'There's a stranger in my bed.' How to overcome feelings of alienation in marriage.

Since the beginning of COVID-19, yearly divorce rates in Australia have spiked immensely – from circa 45,000 pre-2020 to reaching highs of 49,625 in the last couple of years.

These figures are likely related to the pandemic, but when you dive into the crux of the situation, the finer details such as “Was there any remediation?” and “How did it fall apart?” aren’t shown.

But first, did you know that there's a law about the alienation of affection? Watch this video. Post continues below.

Statistics demonstrate women choose to leave a marriage about five years before they actually commit to leaving. For many women, there is a significant shame about experiencing difficulty in their marriage. In that five-year period, they silently grieve, withdrawing from their regular activities.

This is when the work should happen to ensure you have the best shot to remediate.

When a marriage is experiencing difficulty, early intervention is crucial to salvage it. This early intervention involves the inner work of the relationship, exploring deeply the couple's history, the current difficulties and understanding each other from the other's background. 

When the relationship is in trouble, this inner relationship work needs to occur with the help and support of experts, including couples counselling to provide mediated support to forgive, repair, and find that spark again. Couples counselling often goes hand-in-hand with psychology. The problem is, that too many couples seek counselling well after the early intervention period and miss the critical point at which repair is possible.

Here, I walk through what you need to do if you're experiencing alienation within your marriage. 

It takes two to tango.

While you may not be the cause of the issue in the marriage, it is helpful to determine how your behaviour, patterns and reactions may come into the dynamics of the marriage. The earlier you act, the higher the chance of success of prolonging your marriage with your partner.

Even if you enter marriage mediation well past the early intervention stages, there is always hope of repair.

Marriage mediation is aimed at keeping couples together by setting ground rules for reconnecting with each other. This is done by tackling the foundational issues, which very often are a lack of communication and a lack of appropriate prioritisation of time.

More common than you think.

I have experienced this difficulty in my marriage. About five years ago, my husband was working nights, and I was working days. We never saw each other. We had a small child, and we centred our priority in our relationship solely on our child, not on each other.

Before I knew it, we became strangers.

We had no idea how to communicate with each other, or how to reconnect. The simplest of communications began to feel like an attack, like a barrage of criticisms with pinches of back-handed comments acting like a poison to our connection.

We were constantly on the defence and, unfortunately, constantly suspicious of each other’s actions.

Silence is deadly.

We called out the elephant in the room.

Namely, that we had not prioritised our relationship, and we had allowed ourselves to become estranged. My once true love became a stranger in the home, a shadow in the bed and merely a vision of my past. 

We sought therapy and committed to undertaking the exercises they gave us and we agreed to partake in marriage mediation. Here, we discussed our concerns, exploring what worked for us and what didn’t.

We were unified in our resolve to solve the problem but very much misaligned with how to approach and action it. Fortunately, the marriage mediator allowed us to refocus on the problem at hand. 

Side note: Feminism is very down on marriage right now, and Jessie is cross. Listen to Mamamia Out Loud where the hosts talk about feminism in marriage. Post continues below.

We sat down and really investigated what it is that we were willing to do to save our marriage with a third-party mediator who helped keep us in the present and future-focused instead of getting distracted by the past. 

When going to marriage mediation is it crucial to understand the difference between counselling and mediation. Marriage mediation is about coming to an agreement that is future-focused, it hones in on what you are prepared to do as an individual to salvage your marriage. What do the day-to-day activities look like and who will be responsible for what. It takes commitment and resolve. We get down to the business of what needs to happen to get things back on track.

When it's too little, too late.

However, for some, it can be too little too late. Unfortunately, sometimes even trying everything might not even save your marriage. It is important that during this period you take care of yourself and remind yourself that even if your marriage breaks down; you are not a failure.

If separation is on the cards, you need to find the right support network. 

The moment that separation becomes a reality you need to consult with a Psychologist to assist you to navigate the next few months and deal with the big emotions that will come up. The quicker this is done the more likely you are to avoid a lengthy court process. 

You should seek advice from your GP about supporting you through a time of stress. Look after your physical health. Prioritise sleep and eating well. Finally, make sure you see a collaboratively trained family lawyer and encourage your former spouse to see a collaboratively trained family lawyer, that way you are committed to resolving the dispute and not following the traditional divorce narrative.  

The author of this article created Detox Your Divorce, in order to provide an array of supports including, yoga, nutritional support, divorce coaching, grief coaching, financial support services and more. You can find out more here. 

Feature Image: Getty.