After her divorce, Amantha tried everything to find love. Then she made a spreadsheet.

Dating is hard at the best of times. But dating after divorce? Well, that's a whole different ball game.

For organisational psychologist Amantha Imber, that reality came in 2019 when, after 13 years of marriage, she found herself facing the world of online dating.

"It's a whole other world. It is so strange," she told MID, Mamamia's podcast for Gen X women who are anything but.

Watch: Amantha Imber chats to MID host Holly Wainwright. Post continues below.

When Amantha made the decision to start dating again, it was just a few months after her separation. Deep down, she knew she wanted to find someone new.

"One of my values is that life is best shared with someone… so I knew that I wanted to take finding a new partner really seriously," she said.

But the world of dating had changed dramatically since her first marriage. Apps, once a novelty, had become the primary way of meeting new people.

"I was with my ex-husband for 13 years, so there were definitely no apps," she said.

Initially, Amantha tried Bumble. But it felt overwhelming and unfamiliar.

"I was very reliant on the apps… The apps were really the main way to meet people," she reflects on dating during the pandemic.

Listen to Amantha Imber talk dating after divorce on Mamamia's MID podcast. Post continues below.

A strategic approach to dating.

Amantha was busy, and we all know how time-consuming dating can be, so she knew she needed a strategy.

"Time is finite... I've got a daughter that is with me 50 per cent of the time. I've got friends, I've got family... and I carved out time for dating, but I wanted to make sure it was well-spent," she said.

Enter: her cut-throat dating approach.

"I had to try to develop other heuristics, like things that would just help me shortcut decision-making," she explained. "If you agonise over every single person that you're looking at on an app, it's a never-ending task."

For Amantha, the dating process was less about "the one" and more about quality over quantity.

"I probably went on about 51 first dates," she says. Some were good; others, not so much.

And when the dates didn't click, she didn't hesitate to make an exit. "If we're both sitting there and there's clearly no connection, [I'd] just call it early."

She had a simple 45-minute rule. If there was no spark by then, she'd cut the date short. Sometimes she was brutally honest. Other times, she'd invent a reason to leave.

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It's an experience most of us know all too well. And Amantha is no stranger to feeling drained after several dud dates.

"I would call my best friend, and I'd say, 'I've just been on another date and it didn't work. Are my standards too high? Am I expecting too much? What am I doing wrong?," she said.

But she held onto hope.

"Somewhere inside of me, I did feel truly optimistic, even though there were lots of low points and lots of nights just feeling really lonely and discouraged," she said.

It's that little sliver of hope that got her through, "because the apps can be incredibly depressing". 

Listen to MID's episode on the midlife dating pool. Post continues below.

A dating experiment gone wrong.

Determined to keep an open mind, she eventually changed her approach to dating. Instead of cutting dates short after one meeting, she decided to "default to a second date" unless there was a red flag. But after two years of relentless dating, her optimism began to wane.

"I just thought, I'm so over this. Surely there's got to be a better way of finding people."

That's when she took a more… unusual route. She decided to crowd source potential dates, making a list of 50 acquaintances for suggestions.

"I opened up Excel, and I created a spreadsheet, and I wrote down all these people's names, and then I put together a one-page brief of what I was looking for," she said.

The brief was simple, but it forced Amantha to think long and hard about what she wanted from a partner.

"I think that's something I really discounted when I was dating in my 20s, where I think I sort of focused on the superficial things," she said.

Now, there was one thing front and centre: kindness.

"I wanted someone who, at their core, was just a beautiful, kind person. And I feel that now, in my 40s, I understand how important that is for a relationship."

She even offered a charity incentive for every date she went on thanks to their help, but despite her best efforts, "the experiment was an utter failure". Not a single date came from her ambitious outreach. Still, she kept going.

Amantha turned to acquaintances to find prospective dates and, well… it failed. Image: Supplied.

Learning to trust love again.

Then, in 2022, Amantha met Neo. Unlike the dozens of matches before him, something felt different about him right away.

Their first phone call set the tone for what was to come.

"I used to have this rule that I wouldn't let a phone conversation go over an hour, so I don't form projections about who they might be," Amantha said.

The rule was broken with Neo. After 90 minutes, she knew there was something special about him.

Their first date was bowling — "it was fun and it was silly, and it was light-hearted and it was flirty". And by the end of the night, she felt a genuine connection. But beyond the initial spark, Amantha took her time.

"I became really good at keeping an eye on whether words matched actions," she said. It was a crucial part of building trust.

And even in the early days of their relationship, Amantha continued to reflect on her approach. Therapy helped her make sense of her own attachment style — "I have an anxious attachment system... which can confuse anxiety with lust or love." But Neo's consistency calmed her anxieties.

"I didn't feel that kind of anxiety that I in past situations had mistaken for falling in love. It just felt really safe, and I don't think I'd experienced that with anyone that I dated."

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Eventually, Amantha introduced Neo to her daughter, Frankie. It was a careful, intentional process. After six months of dating, she felt confident that Neo was here to stay. She meticulously planned their first meeting, creating a relaxed, fun atmosphere at home, where they made pizzas together. Despite a dough disaster, the meeting was a success.

Now, Neo and Amantha are preparing to get married.

Reflecting on her journey, Amantha's advice is simple: "Get really clear on what you're looking for, and what you won't compromise on."

And for her, kindness and emotional maturity were non-negotiable.

You can listen to more episodes of MID here.

Amantha is the creator of the innovation business Inventium, and hosts the podcast How I Work. You can learn more about her and follow her work here.

Feature image: Instagram/amanthai.