'I was raised in a "guess family" then married into an "ask family". It blew my mind.'

Early on in my marriage, I noticed something strange happening.

It was like there were crossed wires, constant little miscommunications between my husband and I — it was like we were speaking slightly different languages.

For example, we might pass a new café, and I'd say "oh, that place looks interesting."

In my head, I'd communicated wanting to go to the new café with my husband sometime.

But to him, all I had done was make a statement about something new in the neighbourhood. We would both get frustrated, either by the indirect communication style or the inability to pick up on implied meaning.

Well, I've figured out now exactly why this kept happening, and it turns out it's because you're either raised in an ask family or a guess family.

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Most of us grow up in either an 'ask culture' or a 'guess culture,' and it shapes how we talk and interact with other people well into adulthood.

I first heard about this concept through a Medium article, but the whole theory seems to have originated from this Reddit thread.

Basically, it's the theory that in some families, you grow up with the expectation that it's OK to ask for anything at all, but you realise you might get no for an answer. Whereas in guess culture, you avoid putting a request into words unless you're pretty sure the answer will be yes. Guess culture depends on a tight net of shared expectations.

These communication styles are obviously pretty different. Having grown up in a guess family, and then married into an ask family, I was reminded of this dynamic again when we visited both sets of relatives over the recent Christmas break.

Neither style is necessarily better or worse than the other. It's just a different way of relating and communicating. But when you're switching between different styles or joining a family with a different style, it can sometimes lead to conflicting expectations — someone is saying one thing, but the recipient thinks they are saying another.

If you're a guess person, direct requests from an ask person can seem presumptuous and out of line.

Whereas if you're an ask person, a guess person's behaviour seems inconsistent and rife with passive aggression.

A guess person might say "oh, I think I heard the washing machine finish."

To another guess culture person, the message is clear — I am letting you know your load is done, and I want you to hang it out because I need the machine. Otherwise, why mention it?

Well, to an ask culture person, this statement reads just like that — a statement. There's no direct request being made, and the implied request isn't automatically understood.

A different example might be, an ask culture person saying, "Hey, let's meet for a drink after work."

To the guess person, this request is possibly received as a demand or expectation being placed on them. They assume saying no will cause offence and so might skirt around the issue with excuses or apologies.

Meanwhile, another ask person might understand that the offer is just an offer, and feel free to say "No, not this time."

It's been an interesting dynamic to navigate with my husband and we've learned how to communicate well with each other. Sometimes I need to be really direct. If I need the bins taken out before dinner, I need to say: "I need the bins taken out before dinner." Early in our marriage, I would feel I was being rude or demanding, but actually what my husband found more frustrating was my indirectness. Vaguely mentioning the bins being full doesn't communicate what I'm really trying to ask.

The reality is, that while we all need to learn to hear and accept other people's 'no,' when you are consistently only hearing no, it gets exhausting and disheartening. Guess culture stems from a desire to reduce the amount of 'no' someone both has to say and hear.

It's interesting to note here that there is certainly a gendered element about ask and guess framing of questions. Men generally feel freer to ask directly for what they want, but when women do so they are seen as demanding or bossy. Women are also more likely to suffer for saying 'no' to direct requests if the refusal is not couched in polite, apologetic language.

Psychologist Carly Dober from Enriching Lives Psychology told Mamamia, "Sometimes asking, depending on culturally what you are used to, can sometimes be seen as rude or obnoxious, but this also depends on what you are asking and what the cultural norms are for the person or the country."

"Some people are also not used to direct communication so they might not know how to navigate this."

I've certainly seen this dynamic at play: when someone from a guess culture does not feel empowered to say no, the ask culture person can easily (accidentally) steam roll their feelings and desires. Being able to slow down, check in, and sometimes be less direct or more forthright can help with this.

However Dober insisted it is always better to be direct.

"Strengths from an ask culture include shared understanding, effective planning and communication, demonstrating to others that direct questions can be helpful, and it typically leaves less open to interpretation which can mean less misunderstanding," she told Mamamia.

"There are so many weaknesses in guessing. It leaves much open to be misunderstood or misinterpreted, and is simply not an effective way to communicate."

Ultimately, learning to use both types of communication has already strengthened and benefited my relationships with members on both sides of my family.

Rather than getting frustrated by different styles, my husband and I have just learned to acknowledge and appreciate the differences.

Feature Image: Supplied.