggles with unresolved attachment wounds, neglect or inconsistent parenting, often by a father figure.

In attachment theory, the dynamic is often linked to anxious or avoidant attachment styles: difficulty trusting, craving validation, or fearing abandonment. The stereotype tends to oversimplify, but at its core, it's about how unmet childhood needs echo into adult relationships.

Many would probably say I've got a classic case of daddy issues — in other words, my dad didn't clap enough at the school play, so now I'm looking for applause in the bedroom.

"When children grow up with an unavailable or inconsistent parent, they often internalise the belief that love is unreliable," said Dr. Lindsay Gibson in her book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. "In adulthood, this can manifest as an anxious pursuit of closeness or a defensive avoidance of intimacy."

And look, I can maybe diagnose myself with a light case of this in my late teens and very early twenties. I wanted my dad's approval and never felt I quite got there, which made f***ing my hot daddy-esque boss really appealing. At least he approves of me!

I probably thought, at the time. But also maybe I didn't? Maybe I liked how well he communicated within intimacy, which allowed me to more easily let go? Maybe I felt respected by him? That I could learn something from him? 

My partner is turning 39 in a few days and I find him infinitely attractive. I love his salt-and-pepper beard, his impressively large vocabulary, his ability to listen and the confidence he has to pick me up at any given time.

I feel safe with him. Safer than I've ever felt with a self-indulgent guy in his twenties.

"I've never been into guys my age," writes Laura Roscioli. Image: Instagram

So clearly, it wasn't just a phase of seeking male approval. I can say, for the first time in my adult life with confidence, that I don't need the approval of male affection to feel good about myself.

That's not to say I didn't once, but if I was simply into older men because of that past need, why would I still be into them now?

Maybe it's that some older men, simply by virtue of having lived more, are less enabled by patriarchy (or their own awareness) to be immature, self-indulgent boys.

Maybe what I'm really attracted to is emotional equality — and it just tends to show up with men who've had more time to grow into themselves.

Maybe being older doesn't signify "father figure" at all. Maybe it just means being capable of boundaries, consideration of hormonal mood swings, food allergies, not taking everything as a personal blow to their fragile ego, finally "capable of meeting me where I am."

Maybe we've romanticised older men so much as a forbidden desire, that we've created a generalised sexual taboo cast across any woman who dares be genuinely into a man older than her because of who he is.

Of course, there are older men who have used their power — cultural or age-related — to get into the pants of younger women, for their own fragile ego. But I don't think that's every older man. At least, not in my world.

So maybe the better question isn't why older men still have a hold on me, but why we're so desperate to explain it away.

Read more about dating and relationships:

• 36 weirdly revealing questions that will make you fall in love.

• 'To the dude who stood me up last night... Sir, you've earned yourself a Google review.'

• 'I'd been in a relationship with dating apps longer than anyone I met on them. So I did something drastic.'

Feature image: Instagram @lauraroscioli.