'I left my miserable, sexless marriage. Then my ex-husband's friend made a drunken confession.'

For an entire year, my husband and I had issues. We had no respect for each other, we were fighting almost every day and we weren't having sex. So, when I made the decision to leave him, he wasn't shocked, he was relieved. 

After we split, I tried dating, but being in a long-term relationship meant I'd never immersed myself in the dating scene before. At night, I felt lonely sleeping in bed alone, and after not feeling valued by my ex for so long, I wanted validation and connection. So I downloaded a dating app. 

The first guy I spoke to was incredibly needy and controlling. He was a walking red flag. The next guy I spoke to turned out to be a drug dealer. So I deleted the apps. 

Watch: There are common mindsets women have towards dating when coming out of a toxic relationship or divorce. Post continues below.

Then, three months later, a close friend of mine and my ex-husband drunkenly admitted he had feelings for me. I took my time to think about it, but I realised I had feelings for him too. I'd been trying to suppress my feelings for him because he was friends with both me and my ex-husband. I realise this is a moral dilemma as old as time. 

So, being forthcoming and respectful, I asked my ex-husband how he would feel if I were to date this man, our friend. To my surprise, he expressed no concerns whatsoever. He said it would make him happy, and he would support the relationship 100 per cent. 

My interpretation of this was that he was unthreatened and pleased that I would have a new partner who didn't threaten his ego. From that moment on, me and my then-friend became partners. Due to our familiarity, we skipped the typical 'dating phase', and as I have a child, I knew I wanted to invest 100 per cent into our relationship and build the family dynamic I value so much. 

Those that were close to me in my life, such as my good friends, accepted our romantic relationship straight away. They felt that our relationship made sense. They knew I had always had a strong bond with him as a friend and they knew he was a good person who would treat me right. 

I left my ex-husband because I was chronically unhappy and I was scared about raising our child in an unhappy home. But, in leaving him, I also had such crippling fear that I had stripped my child of his family experience. 

This fear was fleeting, because with my new partner I also gained a new family, who I happen to adore and get along with so well. This feels like a dream, as family has always been one of my biggest values and priorities in life. My child and I were welcomed and accepted with open arms and not a single question.  I would've expected questions, as I felt from their perspective there might be some hesitation in accepting me given the non-conventional relationship dynamic that could've been quite complicated. 

Yet I was welcomed with open arms. I like to describe being accepted into their family as being "dragged in and revered". I've been invited to every family event, included, accepted and valued as a part of their family. 

The reaction from my own family was, sadly, incredibly different. There were insinuations of an affair, there was loyalty to my ex-husband, there were too many arguments to count. Plus, there was commentary such as "I thought you would have been single for at least a year". In response, I say, my own happiness shouldn't have to wait simply to meet the expectations of others. Isn't that the point of divorce? 

I felt the response from my family was combative and judgemental. Getting to the decision to divorce was an incredibly emotional journey. In my marriage, I struggled quietly. When I separated from my husband, I navigated it quietly. And when I got together with my new partner, I did it quietly. I carried so much shame for the failure of my marriage. 

I was so fearful of being judged. I wasn't one of those people that could openly admit I was struggling, or moving on. I wanted it to all go away, so I handled it quietly. Some have seen that as an admission of some sort of guilt, which is such a shame. 

Divorce really does show you who supports you, who you have in your corner and who you can count on. Experiencing my own divorce did not go at all how I imagined. I have now come out the other side of divorce with broken family relationships, stronger friendships and a whole new family with my new partner. I've won some and I've lost some. That's really what divorce all boils down to at the end of the day. 

My advice to anyone experiencing divorce, feel free to navigate it however you feel is right for you and your children (if there are children involved). Lean on your friendships. Lean into new love interests. True love could literally be right in front of you and you shouldn't feel the need to make it wait to suit the expectations of others.

The author of this article is known to Mamamia but has chosen to remain anonymous for privacy reasons.

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