'I just finished reading the first ACOTAR book and what in smutty hell just happened?'

I know, I know… about damn time. It seems like I'm the last person in the world to read Sarah J. Maas' fantasy series, A Court of Thorns and Roses (ACOTAR) or what people on TikTok are calling it… fairy smut.

But I promise you that I'm committed to the cause. When I first started reading this book, there were two things that I expected…

1. For me to be completely addicted like everyone else was.

2. A lot of fairy sex. Sorry — faerie sex.

Both things ring true.

For those who want to remember what it was like reading ACOTAR for the first time, I've decided to recap book one in real time as I come to major plot points.

So yes, there will be spoilers, a lot of questions and some squeals.

Watch: If all the girls in the world could read. Post continues below.

The big bad wolf.

We start off by being introduced to Feyre. She's the youngest (19) in her family and lives with her father and two sisters — Elain and Nesta. It seems that Feyre does all the work and while she girlbosses, the rest of her family just moan and groan.

Feyre gives Hunger Games vibes as she uses a bow and arrow to hunt for her family.

She sees a wolf in the woods and ends up killing it pretty easily, except that it's too heavy for her to carry back home, so she kinda just leaves it there? Weird move.

We learn about the history of humans and faeries, and it seems like the faeries are big bad meanies and the humans hate them (fair).

Umm, knock first?

Soooo, that wolf she killed was actually a faerie. Feyre, however, doesn't really care. What she does care about is this big beastly thing who's turned up on her doorstep threatening to kill her family.

The beast gives her a choice — to get slashed into ribbons, which sounds kinda cute, or to go to the faerie realm and live with him FOREVER.

Her family said "Cya!" and off she went.

A pollen allergy's worst nightmare.

The beast ends up being this fancy pants man of the spring court. His name is Tamlin, and he seems to live in this huge mansion with just his bestie Lucien — big bro vibes.

Feyre tells herself "Wow, this is the most beautiful place I've ever been… get me tf outta here."

However, after realising how hot Tamlin is, she decides to stay (same girl, same).

A few things happen here that I think are important… Tamlin seems to want to hang out with Feyre but she wants to hang out with Lucien. Tamlin gives her… paint (she likes painting so dw it's not weird) and she temporarily catches a creature in the woods called the Suriel that seems to know everything about everything. She also describes the suriel the same way my Year Four bully described me (ugly af). Uncalled for, but I guess it adds to the visuals.

THE NECK BITE?!

There's some festival happening that Feyre isn't invited to. Her pick-me girl vibes make me feel on board with this decision.

Of course, she sneaks anyway and starts to get on my nerves. Another important thing (I think)… She meets someone who she describes as the most handsome man she's ever seen. He also seems like he has a chill and vibey personality.

She's forced to go back home after learning that the festival is actually a MATING RITUAL where Tamlin instinctively chooses a FEMALE to have sex with. She can't be around because if he senses her, he'd choose her and, although she would've loved that (classic pick-me), the ritual takes place while he's still in… beast mode.

After he did his… business with someone else. He sees her in the hallway. Still partially in beast mode, he BITES HER NECK. It's pretty hot but also questionable.

Ahh sh*t.

Sh*t hits the fan and a lot of things happen at once.

Here we go:

That handsome man she met is actually a bad man who works for this even worse woman named Amarantha. Amarantha has cursed all the high lords and has stolen a lot of their power— including Tamlin.

The handsome man's name is Rhysand and he non-consensually reads Feyre's mind.

Tamlin and Feyre then have sex because they're sad— it's great.

Tamlin tells Feyre that he's sending her back to her family to keep her safe from Amarantha which is an interesting way to get rid of a one-night-stand.

Upon returning home, Feyre realises that Tamlin has put a spell on her family to forget that she was traumatically stolen from them, believing that she's somewhere safe. He also made some calls and now they're living in a mansion with heaps of money— sign me up.

Feyre apparently hates money and being safe, so she escapes and goes back to the spring court to be with Tamlin — except no one is there.

There's a lot of blood everywhere.

Finally someone with sense… one of the court staff members Alis explains everything to Feyre. Thank God for women.

She said that Amarantha cursed Tamlin and for the curse to break he needed a human woman who hated faeries to fall in love with him. Unfortunately for Feyre (and Tamlin and his entire court), she has commitment issues, so when Tamlin told her he loved her, he just gave him the side eye.

Let the games begin.

Feyre willingly walks into Under the Mountain, where Amarantha lives with heaps of randos that she's abducted… Including Rhysand — our handsome baddie.

Amarantha seems kinda nice and says that she will lift the curse if Feyre completes three trials. She becomes even nicer when she gives Feyre a riddle and says if she can answer the riddle she doesn't need to complete the trials and the curse will automatically lifted.

The riddle was long af but it's pretty obvious that the answer is… love. Right guys?

Feyre doesn't seem to think so, so she completes the following trials:

Trial #1: Kill a giant worm-monster — easy.

Trial #2: Solve a riddle (even though she can't read) — kinda easy.

Trial #3: Kill three faeries— Weirdly… also easy.

At the same time Rhysand keeps inserting himself into the plot by striking a bargain with Feyre that he'll help her if she spends one week with him every month for the rest of her life if she lifts the curse.

She's literally dying, so she agrees.

The sorest loser.

Feyre completes all the trials (including stabbing Tamlin, which is fair seeing that he literally sent her away after having sex), but Amarantha said "I said I'll lift the curse but I didn't say when I would lift the curse you idiots."

Honestly, so fair— Feyre should've asked to read the T&Cs.

As Amarantha is torturing Feyre, Feyre says… the answer to your riddle is "love". About fkn time. God, I would've killed it at those games.

The curse lifts but whoops, Feyre is already… dead.

Tamlin kills Amarantha and cries over Feyre who literally did the most while these men just watched.

Suddenly, Feyre wakes up… as a faerie.

Apparently, all the other high lords (including Rhysand) gave her some of their strength by dropping tiny beads of liquid (I'm hoping it's not sweat) into her mouth. Because all faeries are hot, Feyre is now, also hot (so happy for her).

It's happily ever after, although, we do get some glimpses of trauma from Feyre after literally nearly dying and killing some innocents.

Also, something weird happens between her and Rhysand as they say their goodbyes. He looks at her weirdly like he saw… something. AND I NEED TO KNOW WHAT IT IS.

Anyway, I guess we're onto the second book now.

If you want more from Emily Vernem, you can follow her on Instagram @emilyvernem.

Feature image: Supplied/Amazon.