Amy Schumer just learned the 5 incontrovertible rules of being a new mum.

When you’re a new mum, you learn very quickly that there’s a fine line between being funny and honest, and breaking the rules.

Of course, it’s not quite clear who invented the rules. But it’s hard to ignore the people responsible for maintaining them.

When Amy Schumer posted a photo of herself in maternity underwear earlier this week, the rule-enforcers very much came out in plain sight.

‘Excuse us,’ they yelled. ‘We want you to be a relatable mum, but not like that.’

Why? Because babies are beautiful, motherhood is beautiful, but sharing a candid and normal photo of yourself wearing maternity briefs isn’t quite in line with how women are meant to behave.

Not when we’re used to seeing new mums posing in bikinis, or underwear, having seemingly removed their maternity pad for the sole purpose of getting a good photo.

Why look like this:

 

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5 weeks. Hospital underwear for life!

A post shared by @ amyschumer on Jun 8, 2019 at 11:24am PDT

When you could look like this:

 

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POST BIRTH RECOVERY PHOTO – WEEK 1 vs WEEK 2.⁣ ⁣ I was not expecting much change AT ALL week to week as I have mostly just been resting… and staring at Arna until she wakes up ????. The human body is honestly just incredible!!! ⁣ ⁣ To be clear, I’m not posting these as ‘transformations posts’, nor am I concerned with my weight loss post pregnancy. I’m simply showing you my journey, which many of the #BBGcommunity have asked to see. I’m so excited to go on this journey. ⁣ ⁣ #BBGmums what changes did you notice in your body during your post birth recovery time??? I’m so interested to hear about your experiences! Also, does anyone have any questions about my post pregnancy experiences? Comment below and I’ll try address them in future posts! ⁣ ⁣ www.kaylaitsines.com/app⁣

A post shared by KAYLA ITSINES (@kayla_itsines) on May 15, 2019 at 2:42pm PDT

Just five weeks ago, Amy Schumer gave birth to her son, Gene, with husband Chris Fisher.

To many people, Schumer’s message is incredible, as it has been from the start of her motherhood journey. She hilariously nailed the realities of pregnancy in her Netflix special, Growing, and now, the candid baby snaps of her in a natural state of being are making many mothers relate hard.

But to others, she’s doing motherhood very, very wrong.

They’ve drawn the line in the comments:

“Put some decent clothes on and grow up.”

“I’m sorry but I think your taking this whole ‘natural’ thing to an extreme … brush your hair and put some decent clothing on. Child birth is a great thing but you don’t have to let yourself go in return.”

“Are you blind?” (In response to someone calling Schumer beautiful.)

That seems like… intense feedback.

Maybe the problem is that Schumer, and other new mums, aren’t aware of The 5 Incontrovertible Rules of Being a New Mum.

The unwritten (and often entirely contradictory) rules that dictate how you’re meant to look, behave, and interact with your baby, as well as which jokes you’re allowed to make and which ones you’re definitely not.

So for anyone who is a new mum, knows a new mum, or might one day be a new mum, here are the rules, just to avoid confusion (note: these are satirical, and are not intended to be followed. By anyone. Ever)

One must be honest, but not… vulgar.

Yes, you can joke about being sleep deprived or share your struggle with mastitis. But as soon as you’re like, ‘Legit: this is what I look like now, I haven’t slept in weeks, my undies are huge, my boobs hurt, I haven’t brushed my hair and I don’t care because I’m busy caring for a tiny human,’ YOU’RE SHATTERING THE ILLUSION OF BEING AN EARTH MOTHER AND IT’S OFFENSIVE TO HUMANITY.

Ma’am… none of us are, or ever have been, earth mothers. And the purpose of motherhood isn’t to look good while doing it.

Lactation stains, yes. Sh*t stains, no.

Lactation stains are funny because they remind people of boobs, which they like. Sh*t stains are not funny. They remind us all of traumatic times.

You may have a messy bun, but not a messy… life.

Messy buns say ‘I’m covered in a light layer of sweat from running after my child in my fitted activewear’. Not wearing pants (or tops for that matter) says ‘IDGAF WHAT I LOOK LIKE’. Which is confronting. Because if women stopped caring what they looked like… entire industries would cease to exist.

Oops.

Be a post-partum tummy role model. 

Not like Kate Middleton, who dared to look less and less swollen on the steps of the Lindo Wing, in increasingly shorter time spans, with each heir. Find a middle ground, like Meghan Markle; visible tummy, but still Hollywood AF.

 

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Today The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are delighted to share their first public moment as a family. They are so incredibly grateful for the warm wishes and support they’ve received from everyone around the world, since welcoming their son two days ago. Photo cred: Chris Allerton ©️SussexRoyal

A post shared by The Duke and Duchess of Sussex (@sussexroyal) on May 8, 2019 at 6:34am PDT

Under no circumstances do you ever ‘let yourself go’.

This means adhering to social standards of what it means to look ‘decent’ at all times; i.e. fully clothed. Unless you’re super sexy like Miranda Kerr, then yes, please bring on all the side-boob photos as you think we can handle.

Unfortunately, by being entirely raw, honest and unfiltered, Amy Schumer has broken precisely all the rules for being a new mum.

And we bloody love it.

Nama Winston has had a decade-long legal career (paid), and a decade-long parenting career (unpaid). Now a Mamamia Contributor and freelance writer, Nama uses her past experience as a lawyer to discuss everything from politics, to parenting. You can follow her on Instagram: @namawinston and Facebook: @NamaWinston

More on this topic:

• ‘The sh*t that goes down in the first year with a baby that no one will admit to you.’
• ‘I spent the first six weeks of being a mum visiting my baby in hospital.’
• “There is no one else”: The unique mental load of being a single parent.