Mamamia recaps ACOMAF: 'So we're all just okay with being attracted to wings now?'

Look, I know what you're thinking— "another ACOTAR recap? Don't we have enough of these?"

And the answer is no, no we don't.

Because after finishing A Court of Mist and Fury (ACOMAF), I have THOUGHTS. And feelings. And a new appreciation (mixed with fear) of wings that I probably need to discuss with my therapist.

For those who read my recap of the first book, you'll know I was pretty intrigued by a certain tall, dark and mean High Lord (yes, I'm toxic don't @ me). Well, I can now say that I had a right to be, so you can't judge me.

Before we dive in, here's what I was expecting from book two:1. For Tamlin and Feyre's relationship to be picture-perfect in the beautiful Spring Court.

2. Some answers about that weird look Rhysand gave Feyre at the end of ACOTAR.

What I got instead:

1. Trust issues with flower crowns and wings.

2. An unhealthy obsession with fantasy real estate.

So yes, there will be spoilers, squealing and probably too many wing-related comments.

You've been warned.

The wedding that wasn't.

Three months after the whole "dying and coming back as a sexy faerie" thing, Feyre is not doing great. She's throwing up every night, having panic attacks, and her fiancé Tamlin's solution is to... lock her in the house and tell her to look pretty. Solid plan, my high dude.

Speaking of the wedding — Feyre's in a dress that looks like a meringue threw up on her, she's having a full-blown panic attack and, to top it off, there are ROSE PETALS EVERYWHERE (every scene with Ianthe makes me rage).

Luckily for Feyre, just as she's about to walk down the aisle, Rhys appears (it's like he read her mind (lol)).

He's like, "Remember that bargain where you have to spend time with me? LFG."

Night Court slay.

After Feyre yeets herself to the Night Court, we have our very first plot twist of the evening (*read in Taylor Swift's Era's tour voice). The Night Court is not the horror show everyone thinks it is. It's actually giving major luxury resort vibes.

There's this secret city called Velaris that's basically fantasy Paris, and Rhys' friend group (the Inner Circle (*gags at this name)) is like if the cool kids' table actually consisted of nice people (bar one (you know who)).

Meanwhile, back at the Spring Court, Tamlin's losing his mind. He goes full helicopter boyfriend every time Feyre tries to… do anything at all. He literally creates a magical barrier to keep her inside and, although I would be happy with my nice dresses, fancy meals and mediocre painting, this is not how you treat your trauma-surviving fiancée.

The Court of Nightmares SERVES.

Let's talk about THAT scene at the Court of Nightmares. Feyre has to sit on Rhys' lap and pretend to be his plaything to maintain his reputation as the Big Bad High Lord? Make it make sense.

I love how we all collectively ignored the fact that there was absolutely no reason for her to play that role. I've never experienced sexual tension like that in my life, so for a minute, I forgot we were reading their thoughts and realised that everyone at the Court of Nightmares watched Feyre and Rhys basically dry hump on a throne.

The entire court seems to hate them and… fair.

The truth-bomb Suriel (AKA our fave gossip queen).

Picture this: the guy you just spent a steamy night with is dying and some rando accidently tells you that he's your MATE. As an Australian, I really wish there was another word for it. No matter how hard I try, reading the words "my mate" will never sound sexy.

You also find out that Illyrian wings are basically… a giant clitoris. Anyway, we'll get to that later.

Instead of being excited that the hottest man alive is your mate, you are instead weirdly angry and leave him to suffer while you go for some "alone time" in HIS cabin.

Girl, this is not your house.

When you get welcomed into a home that's super important to someone's family and is filled with memories and has been their safe space for centuries… you do not (and I repeat— DO NOT) go around painting sh*tty stick figures on the walls.

I know that Feyre is meant to be some great painter whose art moves people to tears, but I can't help picturing the beautiful cabin looking like this:

Honestly, if I was Rhys, I'd reject the mating bond for this.

Apparently, everyone likes Feyre drawing on the walls of their home (they're lying).

Rhys pays her a visit (EVEN THOUGH IT'S HIS CABIN). After some deep conversations about trauma and some deeper conversations with their… bodies, they finally give in to that mating bond (yes, there was wing action).

The most sub-par plan.

Because we can't have nice things, the King of Hybern captures everyone (including Feyre's sisters, Nesta and Elain). And you know what? They deserve it. They really thought they could just walk in, steal the Cauldron and walk out? Please.

The King turns Feyre's sisters into High Fae against their will (lowkey wish it was me), and we find out that Tamlin and Lucien are partly to blame (no surprises here).

Nesta comes out of the cauldron ready to murder everyone (fair), Elain's just... confused (also fair), and Lucien tells Elain that he's her mate (not fair at all — now is not the time, Autumn Boy).

The book ends with Feyre becoming the first ever High Lady (girl boss slay) and heading back to the Spring Court as a spy. She's basically going undercover as the world's most down-bad wife (who has known her husband for like five seconds).

So yeah, that's ACOMAF — where we learn that if your fiancé locks you in the house, it's probably time to find a new fiancé. Preferably one with clitoris-wings.

Read: 'I just finished reading the first ACOTAR book and what in smutty hell just happened?'

If you want more from Emily Vernem, you can follow her on Instagram @emilyvernem.

Feature image: Supplied.