'I thought I was 'happy enough' with my husband. Then, I shook hands with my new colleague.'

There’s a great scene in Love Actually when Hugh Grant’s character (David - the British PM) meets his new staff, encountering Natalie for the first time. After some delightfully awkward first words and some choice swearing from Natalie – cue the just too long eye contact and lingering backward glance, Hugh/David shuffles his way into his office, closing the door – sighing and commenting to himself, "Oh no, that is so inconvenient."

I’ve been with my partner now for coming up to four years – we’re married and share two sons. At some point in the last six to eight months though, we both – at first with much emotion, tears and anger and then eventually with compassion and understanding for each other – realised that perhaps we weren’t really that well suited, but at the same time we weren’t unsuited. We love each other but are not in love. We respect each other, but there is no passion to speak of. We both enjoy our careers, enjoy spending time together with our kids and are generally happy.

Happiness. Such a loaded word and certainly one experienced on a spectrum. Blissfully happy? Well, no. Joyously, gratitude journal over-flowing, skipping down the road happy? Also no. But you know – happy, 6/10-7/10 on a good day. Isn’t that enough?

I was at peace with 6/10. At peace with building a life for my sons that featured two parents available to them at all times and finding sources of passion and joy in pursuits outside of my relationship: meaningful friendships, ticking off adventure and travel goals, accomplishments in my career, time spent with my parents and sibling. This was enough.

Until I had my own Love Actually moment when starting a new job.

When my new colleague shook my hand, I don’t think I’ve experienced an immediate level of attraction as intense and unexpected since I was a teenager – if ever. But I’m a mum, married – why am I literally blushing and feeling my tummy flip over a perfect stranger? Not unlike Hugh, my reaction wasn’t immediately – this is nice, this is fun – rather,this really is inconvenient. Over the coming days, weeks, months – what I thought was maybe just an initial chemical fission proved to have some more depth. There was an easy familiarity and rapport, intelligent and thoughtful conversation about real and personal topics and yes – a very present and not fading physical attraction.

While you're here, watch the Mamamia team answer the difference between physical and emotional affair. Post continues after video.

I’m married. My colleague is married. The boundaries and extent of what could happen are very clear for both of us.

Yet, the real frustration is that my once resolute resolve to persevere in a relationship that wasn’t ‘sparking joy’ has now really been shaken. What if I could feel real love and passion again? Be in a relationship where my days are more often 9/10 - or dare to dream, 10/10.

Do you preserve for the sake of children, the sake of the familiar and known, the sake of 'marriage' – 6/10 isn’t bad, right? There’s a lot to be said for simple companionship.

But what then, when we fast forward 20 years and the kids have moved out, will I suddenly be faced with an empty house and empty decades of life not lived to the happiest? Do I make a break and roll the dice that a better, perhaps more authentic life is out there – understanding that the gamble may not pay off and I’m left alone and answering questions down the track of, "Mummy why did you leave Daddy?". Is the answer, "Because I wanted to try and be my happiest self" a selfish one, an honest one, a defensible one? 

How morally 'wrong' is it to have a 'more than friends' relationship outside of your core relationship if it gives you the opportunity to feel more yourself than in years? I try to answer this for myself by imagining the shoe on the other foot, perhaps I’d feel differently if this wasn’t a hypothetical – but I do sincerely want my partner to be happy, if he found someone that gave him 10/10 vibes, would I really stand in the way? Would I have any right to given our mutual agreement that we’re both only in the relationship as companions rather than soul-mates?

The Christmas season, or post-Christmas season - is notorious for being the busiest month for family lawyers. More meetings for separation are booked in January than any other month of the year. Most cite time spent with in-laws pushing them over the edge, the financial stress of the season bringing things to a head, couples used to a 9-5 routine suddenly spending two weeks together and realising they don’t like each other.

Maybe we should really be pointing the finger at Hugh and Natalie and wondering if more people are having their own end-of-year inconvenient moments and questioning, "Is this enough?"

The author of this story is known to Mamamia but has chosen to remain anonymous for privacy reasons.

Feature Image: Getty.

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