Sandy received a text message from her abusive ex. Then her sister's car exploded.

Content warning: this post discusses domestic violence. 

Sandy* was a single mother when she met John*. It was a whirlwind romance, and it swept her off her feet.

John is Canadian, so the pair quickly decided to move to his home country and were married within a month.

"No one knew for years that I was married, including my children, because I couldn't explain what this was," she says.

This is how the isolation started, Sandy just hadn't identified it yet.

"I look back and think, I should have been too old for this, but it seemed so right at the beginning."

Watch: It's not love, it's coercive control. Article continues after the video. 

It wasn't long before John revealed another side to his personality. He'd become easily angry, sometimes punching holes in the wall. At more than six feet tall, compared to Sandy's short stature, his aggression was frightening.

"I exposed a lot about myself at the beginning, and he was everything that I was looking for. Except he wasn't.

"There were particular things that were really personal about how my mum died that I had disclosed. He would use these against me."

The relationship became turbulent, prompting Sandy to return home to Australia more than once. It was abuse, but Sandy hadn't recognised it yet.

"I came home four times within a year from Canada because the relationship kept breaking down."

John threatened to harm himself if she didn't return, so she did.

"Then he would go through bouts where he would be really lovely and take me on holidays and buy expensive gifts."

Eventually, John used coercion to convince her to let him move back to Australia with her permanently. So, Sandy paid for his flight and commenced a Visa sponsorship. Then COVID hit.

To combat the lack of paid work, Sandy started a company, making her husband director.

But within months, John's behaviour became even worse. His alcohol and drug use would be his excuse for the escalating abuse.

"I'd become really frightened that he was going to hurt my son. It was clear he didn't like him. My son is very dependent on me. I was fearful for him."

John would have huge outbursts of anger, sometimes leaving the home for days, while simultaneously stalking and harassing Sandy.

One night, he drugged her and, Sandy believes, sexually assaulted her, leaving her wondering how many other times that might have occurred in the past. Sometimes, she'd wake up to find him standing over her, watching her.

"We were just not stable. I was so confused and what he was doing was being denied as reality. I was now questioning my own judgement and intuition. I thought, 'I'm in my forties, what the hell is happening to me?'"

Sandy knew she had to go, she just didn't know how.

"I truly believed that when he said 'I love you', when he said 'I'm sorry for the abuse and I promise to change', that he would. But he didn't and it got worse.

"I didn't know at the time, but this is coercive control that confuses and entraps you further, because you are so desperate to believe they wouldn't intentionally hurt you."

What is coercive control?

Coercive control is an insidious form of domestic violence that can be difficult to spot, especially for those experiencing it.

While this type of abuse may include overt behaviours such as direct threats, isolation from family and friends, financial abuse or sexual coercion, it often involves a series of subtle behaviours over time that result in a victim changing their own behaviour to appease the perpetrator.

Coercive controllers often begin relationships with love-bombing — over-the-top and fast-moving affection — sometimes for months or even years, before their controlling behaviours creep in.

Gaslighting, insults, stone-walling, manipulative language and guilt-trips — peppered with grandiose acts of love — can leave victims confused and unable to recognise the abuse for what it is.

Ultimately, coercive control is a series of behaviours and actions used to assert power and dominance over another person.

"Everyone was scared of him."

With John so tied up in her financial life, plus the ongoing Visa application, that Sandy didn't know how to walk away with a clean slate.

"His name was on everything. I thought I'd just put it all in my name, but it's not that easy," she says.

After discovering John had applied for the second part of the Visa without her permission, Sandy decided it was time to make a clean break, despite the potential complications.

But his exiting their shared home was just the beginning of her ordeal.

"At first, there were coercive threats – 'I'll throw you over the fence', 'I'll kill you, but I love you'.

"I couldn't work out whether he was going to kill me, my son, or himself."

Sometimes he'd make ominous threats, such as: Do you still get scared that you'll wake up and find me at the end of the bed?

He threatened to burn the house down. All the while, he assumed Sandy would eventually have him back.

When the truth finally hit him, his abuse spiralled even further. One afternoon, he called her while she was at her daughter's place interstate.

"He said, 'no one will ever be in my f***ing bed, no one will be in my house, you're my property, everything is mine'."

Then he told her by text to have a safe flight home. She hadn't told him she was interstate, visiting her sister.

At 3.45am, a man on CCTV was outside looking at Sandy's sister's car. At 3.47am, John messaged Sandy asking if she was sleeping.

At 5am, the car exploded. A few minutes later, John messaged Sandy again.

Police made no connection.

Nor did they connect a separate aggravated burglary into Sandy's home and two other incidents with strange men at her home — despite John's continued threatening messages and disturbing patterns of behaviour.

Then the DARVO started. DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender, and is a common tactic used by abusers to avoid accountability and shift blame onto their victims.

"He got a cross-application IVO against me and it really impacted my mental health. I ended up having to withdraw my own IVO, and I was told I had to respect him and that he wasn't a risk," says Sandy.

"He can't help himself. I've kept every single text. I see the pattern, I see the language.

"I even taped him still calling me 'his wife', despite him being engaged to someone else.

"I am also now aware that before we were together, he had lost his job and didn't have his Visa in Australia renewed due to misconduct and alcohol use. I also now know that he has been to court in Australia but I don't know what for, and no one had let me know."

But so far, even with another IVO in place, neither the police or Home Affairs have been able to help Sandy.

"I don't think I've ever felt so unsupported in my life. I expected something to occur, in the sense that someone would say 'we're going to make you safe'.

"Instead I got crickets."

"I believe he will snap."

Despite a dossier of messages and voice messages from John that Sandy has kept and filed, police claim there's not enough evidence to prosecute.

"There's been enough messages in the last few months to show that he's not leaving me alone ever."

In one month alone, he sent more than 50 messages. John has even accused Sandy's sister – a foster carer – of child neglect, and made other allegations against her and other members of Sandy's family.

"I believe he will snap," she says.

"It's like a time bomb sitting in there. The longer it goes on, the more empowered and emboldened he becomes."

Sandy now feels she has to leave her job and her home town in order to protect herself.

"I'm fearing for my safety and what actions he might take against me.

"He's everywhere in my life. I work at a gym, but I don't know if I can do this anymore because I'm so scared to come alone in the mornings.

"I've worked here for 16 years, and I've worked in the community sector for over 25 years here. This is where I live, this is where I raised my children. This is where my family lives and I have to leave. I have to sell my home and lose my safety net because of him and he's only been here a few years.

"I'm losing my home, I've lost my company. My life isn't anywhere near where I thought it would be. I will have to make the choice to leave my family. That just breaks me.

"There's no intervention. I didn't believe I could be left to deal with this totally alone."

*names have been changed to protect safety.

If this has raised any issues for you, or if you just feel like you need to speak to someone, please call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732)—the national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service.

Mamamia is a charity partner of RizeUp Australia, a national organisation that helps women, children and families move on after the devastation of domestic and family violence. Their mission is to deliver life-changing and practical support to these families when they need it most. If you would like to support their mission you can donate here.

Feature image: Getty.