For years, victim-survivors have been told they were 'asking for it'. It's time for change.

Content Warning: This story includes mentions of child sexual abuse and sexual assault that may be distressing to some readers.

Consent.

It's the red-hot national subject that's led to difficult yet necessary conversations and a serious examination of Australia's attitudes towards women.

Australian investigative journalist Jess Hill says she has never shied away from these topics, well known for her work on the widely acclaimed documentary on domestic abuse, See What You Made Me Do, led by director Tosca Looby.

In 2021, there was a seismic cultural reckoning, which shone a light on the epidemic of violence against women in this country. Hill and a seriously talented team then set out on a mission to spark discussions on consent and sexual violence with their docuseries Asking For It on SBS.

"This is the sort of conversation that wants to go back underground. We needed to give it renewed energy. How do we take all this depth of trauma and transform the way it's responded to?" Hill explains to Mamamia. 

Overall, society's understanding of consent remains fairly limited. The stigma remains too, a common victim-blaming response being 'she was asking for it'.

That in particular is a sentiment that survivor-advocate Grace Tame unpacks in the docuseries — the fact she so often was made to feel like she was complicit in the abuse she endured as a girl at school. 

Jess Hill and Grace Tame. Image: SBS.

"It was really great to have Grace involved in this project. She spoke of fawning, when the victim feels threatened by the perpetrator. As a trauma response, they want to avoid conflict with appeasement as a method of survival. And fawning is of course not consent," Hill says.

Fellow survivor-advocate Saxon Mullins also shares her story in Asking For It, speaking with the docuseries' director Tosca Looby.

"Saxon is a very careful and thoughtful person who has really thought a lot about how her experience can be related to the broader experience of sexual violence," Hill says. 

"She's an incredible role model in this area and the work she has done to reform laws, which in turn will cross over into education, is amazing."

Interestingly, childhood consent educators explained in Asking For It that age-appropriate consent education should begin from as young as age three. 

It comes as statistics show that young boys between 15 and 19 have the highest offending rate of any age group when it comes to sexual assault.

So the earlier the consent education, the better. 

"From the personal experience of having a five-year-old daughter, our conversations began early on. In her playgroups, consent was a daily discussion, talking about body boundaries and listening if someone doesn't want to be touched or hugged. And learning that if they don't want to be hugged, it's not a rejection, it's a personal feeling that needs to be respected," Hill says. 

"If a five-year-old can learn the basic consent language and personal boundaries down pat, then young adults are more than capable too."

Richie Hardcore is a public speaker on masculinity, mental health and gendered violence, regularly doing workshops and speaking events directed at young boys. 

He notes in Asking For It that pornography can normalise really poor understandings of consent. 

On mainstream porn sites, around half of the clips depict physical aggression towards women who often look like they 'want it'. But what it really represents is a blurred boundary of consent.

Hill agrees that part of the porn industry has something to answer for.

"What we're talking about is mainstream, hetero-normative, violent, misogynistic porn — not ethically produced porn. In so much of the mainstream content, the woman is having rough sex and little foreplay. At points, she looks as though she is resisting but 'enjoying' at the same time," Hill says.

"That's the harmful element of porn. Not watching people have sex, but the way it's so often portrayed. Kids are watching this content from such a young age, and often it's their only form of sex education — for the man to be in charge and for the girl to submit to whatever he wants."

Watch the trailer for Asking For It. Post continues below.

One group who have succeeded in the consent conversation is the sexual kink community — many of whom are featured in the docuseries.

Hill went to one of the kink meet-ups and witnessed "some of the most sophisticated conversations I've ever heard about consent". 

"They have the language to talk about these things and use it well. Plus, it shows that we can still have great sex with lots of negotiation and affirmative, enthusiastic consent."

But it will take time for the tide to turn. 

In the meantime, as we continue to push for an end to violence against women and a stronger understanding of consent, victim-survivors are navigating what to do next.

One of the most memorable moments in Asking For It is when Hill watches a woman *Hope come forward to a female detective senior sergeant and share her story.

Hope says: "I haven't really talked about this to anybody. I haven't told my family. I haven't told my husband. It's taken 29 years for me to come in [to the police station] and I'm not really sure if you will believe my story."

Hill says it's something that will stick with her for a long time to come.

Another powerful story comes from Shirley Jülich, a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

Jülich used her background in social services and academia to join a band of researchers in designing a New Zealand model of restorative justice to address sexual violence. It's a process brokered between specialists trained to mediate a conversation between victims and perpetrators of sexual assault.

"Shirley co-founded Project Restore and it's for victim-survivors who have lost faith in the justice system, or for those who don't feel that it's the appropriate avenue for them," Hill explains. 

"Restorative justice in Australia is still quite limited and it isn't a relevant option to all — but it seems like a really worthwhile thing to explore."

Hill has been doing work in the realm of advocacy for years now. There is of course a mental load associated with it. But it's work that Hill continues doing because it often "feels like we're at the bottom of the mountain in making change".

"Sometimes I really question whether I want to keep doing the work that I'm doing. It's not just the heaviness of the topic, which obviously has its own vicarious trauma. But it's also the precariousness of the conversations that happen around us," she says.

"What we're doing is putting out as best as we can an overview of where this conversation is at, hoping it will land with love and sensitivity."

And that's exactly what Asking For It is — Hill and her team's take on the consent conversation.

Ultimately, what the docuseries asks is how can we change Australia's rape culture into consent culture. But how far away are we from achieving this?

"The answer to that question depends on when you talk to me. Sometimes it feels impossible. Other times, it feels like we're on the verge," Hill says. 

"I believe it was Jane Gilmore who noted you could fill the Melbourne Cricket Ground twice over with all the women and girls raped in a single year in Australia. And for the men convicted of rape in that year, it would fit the size of the member's bar every time.

"So until we feel confident that everyone is having a sophisticated conversation about consent, we need to keep talking and urging people in power to make the change."

Asking For It premieres on SBS on Thursday April 20 2023 at 08:30pm, and is available to watch on SBS On Demand.

*Hope is an alias used in the docuseries to protect the woman's identity. 

If this has raised any issues for you, or if you just feel like you need to speak to someone, please call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) – the national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service.

If this brings up any issues for you, contact Bravehearts, an organisation dedicated to the prevention and treatment of child sexual abuse, on 1800 272 831.

Feature Image: SBS.