5 lessons I learnt from watching daytime TV

We’re having issues in our house at the moment. With TV. And our toddler. It seems Ava has developed a rather strong attachment  (some would say obsession) to Play School. And some other kids show involving plasticine penguins who seem to have an alarming number of material possessions. For penguins.

But I got to thinking today that TV really gets a bad rap.  Sure it can turn us into couch-bound zombies who have an inability to think for ourselves but credit where credit is due …  it can teach us so much. For example, years of watching The Brady Bunch has taught me that should a tarantula ever crawl onto my chest during a jinxed family holiday to Hawaii, then all I need do is whisper, “Go away, Mr Tarantula” and hey-presto – it’ll crawl away. Eat your heart out, Bear Grylls.

And what about love?   As a Gen Xer I can safely say that everything I know about love, I’ve learnt from watching daytime TV …

Lesson 1. Love never dies. So even if you are kidnapped, held hostage on a desert island, get amnesia and discover that you used to be a European princess (and then you make your way back to Salem only to discover that your husband has remarried a crack-addict police-officer) … it’s not the end of the world. Bo will always want you back. Bo and Hope (or Bope, as I like to call them) on Days of Our Lives and Brooke and Ridge (or Bridge, as I like to call them) on The Bold and the Beautiful are living proof that a marriage can survive infidelity/faked blood tests/double-crossings/bad European accents/you sleeping with your step son/brother-in-law/father-in-law!  Divorce? Pfft. Love means never having to say, “Honey, I was trapped on a deserted island, ate some freaky berries, got stoned and that’s why I got jiggy with my step son.” (Brooke, you have a lot to answer for …)

Lesson 2. It helps if you have similar interests … even if it’s bug collecting. In episode number 25 of The Brady Bunch (entitled “Going going … steady”) thirteen-year-old Marcia Brady decides that she wants to go steady with Harvey Klinger – a fervent bug collector.  To win Harvey’s heart, Marcia starts collecting bugs herself, realising that love is more likely to last if you have something in common with your partner. Of course, by the end of the episode, Marcia has split up from Harvey and is dating some new guy called Lester.  So what we really learn from this episode is that Marcia is attracted to guys whose christian names make them sound like serial killers.

Lesson 3. On the other hand, no matter how much you have in common (like your parents), never be tempted to date a sibling. It will only end in tears. And perhaps police intervention.  As proven by Sons and Daughters when Angela Hamilton (played by Ally Fowler) and John Palmer (Peter Phelps) fell for each other, not knowing that they were twins, separated at birth by their mother Pat the Rat. Mental note: if your mother walks around the house in shoulder pads referring to herself in the third person, it might be time to leave home. (And do not pash your sister on the way out the door …)

Lesson 4. Just because you work in advertising and he’s your housekeeper, it doesn’t mean the relationship won’t work. It’s all about equality and respect.  The Germaine Greer inspired show Who’s The Boss? saw Angela Bower the high-powered, single mother, advertising executive fall in love with her hunky male housekeeper, ex-baseball player Tony Micelli.  And while this crazy twist on gender roles made for good laughs (with Tony in an apron and Angela with a briefcase, chuckle chuckle) … it taught us that guys from Brooklyn do give good vacuum.

Lesson 5. Just because you own a wardrobe of fancy clothes and you pout a lot … doesn’t mean you’ll get a date. Just look at Ginger Grant who spent seven years slinking around an uncharted desert-isle (affectionately called Gilligan’s Island) and the professor never even looked twice at her.  That’s because it takes more than a good Marilyn Monroe impersonation to win a man’s heart.  It takes money. Millionairess Mrs Howell was the only woman on the island to get a decent snog the whole time they were there.

So what golden life lessons have you learned from watching TV?