Dear World, stop asking women if they're pregnant.

By REBECCA SPARROW

Oh Jennifer Garner, I love you.

Yesterday the actress went on Ellen to clear up those ‘baby bump’ rumours that have been hounding her for the past few months.

Here’s how it went down according to People:

“I get congratulated all the time by people I know. This one woman who had babysat for us said, ‘Oh, my gosh! I can’t wait for No. 4,’ and I thought, ‘What is going on?’ ” Garner said. “So I asked around and apparently I have a baby bump, and I’m here to tell you that I do!”

After much applause Garner pointed out that she wasn’t actually PREGNANT.

It’s called THE SHAPE OF A WOMAN’S STOMACH AFTER SHE’S HAD THREE KIDS.

“I am not pregnant, but I have had three kids and there is a bump,” said Garner, shooting down speculation that she and husband Ben Affleck were expecting baby No. 4 after paparazzi photos over the summer showed her with a bit of a rounded tummy.

“From now on, ladies, I will have a bump, and it will be my baby bump. It’s not going anywhere,” she said. “Its name is Violet, Sam and Sera.”

Take a look:

Jennifer, I hear you sister.

Last week I made the grave error of going to a yoga class.  I don’t know why. I think I was drunk. Anyway, off I went with my yoga mat and my fine self ready to downward dog my way to better flexibility and a more Zen attitude.

But things didn’t go well.

Do you know why they didn’t go well?  Because within 10 minutes of being in the yoga studio, a fellow yogee (?) who I don’t actually know came up to me, put her hand on my stomach and said, “So are you pregnant?”

Are you with me?

SHE PUT HER HAND ON MY STOMACH and asked if I was PREGNANT.

To which I said, “Nope. Nope not pregnant. I’m just fat.”

And then I left the yoga class and cried in my car and went home to make myself a t-shirt that says, “I’ve had four children in six years. BACK OFF.”

And can I just wonder aloud why she put her hand on my stomach? Do I in fact look so far along in my “pregnancy” that she suspected she could feel the baby move?

Oh Australia, Australia, I thought we’d had this conversation. I thought we’d had it many, many, many times.

For the love of Amal Alamuddin – you do not at any time ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless the woman has said something specific like, “Hey, I’m pregnant!”  or YOU CAN SEE THE BABY CROWNING.

You with me?

Don’t we all know this already?

NEVER ASK A WOMAN IF SHE IS PREGNANT.

Never ask because if a woman is actually trying to conceive (or CAN’T conceive) then being asked about it is an emotional horror story for her.  And if she can conceive but ISN’T ACTUALLY PREGNANT — it’s an entirely different emotional horror story.

Trust me.

So zip it.

Back to me and Yoga Woman.  Well the old vengeful me of course would have gone home, eaten an entire bucket of Ben and Jerry’s ice-cream and sent this woman an email virus.

But the new me is more Zen.  Fat (apparently) but Zen. Like Buddha.

After all, I know for a fact Yoga Woman feels worse about our conversation than I do. Plus we’ve all – at some point in our lives – shot our mouth off and said something stupid without thinking. So I’m choosing to be like Elsa and letting it go.

Like that third custard tart … Or not. 

And you know what? The truth is I am carrying far too much fat around my stomach and I know that’s not a good thing since it’s linked to cardiovascular disease and type two diabetes amongst other things.

So it’s actually made me even more determined to shed a few extra pounds. Not to be thin just to shed those extra kilos.

But I’ll always have a bump and mine is called Ava, Georgie, Fin and Quincy.  And the world? Well it can just deal with it.