My son, Alex*, was only three months old when his father, my then-boyfriend, walked out of our lives. No explanations, no goodbyes, just silence. He sent money every now and then, but that wasn't enough. I was left with a broken heart and a baby to care for. But I made a promise, that I'd be both mother and father to Alex, and I'd never let him feel abandoned.
Raising him alone wasn't easy. I worked long hours, juggling two jobs while making sure he never felt the weight of my struggles. I was lucky to have a very supportive family, so my parents and my two brothers were fantastic to him. So I don't feel like he really felt the pain of not having a father; he had plenty of male role models to look up to.
But I rarely spoke of his father. How could I? The man had vanished without so much as a phone call. Alex occasionally asked questions when he was younger, such as "Why don't I have a dad?" and I did my best to answer without bitterness.
Watch: Here are some effects of growing up with a single parent. Post continues after video.
I said things like, "He wasn't ready to be a parent," and that was about the nicest thing I could say about him. He asked a few more questions as he became a teenager but, eventually, the questions stopped, and I thought we'd moved on.
Two Christmases ago, I was hosting a family lunch. Alex was 18, and he was bringing his new girlfriend with him. He was studying interstate, so I hadn't met her yet, and I was excited about that. Christmas has always been a special time for me, and I was thrilled to be hosting lunch for the first time in many years.
When Alex arrived, he seemed nervous, fidgeting as he handed me a present. "I've got a surprise," he said. I assumed it was his girlfriend; I wasn't prepared for what came next.
Then a man stepped forward, older, a little greyer, but unmistakable. My heart dropped as I realised who it was. My ex. My son's father. The man who had abandoned us 18 years ago.
I stood frozen, clutching my present while Alex smiled, seemingly oblivious to the horror I was feeling. "Mum, this is Dad," he said. It was like he was introducing me to an old friend.
My ex managed to mumble a quiet "Hello, it's been a long time." But I had no desire to talk to him. I was in shock.
In the minutes that followed, I learnt that Alex had been searching for his father for months. It started with a DNA test, which led to discovering relatives he'd never known existed, and eventually, to finding his father. They'd been in touch for weeks, planning this reunion behind my back.
As the three of us stood in the living room, the silence was dreadful. My ex kept avoiding my eyes but said, "It's good to see you again." I couldn't believe his audacity.
"Good to see me? Sorry, you don't get to walk in here after 18 years and act like nothing happened."
I turned to Alex, who said, "Mum, I thought that being Christmas, we could all just get together."
I literally had to bite my lip to stop myself from crying. I felt angry and betrayed all over again. I had to ask both of them to leave. My son looked horrified too, as this hadn't gone as he'd planned. My ex walked out, and I explained to Alex that this was dreadful timing as I'd been looking forward to Christmas and the other family members would soon be arriving. He apologised and said it'd be good for him to spend the day with his dad.
Since that day, Alex and I have spoken about my heartbreak and how devastating it was to be abandoned by the father of my son. But I also had to come to terms with the fact Alex wants his father in his life – I've never had a problem with that. My horror was more about Alex bringing him home and blindsiding me like that.
I know he didn't mean to hurt me, but he's now accepted that I don't want to ever see his father again, the pain is just too deep for me. He didn't just bring back a man who broke my heart; he reopened wounds I thought had healed long ago.
I raised Alex to be kind and empathetic. So what happened that Christmas day was probably in line with his personality. He certainly didn't mean to cause any drama, but at the same time, I don't know what he was thinking; that I'd welcome my ex with open arms?
On the positive side, I am glad for Alex that he now has a relationship with his father, and I've reassured him that in the future if I have to see my ex at a wedding or a family event, I'll always be civil, but I'll never fully welcome him back into my life. He made the decision to leave our family a long time ago, and he has to live with the consequences of that choice. My priority will always be protecting my own peace and the life I worked so hard to build for Alex and myself.
*Name has been changed due to privacy.
The author of this story is known to Mamamia but remained anonymous for privacy purposes.
As told to Ann DeGrey
Read more of our Real Life stories:
Feature image: Getty.
The True Story Behind TV Show Dying For Sex
The Quicky
Another Little Treat: The Tyranny Of Looking Like You Haven't Tried
Mamamia Out Loud
