
If you are struggling with an eating disorder, confidential support is available via the The Butterfly Foundation. Call 1800 ED HOPE to speak to a trained counsellor.
For years now, I’ve watched even the strongest people around me crumble and break down over my illness. My mind has been chaos, my body has been a mess and my life has been in grave danger. But even still, I wasn’t ready to change.
I’ve had six hospital admissions since my diagnosis of Anorexia Nervosa. Every single one of them was voluntary (though in some respects, there were a few occurrences where I wasn’t really given an option). I’ve never been fed through a tube or had to have serious medical intervention, but if I had refused to be admitted I would’ve come close.
It’s quite a common conundrum, though; choosing to go into hospital to ‘get well’ and wanting ‘recovery’ so bad, yet knowing how to play the system to your greatest advantage and still having a drive to lose weight or an inexplicable fear of putting it on when you come out. It is just such a battle with your mind and body that you can’t explain to anybody who has never experienced it.
In September of 2017, after I was discharged from my most recent hospital admission I went on a date with a boy. Someone from my past with whom I’d previously shared a little bit of romantic history but never anything serious. So I wasn’t taking it seriously this time.
However, as days turned into weeks and weeks into months, I grew to liking him quite a lot (which was an utterly confusing emotion for me – how was there even room in my brain for somebody else?). As much as I hoped the feeling was reciprocated (not the confusion, the liking me back part) and even though I think I knew deep down that he was actually quite fond of me (go figure), I was petrified it wasn’t going to go anywhere. I thought that he was still just having fun, so I was still fucking around with food all day and engaging in restrictive behaviours. I guess in a sense, I was also scared that if I did make significant weight gain, he would no longer find me attractive.