Attention single people: Please do not purchase this product.

By RACHEL CORBETT

In all the years of buying colourful wristbands to support worthy causes I never thought the day would come when the charity case needing its awareness raised would be me.

But thanks to the good people at ‘My Single World’, those of us who do not yet have a ring on it, can put a silicone wristband on it instead, in the hopes of heralding our availability to other unattached individuals… as if the whiff of desperation wasn’t enough.

The brains behind this operation are Rina Mardahl and Rob Young who met and fell in love while on holiday and then decided to create a product that could help singles identify each other and partner off.

And while it’s clear their intentions were absolutely honourable, someone should have told them that the only thing single people like less than being told by a couple ‘you’ll find someone’, is said couple mass producing a product that highlights them as a prime target for Pet’s Paradise when they’re handing out their ‘Buy 9 Cats Get Your 10^th Cat Free’ cards.

Rina M and Rob Y, or ‘MY’ as they refer to themselves (kill me), have created a range of brightly coloured wristbands emblazoned with the words ‘future’, ‘destiny’ and ‘fate’ which I guess beats the other option of just getting the post-doping scandal hand me downs from Lance Armstrong’s charity and changing the ‘Livestrong’ to ‘DieAlone’

Has it really come to this?  I mean, I know that being in a relationship is a wonderful thing, but it happens when it happens and if you haven’t met Mr Right, is he really going to come along any quicker if you douse yourself in ‘Eau de Impregnate Me Now’ and try sniffing him out like a truffle pig?  After all, if he never materialises turkey basters are a steal at $25 on Amazon these days, so what have you got to worry about?

On their website Rina and Rob ask us to “Imagine a world where all singles can be recognised by other singles…[creating] the opportunity for many new relationship encounters and experiences.’  It’s like they think the ovulation chart we carry around with us and the ‘WHERE IS HE?’ badge isn’t opening up enough doors already?  Nothing breaks the ice like a little “Hello, I’m ready to conceive.”  Am I right guys?

Despite my mildly toxic cynicism, I will admit that there is definitely something to be said for being able to identify if someone is in a relationship before you’re 45minutes into a conversation at a party and you’ve already decided on the names of all your children but, if you’re wandering around with a wristband on that screams ‘I’m available’, you’re not really sending the message necessary to separate the wheat from the chaff on the dating scene.  In fact, I’m pretty sure nobody ever found the person who was willing to change their colostomy bag in their twilight years, by setting the bar at ‘has a heart beat’.

They don’t go attaching ‘On Special’ signs to the ‘premium’ meat at the deli so why would you put one on yourself unless you’re trying to send the message that you need to be snapped up quickly or you’ll go off? It’s like the romantic equivalent of advertising yourself as a salmonella risk.

Plus, the number of things that can go wrong if your approach to dating is ‘find guy with wristband’ are endless. Imagine you’re at a party and across the room you see a tall, dark, handsome stranger wearing a coloured bracelet.

You quickly glance in the mirror to make sure you’re still looking your best and glide across the room ready for your date with destiny.  You strike up a conversation, lightly peppered with some of your best attempts at witty banter, and just as everything seems to be going well you glance down at his wrist and…

a) See that it says ‘cystic fibrosis’ on it and after a few more minutes of conversation you realise you’ve just hit on a guy who’s been going through the nightmarish ordeal of caring for a child with a debilitating illness, and on a rare night out with his wife (who is currently in the bathroom), he thought he would show his support for the worthy cause that has held his family together through some of the most trying years of his life.

b) You see tattooed across his fingers ‘I LUV VAG!’ – just because he’s single and wearing the wristband doesn’t mean he’s not a dickhead.

c) You notice he’s wearing the correct wristband and so, buoyed with optimism and a sense of fate working it’s magic, you ask him if he’d like to go for a drink sometime, to which he replies ‘sorry, I’m not really interested’.  And then, not only have you been rejected, you’ve been rejected by a bloke wearing a fluorescent pink bracelet with the word ‘destiny’ on it, who is apparently desperate enough to put himself in the dating ‘sale’ bin, but not desperate enough to allow you to be the one that snaps up the ‘bargain’.

I think it’s fair to say no good can come from this.

Rachel Corbett hosts Triple M’s national Drive Show ‘Merrick and the Highway Patrol and is a writer/performer on ABC2’s ‘The Roast.’ You can follow her on Twitter here.

Single bracelets – would you wear one?