'I coach women for a living. They are all exhausted from the same thing.'

Are you willing to accept yourself as you are right now?

When I ask this question in my work as a coach, most women answer quickly, almost defensively.

'Acceptance', they tell me, means standing still. Giving up. Settling for less than they want.

And let's be honest, we've all been there.

The women who come to me don't come because their lives are falling apart. On the outside, things look fine. They're capable, reliable, the ones who hold everything together. They are mothers, daughters, professionals, and in their relationships, they are the emotional anchor.

They come because something feels "off", especially at home.

Maggie Dent shares an emotional moment with Kate Ritchie about the mental load. Post continues below.

They say things like, "I don't like how I react to my partner," or "I feel lonely even though I'm not alone." They know what they should say, and yet, often, they snap and shut down.

What hurts most is not the argument, but what comes after — the guilt for not handling it better. They don't think, 'I'm disconnected from my body.' They think, 'why can't I just be calmer? Why do I keep ending up here?'.

These are not unaware women. They've read the books, listened to the podcasts, tried to communicate "calmly and clearly." On paper, they are doing it "right".

So they try harder. More pressure on themselves to be more patient, more understanding. And still, they feel exhausted.

They are trying too hard to 'heal' themselves.

We slap on a label we see on social media. We work harder on 'self-love'. There is often a brief sense of hope when something finally makes sense — like when women see themselves in Instagram reels, about triggers, nervous systems, or how thoughts create feelings. They catch themselves once or twice, feel proud, and think, 'good. I've got it now'.

Until the next argument. The next shutdown. And when that happens, the disappointment cuts deep; 'I'm back where I started. I should know better. Why am I still like this?'

Anna Thellman says women are exhausted trying to heal themselves. Image: Supplied.

The answer to healing? Stop trying to heal.

What people don't realise is that, over time, we have learnt to live almost entirely in our heads. Women monitor themselves constantly: their tone, their reactions, their feelings.

Under pressure, we react. That's not failure. That's how we're wired. The real damage happens afterwards, when you replay the conversation, and promise to do better next time.

Because you cannot build connection, while you're at war with yourself.

I learnt this the hard way.

After my fifth miscarriage, I thought I should be okay by now. Six months had passed. I had cried, raged, done everything people say you're supposed to do with grief.

And still, I felt numb. Empty. Disconnected from life, from joy, from myself, from my partner.

I kept asking, 'what am I doing wrong? When does this stop?'

I was trying to think my way out of a bodily state, just like so many women try to think their way into better relationships, and into joy.

One quiet moment changed everything. I heard something inside me say, "give yourself permission". Not permission to feel better, or move on. Permission to let this be what it was.

The simplest of answers. Acceptance.

To accept that this loss would always be part of me. That there would be triggers, moments of grief, jealousy towards pregnant women, even anger against children who got to be born.

That I would always wonder who my babies might have been. Who I might have been as their mother. Accepting that, didn't take the pain away. But, the fight ended.

And once the fight stopped, my nervous system finally had space to settle, recover, and heal.

So how do you actually accept yourself?

This is usually the moment where women lean forward and ask, "Okay… but how do I do that?"

And I always have to disappoint them a little, because the answer is almost offensively simple.

It's three practices — gratitude, acceptance and perspective.

1. Gratitude

What makes gratitude so powerful is that it brings you back into the present.

When you acknowledge something you're grateful for, you cannot be in the past or the future at the same time. This means you don't worry, overthink, spiral, panic, get anxious etc.

And, it's not reserved only for gifts or special occasions, but the small things we usually overlook: sitting instead of standing, warmth instead of cold, silence instead of noise.

When you lie in bed and gently reflect on what you were grateful for that day, small things, ordinary things, the nervous system settles. The mind quietens. Sleep often comes more easily.

1. Acceptance

Many women misunderstand acceptance. Acceptance is not giving up on yourself or your relationship. It's not saying, 'this is my life forever and nothing will ever change', a throw-hands-in-the-air moment.

Acceptance is saying, 'this is what is here right now', without trying to fix it, justify it, or push it away — no shame, no blame, no judgement.

As long as you're arguing with who you are today, all your energy goes into the argument and not into connection. Acceptance doesn't freeze growth. It removes the handbrake that keeps you stuck in the same patterns.

Most women aren't failing at love or at growth. They simply haven't discovered the magic of self-acceptance yet. And the magic isn't that everything suddenly feels good. It's that when you stop fighting yourself, real emotional intimacy, clarity, and change can become possible.

Every time you want to self-analyse a moment, and think, "I should have behaved differently", instead say: "Interesting"… Interesting, I snapped. Interesting, I shut down. Interesting, I went quiet and withdrew. No shame. No blame. Neutral.

When you revisit a moment with neutrality instead of blame, you're already rewiring the pattern without needing to "do it better next time."

3. Permission

Give yourself 'permission'… whether that's to react like a lunatic, to shout at your husband for breathing, to be like your mother (this one is usually a game changer).

This isn't about excusing behaviour or avoiding responsibility. It's about stopping the inner punishment that keeps the behaviour going longer than it needs to.

Don't analyse the trigger. You don't need to find its origin. You don't need to heal it, release it, or make sure it never happens again.

Triggers will happen. That's life. What is your responsibility is how long you stay stuck afterwards. Over time, the reactions don't disappear. But the grip loosens.

This is how I finally came to peace with my loss, grief and disconnect.

It's not because I finally fixed myself (Spoiler: because you aren't broken in the first place). But because I stopped abandoning myself. That's the practical side of self-acceptance.

Simple. Uncomfortable. And far more effective than trying harder to be better.

Feature image: Supplied.