'I was accidentally the Mean Girl. Here’s what I know now.'

What do we think about when we think about Mean Girls?

We generally think of Mean Girls' Regina George and her easily-manipulated minions, right? Those chirpy teens hoping to gain her approval by acting out her bullying commands.

The Mean Girl, so I once thought, is a queen bee, an Alpha female, a perfect, cheerleading prom queen. 

Watch: Regina George in Mean Girls. Post continues below.

But every time I've ever faced the wrath of a mean girl it's been because they're super-sensitive, and they feel deeply hurt and even betrayed.

How do I know this?

Because I was one. 

I've been a Mean Girl. Well, an accidental Mean Girl, by which I mean I had no idea I was bullying someone because I felt so strongly that I was the one without power. I was the victim, the poor, sad, thin-skinned, manic pixie nobody understood.

See, the cruellest Mean Girls are not your prom queens. They're not the Queen Bees. Your harshest Mean Girls, the ones who wound you beyond recognition? Those are your former besties.

In 2002, when the book Queen Bees & Wannabes was first published, the bulk of mean girl treatment occurred in high school. But in 2002, women were still getting married and engaged in their twenties. 

Women now spend their twenties unencumbered, giving them the chance to form deep, intimate relationships with their friends in their teens, twenties, thirties and beyond. 

These can be cliques, but they're also comprised of 'Besties'. That "ride or die" who becomes, for want of a better descriptor, your platonic spouse. Anyone who has not experienced this type of relationship may think I'm exaggerating when I tell you that a 'Bestie' is a mother, father, partner and sibling. And when a love that intimate and deep, it's easy for it to turn toxic. 

Co-dependent? Well, sure. Until somebody gets a boyfriend or another friend or a new job — or, if you're in your thirties, somebody has a baby — the cracks start to appear. And because you've been so close, a normal change suddenly feels like a massive betrayal. So the gloves come off. 

As women, we're socialised to "act nice" so we don't know how to truly confront this, and we may not even know what it is we're feeling, let alone how to articulate it. So a minor infraction is blown up and turned into a criminal offence. 

Now, because we all know the right therapist language to use, we can sometimes employ it as an excuse not to face our feelings.

For example, here's something that I said once. "She was late for my birthday drinks. I feel like I'm always being taken for granted — just last week she made a weird comment to my boyfriend about my past so I need to put boundaries in place. I think I need to just have a time-out (from her)." Translation: I am so hurt I am going to ghost my best friend.

Ghosting is awful. This isn't excusing anyone's behaviour, but I didn't know how else to be.

 Writer and educator Christabel Mintah says: "Relational skills are not about being agreeable and calm. They're about being clear and in integrity, especially when things get hard."

But sometimes, when things get hard, women who were told they were "too much" are the ones who feel more hurt than your average bear.

Sometimes that's about a highly sensitive person. Sometimes that's about low self-esteem and overthinking stuff. And viola! That feeling of powerlessness solidifies into victimhood, and, though it hurts me to say it, sanctimony.

If we are taught as women not to make a fuss, not to confront, we become passive-aggressive, shutting down, shutting off, making hurtful jabs. In the wider friendship group, this looks like "icing out" and, because we feel betrayed, we quickly enter into black and white thinking, over-analysing with other friends. So the person who hurt us is quickly labelled a "narcissist".

At work, it looks like telling the manager instead of having a frank conversation. In older friendships it looks like "She had a baby and dumped her best friend".

But the truth is always much more grey. The world needs more acceptance around women speaking their truth to one another. As Mintah says: "rage doesn't always sound gentle. It doesn't always keep things 'regulated'. But it keeps my relationships honest." 

Feature Image: Netflix/Disney+