I'm a Celebrity (sort of) Get Me Outta Here. The first recap.

Alright, Channel Ten. You’ve piqued my interest with hype, promos, and the hope that an A-list celebrity might get hepatitis in the jungle. Let’s do this.

Immediately awkward start with Julia Morris stuttering on ‘W..w..well, hello Australia.” Possibly just a ploy so that we can all appreciate that this is LIVE TELEVISION, PEOPLE. She is forgiven because she looks great. Her head does, at least. Can’t see her body because she is wearing animal print, as to blend in with all the jungleness.

There he is. Dr Chris Brown. Aka, the star of my vet-based fantasies. Dr Jawbone.

Chris and Juls are walking casually across a bridge. And then a hut. And then another bridge. Much unrehearsed and unscripted banter (lol, jokes. Totally scripted). It’s 9.30 a.m in… wherever they are. Africa. They explain the rules about taking celebrities and putting them in the jungle. Apparently, the celebs only get 800 calories a day. Pretty sure I had 800 calories for my pre-breakfast snack.

Here we go. Stock footage of South African sky. Sound of helicopters. Ride of the Valkyries playing for dramatic effect.

Actually can’t tell if they are real helicopters, or nine remote control helicopters filmed from afar. With Channel Ten’s budget, probably toy helicopters on strings. If they have actually hired ten helicopters, it is probably why they can only afford to feed the celebs 800 calories per day.

The basic rule is that the celeb who wins gets $100,000 for their favourite charity. Any of them can tap-out at any time by yelling ‘I’m a celebrity, get me outta here’, irrespective of how much of a celebrity they really are.

CELEBRITY ONE. It’s Leisel Jones. With so much eyelash that it’s hard to tell she is Leisel Jones. Take them off before swimming, Leisel, you might drown. But you look fancy.

CELEB TWO: Merv Hughes. That cricketer guy with the moustache. I know two things about him: He was a cricketer, and he has a moustache. But I definitely knew his name, so he earned his pay check.

CELEB THREE: Laura Dundovic. Introduces self as a model/presenter. I think she was Miss Australia at some point. Looks like Jen Hawkins. Oh, good. She has just explained that she was Miss Australia at some point.

CELEB FOUR: Andrew Daddo. I know two Daddos (is there more?) and he is not Cameron. I can’t remember which Daddo I know for which things. If he was the Daddo that hosted Great Outdoors for years, he probably has an unfair advantage in this game.

CELEB FIVE: Joel Creasey. “People know me as being that sassy guy, sitting on the end of comedy panel shows.” I don’t even know him as that much, but I immediately like him. Can tell he will be bitchy and funny, and probably cry at least twice.

CELEB SIX: Tyson Mayr. Who? “I’m a model and professional traveller.” I am not convinced. Also, I didn’t know you were allowed to call yourself a professional traveller if you aren’t on Getaway.

CELEB SEVEN: Lauren Brant. ‘Ex Hi-5’ is written under her name, which makes her sound like a spy. She used to be in Hi-5 and I think she posed for a men’s magazine this year. Perky, pretty, etc. Establishes herself as Class Genius immediately. “I don’t think I’ve slept completely under the stars, but I like skinny-dipping.”

CELEB EIGHT: Hooraaaaaay. It’s Chrissie Swan. THANK GOD, CHRISSIE. Someone who I don’t need to Google. Back in reality TV where she started. Good to see you, Swan.

CELEB NINE: Is that…? It is. It’s Marcia Brady (Maureen McCormick). Marcia, Marcia, Marcia. What the FUCK are you doing here? This is the ‘American celebrity who is a household name’ that Channel Ten have pimped with all of their soul. Household name is a stretch. I know her as ‘that woman who played Marcia Brady’… but still, will probably be entertaining and/or precious.

CELEB TEN: Barry Hall. Giant footballer who does not fit in the helicopter. Looks like Duffman from The Simpsons. Assures us that he is pretty calm and collected outside of football. Ten dollars he punches someone before end of episode.

Finally the toy helicopters land. Some local drummers and singers remind us that a) we are in Africa and b) Channel Ten can afford it. Chrissie Swan is first to walk awkwardly past them and into a rental house with a nice patio. Marcia Brady walks in next. Chrissie freaks out. Marcia does not know who Chrissie is. Marcia, it’s all downhill from here. One by one, the celebs congrugate. WELL DONE, CHANNEL TEN, they put Chrissie there first. Radio personality will recognise most of the celebs and prevent uncomfortable questions. Doesn’t work for Professional Traveller Tyson who has to explain to slightly famous people the ways in which he is famous. Something about being naked, travelling, and charity.

Obvious sexual tension between Naked Traveller and One Fifth of Hi 5. Probs because they are the hottest, they are the exact same height, and they have to explain their fame the most.

And they’re off. Dressed in new uniform of red chinos, navy blue personalised tops and khaki shirts. If it weren’t for the Akubras, they’d look like preppy hipsters from Chapel Street. A local man terrifies the celebs with all the poisonous animals, snakes, scorptions, etc. Moral of his story: There are as many things that can kill you in Africa as a trip to the beach in Australia.

Dr Chris is back, conveniently flexing his pecs while saying vet things. I will think of this later tonight. Chris and Julia are taking us through the campsite that the celebs will live in. It’s like a camouflaged war bunker meets glamping. Outdoor beds, a trunk with toilet paper and saucepans. A mirror, thank god. Miss Australia will be glad. There’s a little hut for diary-room purposes.

A long-drop toilet. It has a long-drop toilet. Merv will murder that.

The celebs get put on a group helicopter. How is Channel Ten affording all these helicopters? If The Project desk is missing tonight, it’s been sold for chopper money. The celebs have to jump about thirty centimetres from the chopper into the water, and then tug themselves into shore on a raft. Much screaming and ‘Oh My God’ing. First violent threat comes out within four minutes, with Joel Creasey telling the cameraman “I’m going to stab Merv Hughes in the face”. I knew you wouldn’t disappoint, Creasey. The celebs are hiking through the jungle to their campsite. Merv is at risk of heart attack after ten minutes.

Duffman Barry Hall says something anti-American about Marcia talking too much. Just shut up and carry her, Muscles. Chrissie Swan almost dies by slipping off a mountain. Lives.

THEY’VE FINALLY ARRIVED AT THE CAMPSITE. Celebs rejoice, clap hands, fight urge to take selfies because their phones are confiscated. Tyson starts a fire, even though no one knows who he is or what he is doing there. Marcia and Chrissie are best friends already. The team have to nominate a camp leader. Leisel is elected, because Olympics.

Marcia freaks out because her bed is wet. Classic Marcia. If only she could make Jan Brady sleep in it instead. Instead, Tyson offers, once again surprising the celebrities with his niceness even though he is not famous. The celebs go to sleep under the stars, and say ‘love you’ to each other, even though they are strangers. It’s a fame thing, clearly.

Barry, Chrissie and Joel are hiking somewhere. I’m not sure why, I got distracted by Joel’s lisp. DR JAWBONE IS THERE. Bondi Vet and Julia Morris welcome the three celebs to the ‘first Tucker Trial’. So obviously, there will be more. Chrissie gets tied down and looks like some kind of satanic ritual.

Chrissie is probably cursing her career choices on the inside as she gets covered in Ice Magic and puppies. Lol, jokes. Ants, locusts, fly pupae, earthworms, cockroaches, offal, maggots, etc. The trio earned six meals for the rest of the celeb team, which were being stored in Chris Brown’s jaw. They retreat to camp and share the news. High-fives all round, except for Lauren, who is no longer in Hi-5.

Channel Ten tries to prop up their helicopter budget by asking viewers to SMS vote for a celeb to be killed put in tomorrow’s challenge at 55c a text. Pass.

Merv conveniently gives Marcia Brady a spiel on who’s who, to remind viewers exactly who the unrecognisable celebrities are. Laura Dundovic does a re-enactment of her Miss Australia career highlights. Takes seven seconds. Surprisingly, Barry (Footballer/Duffman) and Joel (comedian/child) have hit it off. Joel is one quarter of Barry’s height and weight. Barry likes to guffaw at Joel’s jokes. It’s a match made in jungle heaven.

Marcia Brady is having some alone time, because she has been feeling alone. American logic. Tyson spots the publicity opportunity and goes to make her feel better by making her carry some firewood. Before they get it on under the waterfall, Tyson reveals he has a girlfriend. He may not be famous, but he is hot and looks like Jamie Durie, and both Marcia Brady and I are jealous of his girlfriend.

Dinner arrives on a Tarzan vine. It is the neck of an African animal. Merv sleeps while everyone else cleans.

Chris and Juls visit the campsite to show the the celebs what make-up looks like. A brilliant moment happens with an awkward sound technician caught in the background with a boom microphone, who then quietly recedes into the jungle. DID ANYONE ELSE SEE THIS? The hosts reveal that Joel is going to be up for some challenge tomorrow or something. Not sure. Was watching the guy with the microphone.

Day 1. Not all of them are celebrities. Yet. Also, no one died, left, or got impregnated. Yet.